Comedian G.R. Jones gives some advice on how to be the alpha-est of stay-at-home-dads.
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So how do you stay at home with your kids and still own your shit? How do you deal with diapers and tantrums but still keep your energy up enough to work out and handle yourself physically? It’s not for wimps. Striking the balance isn’t easy.
A stay at home Dad has to show love and be nurturing, but also be the strong authority figure that children look to in times of trouble. I should mention here that this relates to ALL genders and types. Whoever is taking up the mantle of primary care faces these challenges. For myself, in THIS world, I have to acknowledge that people’s perceptions can fog up my senses as I strike the balance on a daily basis.
I live in Burbank, CA, and in a lot of ways it is populated by a great deal of “traditional” minded people. I can tell by the looks and occasional condescending comment. It’s not intentionally rude. It just shows how deep-rooted the old school thinking is. The most frequent is at the supermarket. I rock up with my double decker stroller with my little guy up top and my three year old helps put the groceries on the conveyor. 8 times out 10 I get “Oh my! Is it Daddy day today?”
At first I would smile and play along. Eventually my stock answer became “Every day is Daddy day”.
The other frequent comment is “You’re doing a great job”. Sounds positive, I know but you really don’t hear that with women doing the “job”. So I get a mixed feeling of being congratulated like a child would be for tying his shoes correctly, and feeling awful for women who plod along without any recognition every single day. The most uncomfortable is the occasional stare I get from a Mom who is corralling her own two kids. She will stare in disbelief because—and this is my perception—that she has very little help with her kids because her husband thinks it un-manly to care for them or go on errands as a family. He’s the “breadwinner” and she “handles the kids”.
There are a great deal of sociological factors to being an Alpha Dad, and I don’t have any clinical answers for you. I’m not a doctor or a Buddhist or even a half-assed wellness expert that seem to thrive here in sunny SoCal. But I do watch my two boys full time and have done so for three years now. So if it helps, here are some tips on keeping your energy levels up and more importantly, your mind from turning into a ball of short-tempered synapses that will hound you into an eventual rage stroke:
- Exercise I know, I know. No shit, Sherlock. Everybody knows this but not everybody respects this. Going for a walk isn’t going to cut it. Doing the minimum will certainly keep you alive longer, but if you want true fitness and energy, you have to work at it. I’m 40 years old, and maintaining even my lackluster frame takes more than just taking the kids to the park. Living in a warmer climate is a distinct advantage. I remember a lot of long winters back east, where not much outdoor stuff is possible. So if you live somewhere warm, get your ass outside! Martial Arts is a big help. Three times I week I practice Jeet Kune Do after my wife gets home, and it helps with conditioning my body to accept more stress. After a few weeks of soreness, I saw an immediate difference. So any kind of art, whether it be Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Aikido, HapKido, Wing Chun, what have you, will get you into shape. These classes can be pricey if you’re on a budget. There’s a tendency if you’re low or fixed income to not exercise as all the accouterments like gloves and focus mitts cost too much money. I know because I grew up in a low income home. You can still exercise! When I’m trapped at home due to weather, or it’s a non-training day, I jump rope for three minutes while my littlest guy eats cheddar bunnies and watches me with bemusement. A decent jump rope on Amazon will run you six bucks. You can also do abdominal crunches on the floor for free. Just do a lot of sets and make sure it hurts. There’s nothing wrong with being Spartan. They did a lot without a membership to 24 hour fitness. Wellness isn’t just for people who have high incomes. Your life matters just as much as some guy running around town with a tie dyed yoga mat sticking out of his European carry-all. Find a regiment that works for you and do it faithfully. You decide your own code to live by. Just try to help yourself and build your endurance.
- Diet. I know, more brain bombs! But so many people eat shitty food and if you’re a stay at home whatever, you need to realize that diet counts. You can exercise all day, but if you don’t give your body what it needs, it’s pointless and you will probably have a heart attack. Food is very personal so I won’t tell you what to eat, but stay away from fast food, and try to stick with a plant based diet. Vitamins are also a big help. B-12 and B-Complex tabs, along with Vitamin C every other day is great way of keeping your energy levels up, but always consult a doctor before beginning a regiment. It’s ok to have a “bad day” and grab a burger. Just make sure you get back on your horse the next day. The same goes for alcohol. A glass of red wine a day has been shown to have great benefits. I just need one glass of wine though. Just don’t over do it, you’ll deplete your energy for the next day.
- Sex! Awww yeah! But here’s where the challenge of the Alpha Dad lies. You’re watching the kids all day, all week etc, so how do you transition into your partner’s all powerful god of love making when she/he needs it? The important truth to remember is that this a job, pure and simple. Yes they are your kids and it is personal, but it is also a job. And when you “clock out”, you’re just like anyone else who just put in a hard day’s work. So if the kids are asleep, and your partner clocks the look in your eye and responds in kind, go for it!
- Try embrace your time with the kids. Mine are still small and I am putting a lot of stock in what so many people say about having kids: that it goes by so quickly. So even though as I have been writing this I’ve had to stop a million times to change poopy diapers, break up a fight, and generally keep them both alive, I feel somewhat lucky. They’ll be men one day and won’t have much time for the old man. But that’s ok. I can rest knowing that I did right by them.
So breeze by the odd looks, ignore the silly comments, and remember that this will get easier and you’ll be glad for it later in life. And as Rodney Dangerfield use to close his live shows, “Don’t take no shit off nobody”
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Photo: Flickr/Mehdi Kabab