Jason Sperber requests a redefinition of what it means to be masculine.
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The following is a list of stereotypical traits, interests, preoccupations, aptitudes, abilities, and roles, both silly and serious, trivial and not, historically associated and correlated with masculinity, manhood, and maleness via both societal mores and popular culture, which I, in my 37 years of life as a straight male, have totally and utterly failed to adopt, incorporate into myself, and live up to:
- I do not enjoy playing, either physically or via virtual statistics-based fantasy league, or watching, via televised broadcast or in person, sports, including but not limited to: football; basketball; golf; wrestling; boxing; hockey; bowling; NASCAR; tennis; bull riding; ultimate frisbee; curling; street luge; competitive rowing; and squash.
- I am not, and have never been, a “handy” or “D.I.Y.”-type person. I did not do my own kitchen remodel or snake my own sewer line to unblock the tree roots which used to cause my toilet to overflow every winter. I will not be building my kids a handmade playhouse or wiring my own surround-sound system so as to avoid nail punctures and self-electrocution. The last time I worked with tools to craft something with my own hands was my Pinewood Derby car when I was a Boy Scout, and even that was with my dad’s help. [Did I mention that he has a garage full of tools and table saws and whatnot and that he built my childhood home’s deck? And that he played high school football?]
- I am not what you would call a “car person.” I do not have memorized the features and statistical details of my fantasy sports car or truck or SUV, because I do not have a fantasy sports car or truck or SUV. I do not know how the car that I do drive works, and I do not know how to fix it if it stops working. [See the item above about not being a D.I.Y.er.]
- I do not drink or like beer. Any beer. I am not a teetotaler by any means, but I’d rather have a cold hard cider or a rum and Coke or a chilled glass of Riesling (yeah, not a big red wine drinker either) than a pint of trendy microbrew or a can of commercial swill. And if all you have is beer, then, yeah, sorry, I’ll go non-alc, but thanks for offering.
- I don’t hunt, I don’t like guns, I can’t shoot a bow or wield a knife or take someone down with a move gleaned from a UFC cage match. Sorry, but rifle class at Boy Scout camp (and yeah, I’m an Eagle Scout) didn’t help much. Not so much with the roughhousing either.
- I’ve had two brief careers as a high school social studies teacher and as a online journalist and community manager. In neither of those jobs did the salaries even approach the expected earnings of my wife, who is a physician, and we knew that would be the case going in, when we got engaged as college students and she was on the road to becoming a doctor and I thought I’d be a teacher for the rest of my life.
- Even before kids, I did more if not most of the cooking and laundry in our household, and since we became parents, I do almost all the cooking and laundry. [Growing up, my father the teacher did all the cooking while my mother, who stopped teaching for health reasons, did the laundry.]
- I am the stay-at-home-father of two amazing daughters. I am an at-home-parent by choice, and know that my family is lucky, economically, to be able to have that be a choice, rather than a financial impossibility or a forced situation.
Now, I know, and have already preemptively acknowledged above, that these are all stereotypes, some of them cruder than others. Before people start freaking out, I know that “football + cars + beer = masculinity” is a vast oversimplification veering on a bad joke. I know that. I’m not being totally serious here. And I’m not even saying that I don’t regret some of the above—sure, I’d love to be the kind of person (not guy, but person) who can fix stuff around the house without calling in the professionals. And yet…
And yet… Every single one of the examples above has been used, implicitly and explicitly, in seriousness and in jest, interpersonally and via mass media generalization, to question and cast doubt on my masculinity, my manhood, my maleness, my de facto membership in a real or imagined brotherhood of men. And taken all together, well… Why am I bringing this up? I certainly had no intention of plunging either headlong or reluctantly sideways in to the internet debate over redefining manhood and the “plight” of modern men. Then again, I’m already in the middle of it, aren’t I, just by self-consciously calling myself a “dadblogger” and writing about stuff like “involved fatherhood” and being a SAHD.
It’s OK to be loud, and play sports, and be rough—echoes of the traditional image of what a man is supposed to be—but what about the opposite? Is it OK to be quiet, and hate sports, and be gentle?
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And then, last week, I was reading a blogpost, by, like most blogposts I read, a fellow parentblogger (in this case, a momblogger). It was a list of lessons she wanted to teach her sons. It’s inocuous and heartwarming enough, full of things like love and learning and responsibility. But it starts with this: “1) Decide who you want to be. Decide what kind of man you want to become. Everyday behave like that man. You will fail often, keep going.”
Number eight is what stopped me up short: “8) It’s OK to be a man. If you want you can be loud, you can play sports, you can hunt and be rough. You don’t have to act like women no matter what is politically correct at the moment. In fact, try to always be politically incorrect. Political correctness kills truth and the ability to think for oneself.”
And I know she was just talking to her own kids, from her own experiences and her own beliefs, and not necessarily trying to tell anyone else what to do or think or be or feel, but… I couldn’t let this go, couldn’t get it out of my head. If we are empowered to decide what kind of men we want to be, then why does it feel like we’re still being told there’s a definition, out there, of what a man is that we’re supposed to measure up to? Or even further, that there’s a (good old, traditional) definition of a man that we can and should be in opposition to and because of other newer, different, less masculine, more feminized versions of “man” somebody is forcing upon us?
Again, I’m not saying the writer is saying any of this, only that this was my reaction, coming from my life experiences. It’s OK to be a man. But what does that mean? It’s OK to be loud, and play sports, and be rough—echoes of the traditional image of what a man is supposed to be—but what about the opposite? Is it OK to be quiet, and hate sports, and be gentle? Is that still being a man? If that’s the kind of man one chooses to be, is that OK? Does that still count? [And I’m not even going to get into other thornier issues of things like belief and sexuality vis-a-vis definitions of manhood, though you can probably guess where I stand.] Even amongst the diverse community of dadbloggers there’s a feeling of, yeah, look at us, we change diapers and cook and we parent-not-babysit-dammit, but we still hang out and watch the game with the guys and a cold one. Well, what about those of us who are into the former but not the latter? Or is it just me?
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I am not a father of boys. But I was a boy, once upon a time, not too long ago, or at least I like to think so. And I’ve already told you what kind of boy I was, and what kind of man I grew to be. And I taught plenty of teenaged boys, hurtling toward their own definitions of adult manhood, when I was a high school teacher last decade. And even now, when I volunteer at my oldest daughter’s elementary school or just observe as I walk across campus, I don’t see some entrenched “p.c.” culture war being waged, successfully or not, to turn boys into, well, me. I still see those traditional roles and ideas normalized, reinforced, lionized, on the playground, on the sidewalk, in the classroom, by their peers and adults alike. And for boys whose definitions of young manhood are different, who don’t play ball on the field or blacktop or act in “boy” ways and do “boy” things, well, I don’t see them. I’m not saying they’re not there, but just like me at that age, in that situation, maybe they’re off somewhere else, doing their own thing, not calling attention to themselves, because everything they’ve imbibed about what it means to be a man tells them to avoid that attention or suffer the consequences.
The day after I read that list, I read Hugo Schwyzer’s Good Men Project column on gender as performance in which he writes, “[M]en who long for a vanished world of all-male preserves are making a fundamental mistake about masculinity. They think that the opposite of ‘man’ is ‘woman’ and that in order to prove oneself the former they must do (perform) things that no woman can;. But it makes good sense to suggest that the better antonym of ‘man’ is ‘boy.’ To ‘perform masculinity’ isn’t about doing what women don’t. It’s about doing what boys lack the will or maturity to do.”
Obviously, it’s not just men who conceive of acting like or being a man as the opposite of acting like or being a woman. And it’s a false dichotomy, one which serves only to perpetuate stereotypes and unnecessary gender(ed) roles and to make outcast and abnormal those who stray from those tropes. And it’s a falsehood that I don’t want to teach to my daughters.
So who am I? And what does it mean, then, for me, to be a man?
It means that I’m a feminist. And an anti-racist. I’m an activist, and an educator, and a father, and a partner, and a person of color, standing for change, working for justice. And I know that my definitions of all of those labels may be different from yours, and hell, they may be different from mine in a year or two. And that’s OK, because identity is process.
Ultimately, I am who I need to be for my children, my partner, myself and our communities. And all of that is what makes me a man.
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Originally posted at daddyinastrangeland.wordpress.com.
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Growing up I road my bicycle everywhere. I was teased because I was told I was riding a “girl’s bike.” It didn’t have a bar across the front, but was scooped out. Even as a little kid I reasoned that riding down bumpy roads I might bound off the seat and get my balls smashed by the bar. When I was given the used bike, I thought it was just right. When I was told I was riding a girl’s bike, I just laughed and told them that was impossible. I’m a boy, so any bike I ride is a… Read more »
Don’t worry, rum is more manly anyway.
Perhapes we should stop being asahmed of being men, and instead of constantly soul searching of how to exist in the post feminist world, we should start to challenge the sexisim we are exposed to on a daily basis, and fight for mens equality and dignity?
Wow. I’ve just been sitting here after closely reading every word trying to think of exactly how to say what this article made me think/feel. I don’t even know how to say! It’s just flat-out, damn beautiful! I have never had an article just grab me like this. Lol. Okay, that sounds lame, but hey. I just don’t even know. Totally beautiful. Few days ago I read the article here about something to do with men being as oppressed as women and they’re only looked at as good for handy stuff and whatnot. It didn’t speak volumes to me like… Read more »
In summary: “We’re fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.” from Japanese Proverb
This article points out once again the issue of how we define so many things on the superficial. Yeah, a lot of men can check a lot of the boxes in your list and most will miss a few. The issue again is the narrow definition of masculinity.
Sadly, we don’t look for and can’t measure what makes a man a man:
Honor, integrity, responsibility and courage.
Do you know why it doing those things are what it means to be a man–because they needed to be done. Handy? Hunting? Car repair? 60 years ago the man needed to learn these things a) because those activities involve more than just baking cookies. they involve heavy lifting, calloused and dirty hands, and risk. Sorry, but this is the purview of a man. My father died when I was young. My mom learned how to fix the plumbing and other similar “handy man” activities. but there were some things she couldn’t do. Men learned out of necessity. If the… Read more »
You don’t know how to be a man,you need a woman to define your existence for you?
You have my sympathies.
A real man fights for equal rights under the law for all men.Start there.
Once you have social justice you can further flesh out your definition of existence.
There seems to be a certain lack of self in your post.
This is typical as men have always put women and children first,the problem is they’ve taken it too far and desire total supremacy,even unto defining yourself for you.
Have 16 y/o son; Like trendy, microbrewery beers; dislike sports; Moderately handy with tools,etc.; Cars are useful items to get us to where we need to go (and once every great while, when appropriate- gives us the opportunity to go really, really fast- sorry, that’s a good time!). Working defination of manhood for 12.27.11: 1. Be honorable- honest, trustworthy; follow through on commitments 2. Be loving- To be a loving friend, spouse/partner, or parent is the finest thing you can do with your life. 3. Be strong- Strong enough to be who you are; strong enough to protect yourself, family,… Read more »
I like beer and sports but I don’t fit any of those other stereotypes. I’m the father of 3 daughters, who does the majority of the housework and cleaning.
We’re more man than most MMA fighters because of how we’re raising our kids.
Godo article.
How te be a man: be honorable, stick to your word, be dependable, don’t be an ass. Oh, and double check any advice given to you by anybody else, this post included.
Especially don’t listen to your mother’s advice concerning dating or finding a girlfriend.
Well, lacking the skills you lack doesn’t make you less of a man unless we define man in part as useful in one or another contingency.
Since you don’t think that’s an issue, fine for you.
But I hope you’re not writing off those skills as some kind of troglodytic holdover from the bad old days before such enlightened beings as yourself showed up.
How to be a man – a question I ask every day.
I have two sons, and being a very intelligent (and attractive woman), I must say that women face some of the same stereotypes. I would like to eliminate these in my sons. To me, a man means knowing who you are, being willing to stand up for your morals when they are crossed, and acting sympathetically in all situations. Manhood should have nothing to do with liking sports, cars, or boobs. I think so many men are afraid their buddies will not think they are a real man they fail to realize that these concepts vary greatly from person to… Read more »
Here is something to consider as a man (Not sure how long you have been in the situation that you are in, I will assume more than 10 years) If you were to get a divorce , you could not expect to get alimony for life, you may not even get 50/50 custody of the kids (unless your wife agrees). Reverse the genders in your situation and you can bet she would get all those things. Some probably wonder why as I a woman I constantly take ‘the mans side’ (gotten some nice emails about this). 2 very good reasons,… Read more »
Lost the link……..
http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2011/09/02/1105403108
Interesting study
Thank you.
I read this entry, and it screams to me of a wholly unaccomplished person. With the list of can’t/won’t/don’t at the top, I was left asking “what happened to can/will/do?” It also sounds like you are trying to justify your lack of traditional manly identifiers through semantics. This article is just one more scoop of dirt thrown on what used to be a decent site. At some point it got taken over by apologists and feminists and seems scared of its own shadow. The accidental rape article was the last straw.
What a beautfully written, touching post. I’m a teenage girl and I’ve seen many decent boys ruined by their attempts to be “masculine”. Good on you:)
Great post! I just have one thought about the conclusion you reach. You say: “Ultimately, I am who I need to be for my children, my partner, myself and our communities. And all of that is what makes me a man.” I was just wondering – how would you feel about that last sentence if ‘man’ was replaced with ‘person’? Or ‘adult’? Because I share your opinions about gender stereotypes, but the conclusion I reach is that if you take away all the stereotypes associated with ‘man’ and ‘woman’, all you’re left with as the meanings of those words is… Read more »
I am a lot like you, except that I like beer so much that I’ve resorted to brewing my own. I used to think my lack of sports ability was due to my dad’s neglect or because of his lack of interest in sports. I recently discovered my dad is secretly addicted to basketball, and totally nurtured my little brother’s interest in hockey, tennis and fishing. My own son, on the other hand, loves football, basketball, cars, construction equipment, being loud, and roughhousing. So… the challenge for me will be to encourage him to be himself and nurture all those… Read more »
I’m not particularly fond of definitions, especially when other people try to define who I am. I went through all that, I played sports, hunted, learned to fix things and I realized that I didn’t like it all that much, not even the beer. I still fix things when it needs to be done and I like carpentry but that’s about it. I’ve worked through that and I’m comfortable with who I am and that’s all that matters. When I come across people trying to define my identity, like many writers at this blog, it bothers me because I’ve already… Read more »
What people are saying, I think, is that men who don’t have any idea how their own car works, don’t want to or can’t hold down a job outside the home, can’t do basic home maintenance, and don’t like physical activity are pretty unusual. Not that they aren’t men. If someone is happy living that way, that’s their choice. All it takes to be a man is to be an adult male. For example, I think (I could be wrong) that many women would prefer that their husband/boyfriend not expect her to be the one to change a flat tire… Read more »
I once dated a guy who didn’t like driving and wanted me to drive us everywhere. He knew nothing about cars and he couldn’t have fixed a flat tire if his life depended on it. I think of myself as an open-minded person gender-wise, but I have to admit, his lack of interest in driving was a huge turn-off for me. It’s not that I want a super manly-man, but I have to admit, I’m most attracted to men with mostly “male” characteristics. I think it is great if a guy can be comfortable enough to forge a different path… Read more »
This is really worth discussing… Number one is that none of those things that the writer writes makes you a man or keeps you from being a man. I can’t get away from feeling uncomfortable with the blog. I just get the sense that it misses the whole point by mixing issues and terms. What we are mixing is Men versus Male. I think what the lady means is, “Be a male..” There are male traits and there are female traits. One is not better than the other, but it is Society, PC, says that a Female has the loftier… Read more »