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It’s a logical question. Can you ask her to “Woman Up”?
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It’s tough always being the man in your marriage.
Guys often tell me they are asked to be the man by their wives who claim to need more of this and less of that.
“Pay attention to my needs and do that man thing you do so I can feel what I need to feel!”.
I wrote a recent article about it where I described what many women want when they say “I need you to be the man in our marriage.”
Then comes an obvious question from a married guy.
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What the hell? Do I get to tell her I need her to be the woman?
Good question. This is what I told him.
Damn right you do. You have every right to express your needs and explain to her how it feels when she is being a woman who meets those needs. Why the heck not? Because it feels a little scary, doesn’t it? You can’t do it if you’re not feeling strong. An emotionally strong man can say what he wants, what he needs and what he expects because he doesn’t give a f*ck what she thinks about it.
He cares deeply about her feelings, thoughts and dreams. He just doesn’t care how she reacts to his.
And, oddly, women LOVE that guy. Not an ass. Not a jerk. Just a guy who is so emotionally strong and comfy in his own skin that fear of her – fear of discomfort – fear of rejection are not on his radar.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeHe likes and respects himself more than he needs her to like and respect him. And because of that he can ask for whatever it is he needs without fear.
A guy like that is irresistible to women. She assumes he can stand up to her. He can handle her emotions. Protect her. Not only can he take her rollercoaster of storms – he can take her when he wants to.
“Yeah, right. That won’t work. She knows me too well.”
You didn’t ask me to help you “make something work”. You asked me if you could speak up for yourself and tell her what you need.
Those are two different questions.
The problem with many husbands these days (I was one) is that they are overly invested in “what works” – focused on a particular outcome – avoiding failure.
The most important thing about being an emotionally strong man is that you truly don’t give f*ck if it’s “working” or not.
The outcome is never as important as your investment in becoming a man who boldly asks for what he wants and creates the life he wants. The consequences of becoming that man in your marriage are uncertain. Don’t let uncertainty paralyze you from being who you’ve always wanted to be.
A husband who walks on eggshells creates much more tension and uncertainty than one who refuses to.
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How to Become a No-Eggshell Walking Bad Ass
This is the only remedy known to man.
You become emotionally strong by working with other men. Talking, thinking, working, laughing and even crying with other men. Initiated men who have already crushed a million eggshells and found a much easier way.
A husband who walks on eggshells creates much more tension and uncertainty than one who refuses to. |
Seriously working with other men is like an “emotional gym” where we get to build muscle and strength. It creates clarity and with that comes a change in perspective. And with that comes confidence.
With confidence comes decisions. That allows inspired action.
These are the actions of a man who experiences his well-being not by “what’s working” or how she is reacting to him. His well-being is already inside of him – always has been- always will be.
To feel it, all he needs to do is learn to laugh at the eggshells and walk on the path he was meant to travel. The outcome will take care of itself.
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What’s “Be the Woman” Mean to You?
Let’s play in the comments section.
If you were to say, “I need you to be the woman in our relationship”…share what that specifically means to you.
I’ll join in with my two cents too.
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Want more conversation about how to lose your fear and start walking your own path in your relationship? I wrote this free ebook just for you. “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage”. Get it HERE.
Photo Ana Martinez/Flickr
Hey Ugh, Interesting that you’ve boiled my message down to men being either a doormat or dictator. Others call it the New Age Wimp and the Macho Jerk. Nope, I don’t see it as two choices. You got the wording messed up. I said “he doesn’t care how she REACTS to his feelings, thoughts and dreams.” I didn’t say he doesn’t care what she thinks which would have been stupid. Big difference between a man who refuses to REACT to judgment of his needs and one who doesn’t care what anyone thinks. A strong, clear-headed man who knows what he… Read more »
“An emotionally strong man can say what he wants, what he needs and what he expects because he doesn’t give a f*ck what she thinks about it.” Might want to retitle your website. This isn’t at all behavior that a “good man” engages in. And no, women don’t love that guy. If a guy treated me like that I’d #byefelicia his sorry butt. I am an emotionally strong, type-A, alpha woman and I say what I think, but I DO care what my family/SO think. Emotional detachment and uncaring aren’t hallmarks of being “strong” but rather being self-centered. Communicating your… Read more »
“A husband who walks on eggshells creates much more tension and uncertainty than one who refuses to.”
No it is the wife who creates much more tension and uncertainty when she makes her husband walk on eggshells.
@G
Yes!!!!!!
Curious guys. Who else in your you life has the power to “make you” walk on eggshells?
How did they get that power? What’s one thing you could do to remove that power?
You do know you don’t have to walk on eggshells…right?
Wants me “to be the man”, be the woman. Want a gentleman, be a lady. I’m evil though, I toss it right back at them. But in all honestly, Steve, I love that my wife is feminine, that she has a way about her. I love that she makes our house a home, that every picture, plant, painting is arraigned in an almost nurturing, homey formation. I love that she cooks for me, takes care of me and allows me to take care of her in the ways that I know how. We are equals, friends, partners in crime, but… Read more »
DJ I have tried in vain to figure out what is the feminine energy and the masculine energy ,but in vain. What is it? I do not think men and women are totally alike,not at all but I do not understand the concepts of masculine and feminine energy. I understand that a society has gender roles,but that is not exactly the same. When Russian ,Kurd ,Israeli women are soldiers in the army ,are they then “masculine energy”? Is Jamie Oliver the chef feminine energy when he cooks food and earns lots and lots money doing so? I just don’t get… Read more »
Good question, but as difficult to explain as is love, but hearkens back to a simpler time. I’ve read a lot of cultural mythology from the Greeks to Native American, even Pagan. I predicate the notion of masculine and feminine energy based on much of that: mother earth, father sky, earth and moon, women as life givers men as life takers, men hunted and protected, women nested and nurtured. Bly wrote a great deal about it also. It’s genetic memory more than cultural conditioning, and its not the same for everyone. One can think of it as fire and water.… Read more »
Iben – If you don’t understand this stuff you need to read more. Instead of getting confused about the genderizing labels “masculine” and “feminine”, just focus on the core archetypes of YIN and YANG. In heterosexual relationships, there are plenty of situations where she is the YANG and he is the YIN. In homosexual relationships, and other queer relationships, often enough you’ll see an equally obvious coupling of a YANG person and a YIN one. In lesbian culture, for example, they’re known as BUTCH and FEMME. In BDSM culture, you get your TOPS and your BOTTOMS, or your DOMINANTS and… Read more »
Great read, Steve and I am surprised you haven’t gotten more responses to your question. Here are a few thoughts. Being the woman means: – Respecting and valuing yourself as an individual – Owning your feelings and emotions – Taking responsibility for your physical and mental health – Assuming good intent by your man, even when he messed up. – Being flattered by your man initiating sex, even while saying not tonight and initiating yourself when the mood strikes. – Believing your man when he says you look gorgeous in the morning even when your hair’s a mess, you have… Read more »
Great article. Men are not handicapped. Women are not crazy. Let’s work together.
Do I Get to Ask Her to be the Woman in our Marriage?”
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OMG, I am rolling on the floor here.
Do yourself a favor and what this 3 minute bit from the immortal Sam Kinison on Marriage
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GXPd0fnpKw
just watched it. crying and laughing at the same time. thanks, Dumpty!
be the woman means that she does not question my decisions.
Thanks, Tim.
What would she do instead? What would it mean to you if she didn’t question your decisions?
In my case, my radar gets tweaked when she says, “Do you really want to do that?” when I’ve made some choice that affects only me. I like being granted the assumption that my personal decisions have been thought out – that I’m not acting impulsively. But….sometimes I am….sometimes her simple question is actually helpful, despite my reaction to it.
She should respect my intelligence. If she wants me to be the man, that means she knows I know what is best for myself. Be the woman also means she never talks down to me and that she values all the I do. If she wants me to be the man, then she better start treating me like one.