What do you do when your kid’s day care provider doesn’t share your religious and political views?
I’m in a bind.
Earlier this week I was picking up my son, Will, from daycare. I routinely spend a few minutes chatting with my provider, and when I asked how Will did that day, she smiled and told him to repeat what they say before meals. To my displeasure, Will responded by saying, “God is great, God is good, and we thank him for our food.” Some people, like my wife, think that’s cute. But as a non-believer, I was less than amused.
I was fully aware my provider is very religious, but I didn’t expect her to teach religion to my son. Frankly, that’s not something to which I want him exposed. But I let that one go, because eventually he’ll go to church with my wife, MJ, a Catholic, and I figure I shouldn’t get upset about harmless exposure to religion. So I sucked it up.
But she wasn’t done yet.
♦♦♦
She then asked me about my job as a journalist. I told her that next week I’m headed to Martha’s Vineyard for a few days because President Obama and the First Family are vacationing in Chilmark, and I’ll be covering a portion of their visit for the paper.
Wrong move.
The mention of Obama’s name got her started on a mini anti-Obama tirade, which I patiently weathered with a half-hearted smile, as I listened to the familiar rhetoric. But then she started telling me about a carnival somewhere (New Jersey, I think) where you pay five dollars to throw things like balls and plates at a mannequin of Obama. Regrettably, she said, it was shut down after someone was offended and complained.
“Well, some people are always going to be offended by stuff like that,” I said as I collected Will and my things to leave.
And then she dropped the hammer.
“Yeah, but they get offended by this kind of stuff and never the things they should be offended by,” she said. “You know, like taking prayer out of school and gay marriage.”
I’m not usually stunned or silent; this time I was both. Thankfully, her elderly mother had just come home and that provided me with an out. Because honestly, at that point I was so angry, I’m not sure if the words that almost came out of my mouth would’ve been advisable.
When I got home I let my anger subside and tried to think about things rationally.
On one hand, it’s a free country and everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. This is an in-home daycare, which means she’s free to espouse any viewpoint she wants. She’s religious and conservative, just like some of my friends and family, and so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that she’d be against homosexuals having the right to marry. If I decided to pull my son from her care, simply because we disagree politically, isn’t that me being intolerant of her religious beliefs?
I pride myself on having friends from a wide variety of backgrounds. Some believe in God and others are atheists. Actually, I probably have more conservative friends than liberal friends, despite my left-leaning tendencies. And I’m a firm believer that our differences—specifically our ability to get along despite those differences—are what makes the world go ’round.
But in the end, for me, this is about more than ideological differences.
♦♦♦
I have friends and relatives who are gay. I have aunts who are legally married to each other and have children. MJ and I are teaching Will to be tolerant of all lifestyles, races, and religions. Yet the woman I pay to watch Will felt there was nothing wrong with telling us—her paying clients—that our friends and relatives are offensive.
That’s just not right.
I confronted her the next morning. I calmly told her that while I don’t want to preach or make her conform to my more liberal viewpoint, MJ and I are very much in favor of gay marriage. I told her about our family members, and why I was insulted and offended by her remarks. Then I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I did not ever want Will to hear her say that homosexuality is wrong.
She told me that while she won’t preach in front of Will, she firmly believes homosexuality is wrong—that it’s against God’s will, and that it’s a sin. However, she oh-so-kindly said that she “hates the sin and not the sinner”—as if that somehow makes her bigotry palatable. And for kickers, her ex-husband—who she is best friends with—is gay. But she still thinks he’s a sinner.
I know that when you opt for daycare (we don’t have much choice), you take your chances, by having someone else spend so much time with your kids. Everyone is different. I am a proponent of Will being surrounded by all types of different people with varying viewpoints—but I think this is a different story.
♦♦♦
This person thinks being gay is morally wrong. She believes a whole segment of the population, my loved ones included, shouldn’t have the same rights that she does. I’ve witnessed first-hand that she has no problem saying so in front of my impressionable two-year-old. Will is a bright kid—sometimes you only have to say something once and he never forgets it. Even though my provider is generally a nice enough woman, the fact that she openly looks down upon gay people for no good reason is very troubling. And unacceptable.
I’m all about celebrating differences, but I can’t tolerate bigotry. I think we’ll be finding another daycare for Will as soon as we can, because as parents, we have to be comfortable with the authority figures we let into our kids’ lives. If I’m paying someone for a service, I don’t think I—and especially Will—should have to be subjected to offensive remarks regarding the people I love.
What’s so hard about teaching young children love and acceptance, as opposed to exclusion and intolerance?
—Aaron Gouveia
About Aaron Gouveia
I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to expose my child to such intolerance. The daycare provider is so misguided. Hate is so antithetical to God.
Part of the problem is that there is a huge divide in communications between people who are Christians and who aren’t. A lot of Christians don’t know how to explain their faith and reduce to terms and phrases that sound good to them, but in reality are offensive and very misunderstood. Or, they aren’t versed in the bible enough to understand that it clearly says that ‘all’ men are sinners, not just the gay ones or any other social, cultural, sexual, or spiritual group. You really do show your judgmental nature when you throw words around like that in a way that is meant to bully and belittle someone.
On the flip side, I’ve seen many groups use the term Christian and say it in a belittling and demeaning manner…but none of that is what your post is about.
As a parent, you have to make choices for how your child is to be brought up, and if you feel that you kid isn’t being cared for and nurtured as you’d like, it is your responsibility to place them where you think they will be taught what you consider proper values. 2 year olds are like sponges and the stuff they pull in at that age can really stick with them.
The thing that could spark the biggest debate though is your last line…Love and acceptance vs exclusion and intolerance. You have to remember that every belief system has some folks cut out of it, no matter which one you subscribe to. It is impossible to be completely inclusive of everyone and everything. As a parent, you have to decide for your kids what is the proper kind of love you want them to practice and what you want to include or exclude.
I hope this rambling makes some kind of sense.
This is the first time I vehemently disagree with this Good Men Project posting. While I agree with the author’s decision to find alternative daycare, which was more in keeping with their (his) beliefs and values, he should now appreciate the situation the majority of the parents face when we are forced to send our children to public school, and then they are exposed to the leftist ideals. We pay taxes and of course, if we decide to send them to a private school, we must pay double.
Additionally, there is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. Yes, we must “all get along!” We can respect another person’s decision, but we those people need to also respect mine. My children are much more tolerant of everyone different from them; however fully understand that their are some beliefs that are not in keeping with natural law or the teaching of the Holy Mother Church.
Now, I have appreciate the Good Man Project as something to encourage the traditional role of authentic manhood, to help counter the vast amount of confusion and wounds cause in part by the ultra-feminist movement. It is a healing project to build up men as our role of leader, provider, and protector.
Matthew: I’m not sure I understand the point you’re trying to make.
First of all, public schools are not places that preach “leftist ideals.” Unless by that phrase you mean they don’t preach religion and they accept everyone regardless of race, gender and sexual orientation. If that makes public schools bastions of ultra liberalism then so be it. Better that than the alternative.
Also, it’s hilarious you say your kids are tolerant, but then in the same breath you say “their (sic) are some beliefs that are not in keeping with natural law or the teaching of the Holy Mother Church.” So they’re tolerant, except certain segments of the population that don’t conform to your specific religion are wrong? Yeah, that sounds like a paragon of tolerance right there.
And I highly doubt the creators of this good site would agree with you that the “ultra-feminist” movement is causing “vast amounts of confusion and wounds.” I’d argue the narrow-minded teachings of your precious church do far more damage than the feminists who may or may not populate this website.
hallelujah! Thank god men like you exist.
@ matthew. please, tell me how hard life is for a man compared to a woman now that this ultra-liberal feminist revolution has taken over the world! I’ll try not to laugh in your face as I earn $0.85 to you $1
hallelujah! Thank god (that’s a lower-case “g” mind you) men like you exist.
@ matthew. please, tell me how hard life is for a man compared to a woman now that this ultra-liberal feminist revolution has taken over the world! I’ll try not to laugh in your face as I earn $0.85 to you $1
Luckily for us, where we live our public schools aren’t anti-religious, they are just non-religious. I have heard stories where teachers wouldn’t allow children to carry a bible to school or pray quietly. That’s not ‘better than the alternative’ as you said.
So your argument is, you can tolerate everything but people who aren’t tolerant. However, your last line sounds like you are very intolerant of people who have strong religious beliefs.
For every ignorant, close-minded, right-wing, nut job, there is a leftist pinko commie on the other side of the same coin.
Interesting article. One nit: being gay isn’t a “lifestyle.”. I think most news paper editorial guides discourage it’s use.
Very well said Matthew. I’m with you on this one. I have had to endure years of public school ideology that was very different from my own. Years of watching the intolerance of public schools towards males in general and years of seeing boys get hammered for having behaviors that are basically healthy boy behaviors. Years of seeing healthy male competition be labeled as wrong or even as sexist. All the while watching my daughter get preferred treatment, invitations to special this’s or thats, etc etc They are both very bright young people but it was so clear that my daughter had the paved road to success while my son had to cut through the underbrush. I will never forget my son writing a paper on men’s issues and getting downgraded because the teacher simply didn’t like what he was saying. Our culture is so deep in misandry that most don’t even see it.
Rhyne: I’m not intolerant of people who have strong religious beliefs. I’m intolerant of people who have strong religious beliefs who judge a minority for no good reason and then try to pass that bigotry on to my son. There’s a significant difference. And for what it’s worth, I’m not against kids bringing bibles into public schools or having them pray quietly. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just don’t want the teachers or the school system endorsing religion in a public school.
David: You’re right about lifestyle not being the correct term for homosexuals. But technically I used it to say “MJ and I are teaching Will to be tolerant of all lifestyles, races, religions, etc.” So I didn’t tailor that term specifically to gays. Which is really just a technicality and my way of saying you’re right, and next time I’ll avoid the word altogether.
Regarding liberal/conservative/etc. schools:
It’s been my experience that there are people from all parts of the political spectrum who have had the misfortune of attending a school that was openly of a different political/religious bent than themselves. This is why schools should be non-political and non-religious (excepting, of course, private schools). That is not to say that people shouldn’t be allowed to bring in religious texts for their own private reading time or be allowed to pray quietly, but we ought to discourage professionals from advocating for any particular affiliation, and we should also try to discourage unsolicited proselytizing by the student body as well.
Even though I identify as a liberal, I cannot accept that schools would tell conservative-raised children what to believe regarding politics and religion. It is unprofessional and disruptive of the family unit. The same goes for liberally-raised children attending conservative institutions. Having prayer-time forced upon them through the PA system is damaging to those kids and that family.
With that said, I don’t think there’s any harm at the higher levels of education (late high-school, college and beyond) to start engaging in reasoned discourse about such things. These discussions, however, should not be conducted as a way for students to try to recruit each other to their “side”, but rather as awareness builders. This, of course, is a very difficult state to achieve, but I was fortunate enough to attend a high school that got pretty good at it, at least on the classroom level.
Whatever your political or religious beliefs, this was unprofessional behavior on the part of the caregiver, as Adam points out. Unless this is a parochial school–which I did not gather from the piece– any proselytizing is unacceptable. The school is ostensibly in business to provide a service, provide employment, and make a profit. Imagine if a popular restaurant in town had a banner near their sign that said” “No to same-sex marriage.”
There are businesses who are willing to loose a segment of the population based on ideology and/or belief systems, but ask any business or marketing professional. It’s generally considered a bad business practice.
Aaron,
While I share your disagreement with the provider’s point of view, you have no one to blame but yourself for your son’s exposure to her. You knew she was religious, and you had indications early on that she was sharing ideas at odds with and offensive to your own. The problem is not with her ideas, but with your inaction. Her opinions are not the problem unless she was proselytizing to your son in secret and against your wishes. It’s not for you to dictate the way she practices her childcare — bigoted or not. It’s for you to steer your child in the right direction, and to find guardians who share your perspective. If I had the experience, I’d just dismiss the person immediately. Problem solved.
Joel
http://www.bookfordad.com
Essay Contributor, “The Good Men Project”
I had my kid in a preschool once, and the teacher ran it like a school classroom, with seating charts, drills, homework, etc. “to get them conditioned for school.” We found this a very wrong approach, so we pulled our son out. The issue is really the same. If you don’t like the food; go to a new restaurant. But if you go to Italian restaurant, you can’t complain or be surprised that they’re serving pasta.
Joel
http://www.bookfordad.com
Essay Contributor, “The Good Men Project”
Joel:
Easier said than done. There are various things to consider here:
First of all, she is affordable. The move to the daycare facility we really want translates into an additional $400 a month. I’d love to be able to make it work, but the reality is we can’t afford it. It’s very simple to say “we’d pull him” but first we need to find someplace that fits the bill, and our budget.
Second, I think you’re dead wrong when you say “you had indications early on that she was sharing ideas at odds with an offensive to your own.” I knew she was religious, that’s it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would bring religion into her duties as a daycare provider. To me, personal opinions should never interfere with providing a professional service. I think that’s just common sense. To call it “inaction” on my part is seriously misguided, since this incident is the first time I know of that religion has popped up in the course of my son’s care. And also, not everyone who is religious is outspoken and obnoxious about it. So your Italian restaurant analogy is completely moot.
Third, I want to surround my son with people who share solid values. Absolutely. But I certainly do not want to immerse him solely in a group that shares my perspective. That would be impossible anyway, since even in my own family we all have different perspectives. A smattering of various opinions and occasional disagreement is a good thing. My problem with this particular situation is that her opinion actively disparages an entire group of people based on their sexual orientation. That’s not a difference of opinion, it is bigotry.
This is why I’m holding off on kids until my parents are retired!
Lucky me that I have that option. It sucks for everyone who does not. My parents had similar issues when they had us, we went through a couple daycare options until they found one that did not force us to say “god is great!”
Unfortunately, this is one of many times your child will be exposed to something you may or may not agree with. Just as I tried to keep soda and fast food from my daughters at age 2… only to find my best friend gave them Sprite and McDonald’s when she kept them.
The lesson I’ve learned is this: You cannot protect your children from what they will be exposed to – germs, ideals, bad food, violence, broken hearts…
But you can use this time to explain what YOU believe and what YOU prefer they eat and how YOU prefer they behave. You also explain that not everyone will agree with you. Our children are little people with their own little minds. They will decide one thing feels like truth to them only to find out later that it wasn’t their truth at all.
Teach Will discernment, age-appropriately, of course. Teach him to bounce back. Teach him your preferences. Then watch as he follows in your footsteps without you even trying…
Good luck!
Well said T, I absolutely agree.
Several thoughts.
1. Controlling other people is never going to work. Teaching your child to know how to respond to people seems a better course.
2. Stating what you want and what you believe is great, and as a gay man, I appreciate you educating this woman.
3. More education = more tolerance. People who provide preschool childcare are probably generally less educated than the people whose kids they care for.
4. Much childcare is provided in churches, so it seems natural that many childcare providers would have a churchy perspective.
I think you’re right for wanting to find another provider, but your story makes me question a few things. This isn’t an attack, so hopefully it comes across the way I’m intending it too.
As a christian, I too find homosexuality morally wrong, but I believe that under the constitution, they should have all the same rights. Marriage is a religious ceremony, so the government shouldn’t be involved at all. The legal certificate is all that matters, and that shouldn’t be withheld from anyone. And just because I find homosexuality wrong, its not my job to judge those that choose/are born (theory that is debatable since not proven either way) that way of life. I have gay friends. Just because I don’t agree with them doesn’t mean I have to hate them. Not agreeing isn’t hate. It just means that I don’t believe in it. Intolerance is being thrown around like racism. She said she is friends with her ex-husband, so she’s not intolerant, she doesn’t agree. If she were intolerant, then she wouldn’t even tolerate him.
Bigotry is a broad term, because by definition, your attitude towards her beliefs is also bigotry. Its a tricky road to go down, because its so broad. Are those against beastiality bigoted? Its not illegal in quite a few states. Are all Christians bigots because their book teaches something. Are all Muslims bigots because their book is so down on women?
Education is always key, and this is the main point where I believe parenting has slipped. Regardless of what is taught to a child, no matter how impressionable they are, parents should ask them what they learned. Talk to them about all aspects. Some believe this, some believe that, I believe this. Education doesn’t end in a classroom. Information is knowledge and knowledge is power. Giving them access to every angle and every belief will only help them. You just can’t get it all from one place. Sheltering them from information you don’t believe in will only hurt them later when they learn about it, and it confuses them or makes them doubt what they learned before. Make them question everything. Without questions, there can never be answers.
Great Article!