Advice columnist August McLaughlin helps a guy understand his girlfriend’s past history of casual sex.
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Editor’s Note: August McLaughlin is our weekly relationships advice columnist. She’s here to answer questions and offer guidance on the tough challenges we face in our intimate relationships. Readers can submit questions to [email protected]. Not all questions will be published. The opinions expressed in this column do not constitute professional advice. The Good Men Project assumes no responsibility or liability whatsoever for any actions taken by, or reactions that ensue from, anyone following the recommendations in the answers.
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Hey August,
My girlfriend and I were playing one of those relationship games at a party recently, and I ended up learning that she’s had quite a few sexual partners in the past. To be honest, it shocked me, and I’ve been struggling to feel okay with it. How could my sweet, thoughtful girlfriend have been such a loose party girl? (Sorry for that terminology—just being honest about my initial thoughts.) She said she felt ashamed of some of the experiences, which made me feel a bit better—like if she regrets them, I’m better off, and right in my angst. (Again, just being honest.) But she also says she enjoyed it all for the most part. I want to do right by here, and am hoping you can shed some light.
Thanks,
Perplexed
♦◊♦
Hey Perplexed,
From high school into my early twenties, I was a serial monogamist, spending extremely little time single between serious relationships. After divorcing a man I’d married too quickly, I decided to focus fully on my career aspirations. For the first time, I adored being single, standing strong on my own, and focusing on work and time with dear friends—but I still craved sexual connection.
It wasn’t until I moved to Los Angeles and realized I could actually have casual sex and enjoy it that I realized how strengthening and gratifying it can be. Is it a substitute for the intimacy cultivated through a deep and lasting connection with another human? Not for me. But I learned that as long as I was being safe and honest, I could really benefit from sex without strong emotional attachment. It turned out to be one of the most empowering time periods of my life.
While my casual sex experiences pale enormously by comparison to the relationship I now share with my husband, I have no doubt that they’ve benefited us. They allowed me to learn more about my body, sexuality, and desires and have made me even more grateful for our pairing. I have not a shred of regret for the path here.
Also, research shows that women tend to be just as interested in casual sex as men, yet more prone to shame afterwards. This isn’t surprising, given the societal pressure on women to be sexual, but not “too sexual,” and the myth that having casual sex makes a woman a “slut.” These notions hurt men, too—your own discomfort with your girlfriend’s history being a strong example. Don’t shun yourself for feeling as you do. It’s not your fault these harmful myths exist, but you can choose to grow past them. Let your feelings serve as a catalyst for positive change.
When we feel uncomfortable with a partner’s past, it’s important to look deeper—not into their history, but within ourselves.
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When we feel uncomfortable with a partner’s past, it’s important to look deeper—not into their history, but within ourselves. Are you upset by the idea of her being with other guys? Were you taught that women aren’t as sexual or desiring of sex as men are growing up? Are there other issues in your relationship that this newfound knowledge has brought light to? Only you can know the answers.
Last week on my podcast, Dr. Megan Fleming shared terrific insight for a woman who’s struggling to feel as though she’s enough for her boyfriend, who happens to be bisexual. “It’s the idea of ‘other,’” she said, “that can feel threatening to us in relationships.” She went on to say that frank conversations, openly communicating what one feels threatened by, and determining how both partners can feel secure in a relationship, are the keys to moving forward.
I really think this relates to your conundrum. The more we communicate our concerns, desires, and needs, practicing honesty with ourselves and our partners, the better our chances of creating relationships of our dreams. The fact that you shared honestly with me suggests you’re on a stellar path.
Cheering for you,
August
Photo—dollen/Flickr
I’m going to point out something most people are over looking here. Men have high levels of testosterone and this alone drive about 90% of there many sexual encounters. I’m not apologizing for men’s sexual behavior’s here just pointing out the facts. Any women that wants to debate this just look on Craigslist for men looking to hook up as opposed to women. Also look up Backpage and the escort section. How many women are selling sex as opposed to men? Men want and need sex more, hence the huge sex industry. Men are driven by a primal physical nature… Read more »
When I post comments on TGMP it is from a gay man’s perspective (more or less, even if I consider myself sexually fluid in orientation). Both men and women are sexual beings and the limitations on sexual frequency are culturally constructed…where double standards do apply, patriarchal society frowns upon women’s higher quantity than that over men’s numbers. For a gay man to be in dismay over his partner’s past sexual proclivity or promiscuity would typically indicate an insecurity about his own level of experience in satisfying his man who has a longer and deeper sexual resume. The notion of whether… Read more »
Talks about a partner’s sexual past never lead to anything positive. I’m a man. We’ll never be comfortable with the idea of our woman with another man. There is nothing to psychoanalyze about this. It’s a primal thing. It’s being a man, the nature of the beast. Now you know. My advice, don’t ever think about it anymore, don’t ask any more questions. Let it go. You are who you are, she is who she is. Live now man, and be thankful you have a woman by your side.
People–I was lying naked next to my lover of five months after having had fabulous sex one afternoon when I asked her to tell me about her former lovers. Two and a half hours later I stopped her after lover 68 (I had been counting) and she still had two years to go before our first date! I was very insecure and wrestled with this, and we talked about it as advised by Erin. Statistically, there had to have been at least one of her former lovers who bested me in everyone of my attributes I was so physically proud… Read more »
Erin
Your answer to Flyingkal today is good ,it is good to bring men’s use of porn into this case.
Thanks Silke. I wrote a comment defending and supporting you in that article written by Arianna but it was taken out. I just want you to know that I don’t think she treated you fairly.
Hi Erin
Thank you , all of you.
It warmed my heart 🙂
Not sure if this woman’s comments are all that helpful, harmful in fact.
My first advice would be……make sure you are not dating a sociopath…..do this by researching the condition.
If you find that her personality / character does match that of a sociopath, then leave and find another girlfriend.
If she is not a sociopath, then stick around and talk with her .
What do sociopaths have to do with anything?He described his girlfriend as, “… my sweet, thoughtful girlfriend..” Sociopaths are not thoughtful and sweet.
The ideal woman is one who’s had enough sex to be comfortable with it and understanding of her body and how to orgasm BUT little enough such that it was all ho-hum; that background sets up her next partner to be a sexual superhero.
Jamie – your view is extremely controlling and unrealistic toward female sexuality. It’s also really morbidly selfish that you would want any woman to only have ‘ho-hum’ sex until she meets a specific partner that you believe deserves to feel like a ‘sexual superhero’ for no other reason then just being him. Unbelievable. UNless I am somehow misunderstanding you, please correct me if I’m wrong.
@ Jaime,
This is a terrible thing to say…..ho-hum? I mean why would you want her to only experience ho hum sex. Have you considered that this might turn her off to sex?
Also, what makes you so sure her next partner will be a super hero? He might turn out to be a dud too!
LS and Jules comments make more sense than the article.
The advice made no sense to me. Chances are that perplexed is suffering from retroactive jealousy, or may well be on the road to it. As someone dealing with this for 15 months, I would advice him to read up on this. While people might have stereotypes and biases, a strong hatred to your partners past gets worse the more you get attached to them. So please look into that. Also, considering the culture we now live in, I want to let everyone know that there are repercussions for your actions. Not religious not social stigma, but just the fact… Read more »
Elizabeth
Retroactive jealousy.
I never had feelings like that.
All my worries are about the future, and I ask myself “can I put my trust in this man?”
It is like a jealousy or fear for what can happen in the future ,and no jealously about the past.
“But I learned that as long as I was being safe and honest, I could really benefit from sex without strong emotional attachment. It turned out to be one of the most empowering time periods of my life.” How so? Just what is so “empowering” about it? You say it benefited “us”. Yet you only mentioned how it benefited YOU. I think Mr. Perplexed does have a cause for concern. Men and women alike seem to be under this grand illusion that you can go out here and have all this casual sex and it have no bearing on marriage… Read more »
Hey, I’ve been reading your comments. They are bang on!!! keep talking man!
P.S. – ”It benefited us” is nothing but sugar coating.
It benefits you both when you have learned different ways to satisfy a man. You begin to understand more about the male body. It’s quite simple. I have used my experience to rock my husband’s world. I’m not ashamed of my body and that’s something I worked through with past partners. My husband loves this confidence.
@ Jay,
Yes, all it takes is lots of practice. Practice does make perfect.
Have you ever thought that you can practice a lot with maybe 3-5 men? Why does it have to be 20-30 before you even turn 30? I do not mean you personally. Just an example of what seems to be the norm these days.
Yes, it is quite simple, indeed. Too simple.
Btw, was your husband is a low partner guy? If so, why did you not choose to marry someone with a similar sexual past? Then you guys could rock each other’s world.
@ Ian, Thanks!!! I am very passionate about some things…..Too many men live in fear of speaking out about how they feel. I am but one voice but I feel I do speak for many men. My goal is to be honest and open. Too many ordinary men live in fear in this country. Men who have wives, girlfriends, and families whom they love dearly. Just ordinary men who would die for their wives, children, families. They cannot speak or say how they feel out of fear of being labeled a misogynist, a racist, homophobic, or whatever. They have been… Read more »
“How does one have sex with 20-30 different people and then think they are going to be content with just one? Please explain that to us. I really want to know. Really.” I think that’s a fair point. But I also think that some people are able to ‘get things out of their system’ and not desire those things again while like you said, other people will not be content no matter how many experiences they have. This is actually my concern with pornography. When you are able to find your specific taste and look at literally millions of girls… Read more »
Erin, Question is, what is it that they are getting out of their system? For some, it might be a desire for intense and varying dating experiences. But for others, it might be the desire for a varying and regular sexlife. It seems to me that there’s quite a lot of people actually connecting the “exploring” of their sexuality with diversified dating and hookups, and when they get into a somewhat stable relationship they feel they “don’t have to do that anymore”. Often to the chagrin of their partner. And note that I’m talking about both men and women here.… Read more »
@ FlyingKal,
“But I am convinced that what most men, the vast majority, desire is to have a regular, frequent, and mutually satisfying lovelife with the partner they love.”
YESSSS!!!! Beautifully said.
FlyingKal – What are they getting out of their system? Curiosity? Exploration? Experience? Those are my guesses. Of course, I do think people use sex to fill holes they feel they have inside and they use sex to mask other emotions. I would agree that most men do want a regular, frequent and mutually satisfying lovelife with the partner they love. But I think men also want it both ways as they also want to indulge in variety, escapism and experience a male-dominant world where women are little more then tools to his sexual pleasure through porn. This man is… Read more »
Hi Erin,
So basically, you think this man is a hypocrite, based on your own presumptions about what most men “really” want.
I don’t agree with you about what men “also” want, and I think it’s quite a strawman you’ve built yourself there.
“This man is upset about sexual experiences she had before him.”
Maybe. But it might also be the way he found out about it, already being in a relationship, that caught him offguard and made him reassess the whole situation?
I guess I do think that this man *might* be a hypocrite. But not in some kind of malicious way. Just in a way that lacks self-awareness. I think that men tend to set different ‘rules’ around women’s sexuality then they set for themselves and for other men, FlyingKal. Possibly not *you* personally. And not Jules either. But to ignore that men don’t infact do this wouldn’t be fair. I don’t think my argument is ‘strawman’ at all. I think a lot of men do want it both ways. They want the loving partner that’s there to fulfill one set… Read more »
@ Erin, “So I find it kind of hypocritical that a guy would get bent out of shape about a woman’s real life experiences before him when most men use porn non-stop through-out the relationships they are having at any present moment.” Erin, we do not know this to be true of this guy. Plus what does how he feels have to do with “most men use porn non-stop through-out the relationships they are having at any present moment”? We simply don’t know about his porn use.. Hypocrisy is hypocrisy. If a man has “been around the block”, he is… Read more »
Yes, you’re of course right. We don’t know if he uses porn. Chances are he does though. I guess I brought other men into the conversation because in general, a lot of men seem to struggle with the fact that their girlfriends where with men before them.
Jules You ask if a person that had sex with 20-30 people can be content and satisfied with only one. Let me first say that I fully understand that you are highly motivated to not end up in a new committed romantic relationship that turns out to be sexless. Of course you do not want that to happen again. But is a head count the best way to separate among all the good candidates? What makes you so certain persons that hook up, have causal sex are the ones with fantastic experience with sex? The fact is that women do… Read more »
Hi Silke!!!! Looks like I am catching you LIVE! “What makes you so certain persons that hook up, have causal sex are the ones with fantastic experience with sex?” I never said that Silke. Where did I say that? My view is that it is based on practice so to speak. You can practice a lot with 5 people. You don’t need to do it with 20+. “The fact is that women do not have that much sexual pleasure out of casual sex. And if you take a look at the reviews of studies of hook up culture then you… Read more »
Jules you made me smile,
” you can practice a lot with 5 people you do not need to do it with 20″.
I think we can agree on that 🙂 if practice was what motivated them,
But it is not always so.
” how else would explain a woman having sex with a man whom they would not even consider dating”.
Well Jules, that sounds like these women behave like some men that use prostitutes.
Human beings and our behavior sexually can surprise and be hard to understand,
@ Silke,
Glad I was able to make you smile..
Yes, that was my point. That kind of behavior is very much like male sexual behavior as we know it.
Jules Maybe I do not express this well , it is complicated, I think that when you focus on the number of sex partners a woman have had , then it does tell something about her, and the culture she lived in while it happened. But it does not tell you anything about the quality , intensity or beauty of her sexual experiences. It does however tell you that she probably did not have long term relationships , and that can be a negative thing if long term romantic relationships was what she wanted most of all and she was… Read more »
@ Silke, “But it does not tell you anything about the quality , intensity or beauty of her sexual experiences.” I agree…I have had quite a lot open conversations about sex with women Most of them told me that most men are poor lovers…Interesting. I cannot argue with them. I have to take their word for it. Honestly, I am inclined to believe them. I once read (cannot remember where) that the average length of time for sex in America, with intercourse, was around 7 minutes. The amount of time needed for the typical woman to attain orgasm was between… Read more »
Jules
I can not give an answer about what women feel when they hook up, because I do not know.
Shows you where my head is at … Nice 1958 Plymouth. … looks like it’s in pretty good condition
Tom,
I am more focused on that lovely woman sitting atop that 1958 Plymouth. What a beautiful dress.
Before presuming to tell this man what’s wrong with him and how he should think, maybe you should have asked him about HIS history. Maybe he is one of the many men who haven’t had a lot of partners and have legitimate reservations about “loose” behavior in both women AND men. It is very arrogant for you to tell him that his “notions” “hurt” him or anyone else. His beliefs and values aren’t illegitimate just because you don’t happen to share them. It seems that many people of both sexes find a partner with an excessive history disturbing, and I… Read more »
Lets be honest. In most cases, men do not have reservations about ‘loose’ behavior in men or themselves. I don’t think this is the case with *you* specifically. But in general, most men are okay with men getting away with having large sexual appetites in ways they aren’t okay with women having the same. Alot of men encourage other men to use women for sex even and use it as a means to bond with one another. Again, I am not suggesting that is you. It is these reasons that allows men to separate women into two groups of “loose… Read more »
@Erin, “But in general, most men are okay with men getting away with having large sexual appetites in ways they aren’t okay with women having the same.” True. No argument here. “Alot of men encourage other men to use women for sex even and use it as a means to bond with one another.” It’s a few Erin. Not nearly as many as you or other women think. If men had as many sexual partners as you and other women think, then there would be no prostitutes, escorts, sex workers etc. The fact that sex trade is as huge as… Read more »
Jules, it’s not that I think that men have tons of sexual partners. I think that men encourage other men to use women and use women to bond with each other. The two are not mutually exclusive. I agree that he is allowed to choose what kind of relationship he wants or what he does or doesn’t like about his partner while in a relationship. If he can’t come to terms with the information he learned about her, then yes, he needs to move on and allow her to find someone that is okay with her. They both deserve to… Read more »
Hi LS
What would you see as an excessive history?
What would most of see as excessive ?