Zat Baraka learned the hard way that men often have no clue how to respectfully interact with women about their menstrual cycles.
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For a few days every month, an ex-girlfriend of mine suffered agonizing pain. I dreaded that time, I helplessly witnessed her moan and writhe in pain. Instead of lending a hand, I instead chose to avoid the subject altogether. Since I had no way of being part of her process, I just stayed away from her.
Of course, naturally, this would piss her off. If I did engage her, I had to be very careful how I spoke (it probably wasn’t such a good idea to have questioned her as to why she had so much pain). No one ever properly taught me about this part of life. Like most men, I had no training in how to be in relationship with her in regards to her menstrual cycle. It feels like the only training men have had for a millennia is to avoid menstruating women.
Luckily since then, I have had and am currently in a relationship with a strong woman who has helped me to understand the beauty of a women’s menstrual cycle. Fortunately my fiancée has broadened my perspective on how to support her during this time, to move beyond the standard man’s programming: stay away from her when she’s bleeding cause she’s a bitch; shit, its that time of the month; or she is (or her blood) is disgusting and dirty.
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Why is this important?
I’m sure you want to create more ease and depth in your relationship. Through your presence and loving support during her monthly cycle, you are feeding the health of the relationship. This can only bring more fulfillment to the both of you.
In your desire to strengthen your relationship, seek to more fully understand her. And her monthly cycle is an integral piece.
This is not something you want to ignore if you desire experiencing the fullness of your woman.
Most men avoid this topic when considering their relationship. Take a moment and think about your own; do you argue more when she is about to menstruate? Do you get frustrated and confused in trying to relate with her?
Many men deal with the women in their lives’ irritability every month. You might also struggle with a woman who experiences chronic low level irritability, anxiety or depression, perhaps even horrible cramping and pain.
Many men I know shut down or overreact. How can we approach this significant time in a meaningful and healthy way?
These 5 tips are designed to help you interact more intimately and lovingly with your partner.
- No joking while she’s experiencing discomfort: It’s ok to make her laugh, laughter is good medicine BUT do not joke about it being “that time of the month again”. Rather than understanding her, you are actually shaming and judging her. She may close down to you, creating a disconnect in your relationship. No rude comments about what’s in the trash bin, about her being moody… no jokes, no nothing.
- Know her cycle: Ask her about the timing of her cycle, (though not when she is actually menstruating). If you can get a general idea of when she is ovulating or bleeding, you can more skillfully interact with her. By knowing her cycle, you can be more aware and sensitive to her changing moods and physical discomfort. This develops a deeper trust as your woman knows you are really present with what she is experiencing. Put it in your calendar so you have a heads up.
- Her changing libido: When premenstrual, her hormone level shifts. This hormonal flip can mean “she isn’t horny for you!” Interestingly, having an orgasm can relieve menstrual cramps, though your attitude during the whole cycle will determine whether or not she’s willing to explore this. Again , this is probably best to bring up when she isn’t in the middle of it.
- Don’t run away from her emotions; Many women like more space with menstruating but its best to take cues from her. Don’t just run off to the bar with the guys believing that’s best. If she wants you to leave, she will most likely ask for space. She may act like she doesn’t want you there, but remember she may actually desire some TLC. Your full presence is the best medicine. She will love you for this!
- Don’t try to fix her; The first thing I do is get my Fiancee a hot water bottle. She LOVES this. other great ideas include; complimenting her, being kind, helping out with chores (this should always be the case, but usually isn’t). Help create a cozy environment for her, and cook her comfort food. Hugs are also great. Its always amazing what a lavender lotion foot rub can do. The main thing is to not be an ass. (closing down and or not wanting to deal is being an ass) I know from experience that this doesn’t earn many points. Chocolate helps to stimulate serotonin, that can be a good move.
*Bonus tip for the super progressive guy: Her monthly bleeding cycle is a sacred flow exhibiting the power of women in their ability to birth a being from within. Shower her with respect for the intensity of what she undergoes every month. To view a woman’s period as a time of renewal and great creativity is an honoring.
Put some effort into understanding more of what your woman goes through every month. By understanding why she may be having mood swings and how to support her, you are strengthening your relationship. This approach is a win win for you, your woman and your whole family.
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Photo: Flickr/Hey Paul Studios
I agree with you in general but it is also good to keep in mind that not all women are the same. Or all men for that matter. I have never tried to ignore a woman on her period. I have given her space when asked to but generally I do whatever I can to help, generally being dismayed with someone I love is in pain.
I don’t really care if he helps me. I just wish he could try and understand how weak I am & tired from losing so much blood. Not to mention the pain. He gets mad like I wanna go thru it or like I’m the only women in the world who does go thru it. Which makes it ten times worse.
What. A. Load. Of. Bullshit.
Yeah give chocolate to a woman thinking she is sweaty, fat and spotty.. yeah.. she will love that.
Don’t joke… Wow… Way to be sexist and assume all women are the feminazi you are clearly with.
Beautiful? Fuck me. Is shitting beautiful? No. You are being a hippy cunt and acting like a twat. If it is beautiful then so is a rotting corpse. Stop being pretentious.
Let me offer some advice.
A) be there
B) ask them what helps
C) be understanding
D) don’t think all women are the same.
HAHAHA NEVER LAUGGHED SOO HARD!! YES, JUST YES!!!
You make some good points, at least at the end there. It is all well and good to try and be “present” and all that but all that stuff about it being “beautiful” is pretty debatable, especially if you have a loved one who has gone through MPDD. There is nothing beautiful about it.
Careful of that Chocolate though :). It sure keeps me moving but it is also said to increase the flow, and it is a no in an endometriosis diet I think. I may not be able to teach my husband to empathise, but want to teach my son all these and hopefully he will be a better person on this with the women he will come across in his life.
I’ve had the same difficulties with my wife. She has pmdd, and it’s ……really rough. Most times , it really is best to just stay away. She loses so much blood, she gets weak, and it just……I try to find new physical ways to comfort her, or lessen the symptoms, because that’s what I was taught growing up. As a guy, you find the source of the problem, and fix it. You don’t get all namby pamby and emotional. Although, I’ve tried that too, to no avail. In many instances, all emotional support does is make things worse. It’s just… Read more »
Although , once in a while , when it isn’t too bad, I get to hold her and rub her head and back. However , most of the time, it’s pretty bad, and she is so miserable , just touching her or talking to her is irritating, and uncomfortable for her. It’s hard to tell , as well, because she’s so good at hiding it usually, but we have great lines of communication, so I can usually just ask her if I can hold her. As for the hormones……the week before her period she puts out so many pheromones you… Read more »
#EmotionalChanges a girl faces during her #periods. #Menstruation is not only a physical thing. #WomanHealth #girls https://ewellnessexpert.com/blog/blog/62/i-wish-you-know-what-i-feel-during-this-time
This article is excellent. I hope that every man can have some education of this type.
Great piece Zat. Keep rocking. Love, –Tommy
Thank you Zat for opening this illuminating topic for couples to consider. Clear communication and finding ways to support one another is so important. Blessings to you.
This is an amazing article! I think all men should read this. A lot of men don’t get this kind of advice when learning about women and dating. This is the perfect thing for a father to pass onto his son, or for a male friend to pass onto another male friend. A perspective like this would help men and women connect more deeply in their relationships. When one person in the relationship decides to see from the other’s perspective, and to be compassionate for them during their challening moments, it encourages the other partner to do the same for… Read more »
Not a subject I would expect a male to write about however you did an exceptional job in sharing regarding the perils of women who experience great physical and emotional discomfort during their menses. A need to know post for men, thanks for putting it out there!
Live life, love you, laugh a lot,
Lyndah
The article as a whole reeks as cautionary, which I think is a bit contradictory to the message you are trying to send. You’re saying that menstruation is natural and beautiful and uplifting, but you are giving advice about when and when not to talk about a very real part of life! The men in most of my serious relationships didn’t necessarily avoid this time/topic but they did always act rather neutral. I don’t remember any of them mentioning “that time of the month” or acting as if I was disgusting. None of them made comments about what’s in the… Read more »
JDAWG, Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your point of view and my decades of studying, teaching and being in conscious relationship have shown me otherwise. I have no intention of conveying to men to be cautionary. If you read the comments above by libby and spyralbound, you will hear from women that do experience shaming ( YES, that does happen) about what’s in the trash bin and boyfriends running away. And if you reread the article, your suggestion of compassion and communication are what I mainly suggest. No suggestion of babying, I invite men to be present (which means… Read more »
I love everything about this article….thank you so much for the work you do Zat!
What a bunch of ridiculous nonsense! Basically this article says do whatever your women wants when she is on her period and don’t bhold her accountable for her actions while she is on her period because ya know …hormones.
Hi Kevin,
The article does not say do whatever she wants. It invites men to stop and shift out of old outdated tough macho guy syndrome and stop being dumb ass men. Show kindness and loving to your woman when you may not want to (during her period). It says if your woman has chronic irritability, anxiety, pain etc.. To up level how you relate to her. These are suggestions to keep in mind if you are a man that wants to keep growing your relationship.
I am nowhere near by cycle, but I definitely almost cried by the time I got to number five, and the bonus point. The willingness you exhibit to get creative, get involved, to listen and engage and be absolutely tender–the sheer kindness–it’s a little overwhelming. I don’t know a single other guy who would be willing (able?) to just tune in and happily offer a little TLC given the circumstances, in such circumstances. Of course, this could be because none of them have had “training” like your FREAKING AMAZING FIANCEE has clearly given you. I try to be very communicative… Read more »
You are very welcome Beth
“Help create a cozy environment for her, and cook her comfort food.”
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyl0dsrQbl1qgerbz.gif
I can’t speak for all women obviously but you know you’re advise here is the opposite of what you should do in my opinion. If she experiences a lot of pain then leave her the hell alone. She doesn’t want you to understand or discuss or even mention her period so just back off. Its not going to kill her. She doesn’t need your help. If you want to be kind to her then just leave her alone as much as possible. If she is not in a lot of pain then just treat her normally. She is not a… Read more »
If you look at a man who wants to understand your point of view, your experiences, who wants to learn how best to be good to you (even if that is NOT, for you, to draw closer)–if you look at a man like that and think “you’re trying to turn yourself into a prissy, emasculated, oversensitive weakling and it’s deeply unsexy”, I think maybe this website is not for you.
Svetlana
I feel I must not have explained myself well if you are reading the article as being an invitation for men to be more feminine, (although many men do have strong feminine traits), you can still be a manly masculine man and make her a meal and download a movie for her out of caring and kindness.
I know some very strong women that are not “oversensitive weaklings”, but still do not appreciate distasteful jokes when they are in pain during their cycles.
I as a woman think your comment is full of crap. I have always and will always prefer men who want to understand me, who relate to me, who I can see have compassion and love for both men and women in them. Prefer them soooo much over your so called bad boys. I totally want a man who’s balanced in his feminine and masculine energies. Feminine energy just means just the energy of creation and masculine energy is just that which gives form to it. Like feminine energy is where all your ideas come from and masculine energy is… Read more »
Great post Zat! I especially appreciate you bringing up the issues around changes in sexual desire. It’s something I’ve seen many men struggle with but not how to talk about skillfully.
Thanks for doing this deep work!
Fantastic awareness sharing and tips Zee! It can be a touchy subject as noted from some of the reactions to you trying to encourage men to be more aware Yes, it is crucial that we men and women do our best to understand each other and communicate the things we want and feel we need to express. I believe it is very helpful to not assume that our partners know or understand what we are going through. It is in our best interest to teach those around us how to treat us! Not assume they know! Thanks for the insights… Read more »
While it’s a great idea for men to be supportive of a woman’s cycle, it’s more important to understand the energy represented by it and it’s deeper meaning. As a woman who has spoken and taught on this topic as an expert for 20 years I’d like to share the following article I wrote.
http://ginacology.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/redefining-our-menstrual-cycle-and-pms/#comments
I also have another one on creating more intimacy in relationship via PMS which I have redefined as Powerful Monthly Sight. I hope you men will read it. And Zat, thanks for taking in this topic.
Gina,
I totally agree with you ( love your work). And the focus of this article is to reach as many men as possible that are open to this info. We men like to support, we like to feel necessary, it is in that spirit that I am approaching this.
Thanks for what you do!
The Sacred Moon Flow should really be welcomed every month, not “supported”.
The connotation is all wrong in the article. A woman’s period is a connection to energies, a marker of fertility and an indicator of the passage of time. It is part of the Sacred Nexus which binds us to this earth.
Hi pJim, Is the connotation really “All Wrong”? Yes, what you are saying makes sense, to welcome a woman’s moon cycle, that is a wonderful thought. This is written for men, as men have not been trained in this, nor have most men even been introduced to the term “Moon Flow”. The idea of the article was not to be provocative as that usually just pushes men away, it is meant to help men improve their relationships, to dissolves the negative stigmas and to support women, of which many have debilitating pain, anxiety etc… Lets start with “support” I think… Read more »
Check out the Girl Code episode where they cover this. Jessimae Peluso said, “Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, because it doesn’t make any sense at all.”
🙂
As a woman currently on her cycle, I have to say that if a partner (male or female) approached me with the so-called super-progressive “menses is a magic miracle” attitude every month, I’d be pretty creeped out and annoyed. I don’t think of my own period that way. If anything, it’s a welcome monthly confirmation that Halleluia, I’m not pregnant! The last thing I want is someone celebrating my unused (and frankly, unwanted) capacity to bear children all up in my face. That said, a little sympathy and patience goes a long way – beyond that, preferences will probably differ… Read more »
Yes, the same happened with me and my dad. And unfortunately I have not encountered many straight men that enlightened as well. My gay friends (and female friends as well, but that is a given mostly) are a lot more sympathetic and aware, and care (and believe me) a lot more about me and my cramps than any boyfriend I have ever had.
Spyralbound,
What a beautiful share, I really appreciate it. Yes, your story is very common and that is exactly why I wrote this. I have many men clients that still treat their wives/partners from this old mindset and are working to shift this.
The miracle magic menses attitude would of course depend on what works for the woman, not suggesting an over the top ceremony ever month, unless of course she likes it.
Thank you very much for your comment
Hey I dont know how to explain it but once you tap into the whole menses is magical it is pretty damn impressive. I’ve been able to use the energy of my cycles to create a better business, write more creatively, my song writing, my artistic skills all go off the charts near my period and during my period. I can feel exactly when in my cycle i have crazy energy to go out and do stuff and when its quite contemplation time. Its just been so so so amazing to me just how much calmer I am and how… Read more »
As someone who has experienced boyfriends running from me when I have terrible cramps (and when I needed them most to be there!) I commend you for telling men to be good partners and not run scared. I would like to add though, my terrible cramps turned out to be endometriosis, a chronic disease that 1 in 10 women have, of which period pain is a major symptom. If your partner is experiencing terrible cramps (and/or pain with sex, pain with passing bowel movements, pain with urination), get it checked out. Endometriosis is a leading cause of infertility and chronic… Read more »
I had been doing some of these things, but the perspectives outlined in the article will give a lot more depth and power to my efforts. Thanks.