My Wife Wants to Have a Threesome

A husband wonders how a threesome with his wife’s closest friend will affect his marriage, and what it means that his wife brought it up in the first place.

Dear Sexes: My wife has bought up the idea of having her single girlfriend—who has been her closest friend for 20 years—join us in the bedroom. I’m a bit hesitant as I am not sure what her motives are. Her girlfriend is very sexy and I like her a lot—I just think it brings up too many issues that will be hard to work out. Can 3 people just have great sex and not let it overtake the relationship?

♦◊♦

She Said: As fun as threesomes sound (and sometimes are), you need to ask yourself some important questions first, such as: Will I be okay with the image of another person touching or kissing my wife? How about making her orgasm? Will my wife be okay with the same images of me? Will I be cool with my wife hanging out with her best friend alone, without me, in the future, as she has always done?

Most importantly, ask yourself (and her) if she is doing this just to please YOU. This could easily lead you guys down the road to resentment, where she wakes at 2:00 a.m. thinking of her best friend on her knees in front of the guy she loves.

If you talk this through in earnest and you decide to go forward with it, I want to offer some specific guidelines. These are sort of the tried-and-true secret rules of bringing someone into your monogamous bed. First, establish with this woman that your wife is your priority, her pleasure and comfort come first. The friend is there to serve you both sexually. Your thoughts and attention need to be on what will give your wife the most pleasure, and your wife should be thinking the same about you. Ask your wife (before you start) what things would give her the most pleasure. Ask her what things she doesn’t want to do. Tell her your ideas and restrictions.

Second, never leave your wife out of any activity. Your hands or mouth should be on her no matter what is happening with the other girl. You should be connecting with your wife, emotionally, even if the other girl is the one making you (or her) come.

I know it seems like threesomes should be spontaneous and not too thought-out, but when we’re talking about a marriage, we’re talking about a lifetime. All three of you have to be able to respect one another until you’re 100 years old. The only way to be sure one person doesn’t feel used is to be really clear, up front. If your wife doesn’t want to discuss these things, then your relationship is probably not in a place that can handle a wrench of this magnitude thrown into the works.

One last thought. You may want to explore with your wife her feelings of attraction toward women; is it a specific woman, her best friend, or the idea of lesbian sex? She may be defensive, but if you approach her with love and are very clear about the fact that you just want to help her get all of her sexual needs met, she’ll probably be more open. I know it is contrary to what our society thinks, but just because a woman fantasizes about lesbian sex doesn’t necessarily make her a lesbian, and it certainly doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or desire you.

She may admit that she’s aroused more abstractly by the idea of a girl going down on her, than on actually having that happen. If that’s the case, try watching some high-quality girl-on-girl pornography and see where that leads you, together. Try Erika Lust’s films, which are pornography made for women, by women, where women are the subjects and not the objects. She may like to watch the screen while you give her oral and that may satisfy her curiosity. Remember, this is a marriage and you both need to put that commitment first. Secrets, whether about sex or money or anything else, are toxic to commitment.

♦◊♦

He Said: A threesome?! Gimme a high-five! This is every guy’s fantasy. That is, of course, if you believe guy-talk. Unfortunately, you can’t put much stock in that sort of stuff. When straight guys talk about sex to other straight guys, seventy percent of their conversation is made up of lies. So … you shouldn’t feel pressured by the false pretense that every guy is supposed to live for orgies. And you also shouldn’t feel pressured by your wife. Some guys just don’t like sharing. And most guys are notoriously poor multi-taskers, so good luck with that!

If you decide to proceed with this thing, because YOU want to, then go for it! Just know that you’re entering dangerous territory. While it’s possible the three of you could have the best night of your life, it’s also possible, one, two, or three of you could be unhappy with the way the interaction plays out.

I know planning might ruin the moment, but I would suggest each of you make a list of expectations for the event, and read them to each other, making sure you’re on the same page before proceeding. If you’re reading from totally different books, I suggest having a stranger be the third person to join the party, instead of your wife’s best friend. The sexy friend might be hot and nice and comfortable, but she may also complicate things more, because you all know each other so well. Regardless of your path of choice here—protect yourself!

If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.

Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.

—Photo Christine Rondeau/Flickr

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. I agree with this, especially Josie. It is highly likely that your wife is somewhat “testing” you to see if this is something *you* really dream about, because of all the folklore about how all guys want threesomes. I think that no matter what happens, it would be great for your marriage if you tell your wife the apparent truth: that this makes you uncomfortable and that she is quite “enough” to fulfill you sexually. Possibly your wife is afraid that you’re attracted to her friend and is trying to gauge your reaction.

    To actually follow through on this would certainly have an effect on the relationship between all 3 of you and no one should be in denial about that. If you tell her what I’ve said above and she is still really pushing the idea, then maybe she really does want it, but a LOT of conversation needs to happen (as Josie said) regarding what everyone really wants out of it and what the boundaries are.

    I’d bet money though that this is more about making YOU happy and/or trying to gauge how happy you are with your sex life. I would take this as an opportunity to strengthen your marriage (not saying it’s in trouble or anything, but we all need periodic reassurance that we are loved and are capable of truly fulfilling our mates).

  2. There’s so much wrong with the response to this question that I hardly know where to start, so I’ll just focus on a couple of things. First, “is she doing this to please just YOU?” Well, I suspect that the fact that *she* suggested it indicates that *she* thinks it would be fun for *her* as well as for the bloke. Here’s the thing: sex isn’t about guys; women enjoy it and can initiate it too.

    Second, the third party should absolutely not be thought of as there “to serve you sexually”. While the couple should absolutely make sure they’re comfortable with the idea, and should set their boundaries and expectations clearly before any clothes are removed, it is utterly disrespectful, bordering on abusive, to suggest that the third party is somehow there as a servant. A threesome is a complex dynamic and everyone taking part must be absolutely equal and respected.

    What is really important is that everyone is clear and explicit about their comfort zones and their boundaries – all that should be negotiated in advance. It is a huge counterintuitive leap to see your partner having sex with someone else. If everyone feels safe and cared for, it can be fantastic.

    • 100% agree with everything you wrote Daphne.

      • In fact, let me elaborate further. I was at one point approached by one of my best friends and her husband about engaging in a threesome with them. I’m bisexual, so that wasnt completely out of the question. (We ended up not doing it due to a fairly awkward web of jealousy we all found ourselves in because of people whose business it never should have been in the first place… but nevemind.)

        the point is, if the idea that I was there only to “service them sexually” had ever been broached, the discussion would have ended precisely there. (at least, if that had been worded the way Joanna did above. I’m not against roleplaying as a sexual playtoy… but thats something else entirely)
        The third person isn’t a vibrator, for god’s sake. In fact I’m seriously hoping Joanna just had a bout of poor word choice or something because… seriously, so wrong.

    • Unicorns are people too.

    • John Anderson says:

      I agree with you on all points, but I also thought that she might be testing him to see if he’s attracted to her friend, which I think he is. So I would add that he needs to make sure that if he does this he’s makes it clear to her that he’s doing it because she wants it and he wants to satisfy her fantasy.

  3. steve jaeger says:

    Threesomes are almost every guy’s fantasy but unless you are incredibly open minded, having one with your spouse is bound to get weird either during or more likely after the action.

  4. Henry Vandenburgh says:

    I’ve experienced this very thing (30 years ago.) It opened the door to a lot of unpleasantness because it licensed both of us to “freelance.” Took a while to put that marriage back together. And it was her idea. Good fantasies, after. But ultimately not worth it.

    We divorced later, but this wasn’t the issue then.

    I agree with Steve.

  5. Your wife wanting a threesome is completely natural. In fact you should applaud yourself. Find out why at She Wants a 3-Some. Check it out.

  6. While agree it can be dangerous territory if not handled properly, it is possible to have threesomes without negative side effects. I am 37 years old and happily married for 6 years now. My wife and I have had about 6 threesomes and a foursome in the last year and a half. Some were friends (which still are friends) and some were randoms. My wife agreed to this with me the first time and she has been wanting it just as much as me since. We love each other very much and we both look at this situation as having fun and that’s where it has ended every time. We laugh about it the next day and share our expierences with our friends. We still have an extremely active and excellent sex life alone and and I believe in a weird way that our relationship has become stronger because of this. We hide nothing. Not even our most deepest secrets or fantasies. My wife understands me as a man, and understands that men by no fault of their own seem to want what they can’t have. Many men can’t fight the urge and are forced into a position where they feel the need to lie about their thoughts. I don’t have that. I know some may want to ask how I would feel about my wife with another man. The truth is that I have offered to her many occasions and she says she is not interested. She said it does nothing for her. How would I feel? I can’t be positive because it hadn’t happened yet. But my goal is to make her happy in life no matter what. I am a team player as is she. I am truely blessed to have found this woman and I think she feels the same way about me.

  7. Well maybe someone can help me out-I know I am a rarity. I’m almost 40 been married 12 years and recently accepted I am a bi-sexual male. I had a few encounters prior to meeting my wife, but none after. Last year just out of the blue we began having anal sex and she really enjoys it. This triggered memories and now I want a guy again. I want to ask my wife to join me and another man in bed. I would be totally comfortable him having sex with her. I think I would be comfortable performing oral on him in front of her (my primary joy with men). Has anyone gone through this? How did you handle? I don’t know if I should tell her or let it go. She isn’t homophobic at all but this to me just seems out there.

    • As a fellow bi, I wish I had some advice for you (as I said above, I ended up not going through with that threesome, and at any rate, I’m not married.) but I totally sympathize.
      I’m going to assume your wife knows your orientation right? If not, that might be step #1

  8. Birdie-El says:

    “The friend is there to serve you both sexually.”

    Hmm. No, I don’t like that idea. When single, I had threesomes with a married couple, and the wife treated me that way. It made me feel like a human dildo instead of a person.

    My husband and I also had threesomes with a single woman a couple years ago, and made sure that she also enjoyed herself. We were there to serve her sexually as much as she was to serve us. Threesomes shouldn’t be so one-sided toward the couple, because when you bring another woman into your marriage, she’s still a person. Treat her that way.

  9. wet_suit_one says:

    Hmmm….

    Seems that women get the short end of the stick here. A guy can just shell out $500 or $600 and fantasy is fulfilled. Women, well, I’m not too too familiar with that end of the market, but it’s a bit more difficult to get 2 males to do the deed.

    Or am I wrong? Just go to the bar and say “Who will f**k me with their friend?” Would that work?

    On second thought, ignore my first paragraph. Women got this one in hand, hands down. It’s the stepping out of the zone of comfort that a woman has problems with, not finding willing participants. Men, not so much.

    • The myth you are referencing annoys me.

      Imagine for a moment that all of your sexual partners could easily beat you up. Then realise that there is a lot of violence against women. Now try and imagine the level of trust that most healthy women require before they are willing to put themselves in a vulnerable sexual situation with you.

      Secondly plenty of women are willing to do all kinds of interesting things in bed. My first threesome was in college, three of my female friends were in my room drinking with me, I suggested that we all had sex, two of them said yes, one said no. Then we had a threesome, with the other one watching. Fortunately one of the women was slightly older than me (23), and she set the pace, and taught all of us about enthusiastic consent, and creating a low pressure sexual environment. All you have to do is ask nicely.

      • “Imagine for a moment that all of your sexual partners could easily beat you up. Then realise that there is a lot of violence against women. Now try and imagine the level of trust that most healthy women require before they are willing to put themselves in a vulnerable sexual situation with you.”

        So basically similar risk as men, but with more knowledge of that risk?

  10. The Wet One says:

    What myth exactly?

    The myth that’s it’s waaaay easier for a woman to get a guy to have sex with her (that’s a myth? Really? Since when?)?

    I’m pretty sure that a woman would have a far easier time getting 2 guys to do the deed with her than the reverse without the liberal application of cash.

    Or are you saying it’s a myth that women aren’t interested in threesomes?

    Could you clarify?

    Thanks!

    • It’s easy for women to find a man to have sex with, but not always so easy to find a man you want to have sex with. :-)

      • The situation Mike is talking about isn’t that uncommon. I’ve seen a lot of similar ones in college, where a night of drinking ended up in a threesome or a foursome or some form of group sex situation (even if it was just two couples having sex in the same room). Also, maybe it’s because I went to a college with a higher girl-to-guy ratio, but most of my male friends had little trouble getting laid if they actually left their dorms/apartments and had some sort of game. Girls were on the prowl all the time.

        I got asked to do a threesome in college by a guy with whom I’d ‘hooked up’ in the past and his girlfriend. When he first asked, I said no–I was afraid it was ‘trashy’. But he was gently persuasive. He knew I was curious and explained to me that it was a fantasy of his that he’d had for a long time and that he wasn’t trying to disrespect me. I thought about it. I’d already had sex with him, I’m not emotionally invested or in love with him (so jealousy wouldn’t be an issue), the girl is attractive, I’m not going to have too many opportunities for this kind of thing outside of college–so why not? There was a LOT of pressure from my friends to not go through with it–one (male) friend even said that he would never talk to me again if I did and another (male also) told me I was being used. It turned out to be pretty cool. We used toys, experimented, came, all fell asleep together afterwards. I do prefer one-on-one, but it can be a fun (very occasional) experience. After one of the nights, though, the girlfriend had a bit of a meltdown due to the situation. This is why I would advise not to do this kind of thing with good friends, but rather on the ‘random’ side–people you don’t see too often, people you find on the internet, old friends, etc (just make sure you’re all tested). If the girl had been my friend, it could have really messed with our friendship. If I were on the other side of it, I don’t know that I would be able to step back and not worry about my man making some kind of connection with her in the real world. To be honest, I wanted to be respected as a person–but I also wanted to be treated as more of a ‘prop’, especially at first. I wasn’t there to make an emotional connection with one of them, I didn’t want to go out and have breakfast with them the next morning, cause trouble in the relationship, or even see them at a dinner party later on. A lot of times, a threesome really IS more about the couple and the third is there for the experience and the ride. That doesn’t mean that the third should be disrespected or used or it be assumed that she consents to everything–but that she should understand it can be a odd situation for a couple new to that kind of thing.

        • John Anderson says:

          That reminds me of the weekend I spent in the dorm of a women’s college for a high school retreat. I guess the lack of men does something. The women were extremely receptive and didn’t seem to care that we were a few to several years younger than they. It was technically statutory rape so I want to make sure no one thinks I’m advocating it, but I had a blast and don’t feel traumatized by the college women at all. I was a little traumatized by the actions of my female classmates though.

  11. “When straight guys talk about sex to other straight guys, seventy percent of their conversation is made up of lies”

    Uh.. No one told me… I grew up thinking this talk was gospel.

    To the LW,

    Don’t do it bro. First its this and then she’s gonna wanna get gangbanged by midgets shit and the whole time she’ll be like “oh so it was ok for you but now its not for me?!”

    It’s a slippery slope homeslice.

  12. Gush…hm, my first reaction is that she is totally sexually attracted to this friend of hers and doesn’t know how to have sex with her. Or that she is trying to test you. Either way, just tell her the truth and try not to be influenced by what other people think you should do: guys telling you this “should” be your greatest fantasy or women telling you I don’t know what else. If you can’t stand the idea that she might really be hot for her friend or that her friend will make her feel good, you should tell her that. You should also take into consideration the fact that if this is related to some possible attraction towards her friend, it may end up bad for you. If they’ve known each other for so many years and if they are close, this may make their relationship closer. She may even fall in love with her or feel better with her than with you and neglect you during the threesome. You should also keep in mind that she may leave you for her in the end because they will have a chance to see eah other on many occasions after the sex has been consumed and usually once you’ve had sex with someone, some kind of connection appears.

    Either way, it seems strange that she would propose a threesome with someone she already knows. I mean, people usually propose a threesome but do not specify a particular partener.

    There is something I don’t understand though, and this is a general question, it is is linked to your case specifically. I’ve seen many people in short -term relationships wanting to do a threesome. I mean if your bored of sex when your in your 20s or when only 2 years have passed since you’ve been together, what will you do when your 40 or when 10 or 20 years of marriage have gone by?

  13. *it isn’t linked

  14. wellokaythen says:

    Just what I need, to disappoint two women instead of just one. I prefer to disappoint my sex partners one at a time, for a few years at a time. What, is this a race or something?

  15. hi

  16. Its weird, i would welcome more the idea of my girlfriend bring a guy than she is bringing a girl in a threesome. I never like threesome ( even in porn ) with FFM situation, even though I’m straight guy. I saw threesome with two girls and one guy is more like two girls having sex and one guy ( who the girls are not really into him ) watching. Even if hes got to f*ck two hot girls, the two hot girls often are not into the guy. They got off from each other, not from the guy. Its not sex situation I want to be in, because sex is so personal for me, I only want to have sex with girl who are into me.

    Its different when I had a threesome with my girlfriend and another guy ( random hot guy, not our friends ), although my gf can get off from him, she clearly more into me than the guy. Weirdly, the guy ( who is bi ) also clearly more into me than my girlfriend lol. Its a win win situation for me. And its the only threesome I had ever been.

    But there is a porn I watched, where two girls have sex with one hot guy, and the girls are into the guy so much ( who is a cute and hot, not like typical male porn stars ), they not even bothered with each other. I admit it is so hot, far hotter than threesome with a guy. But I always under the impression with FFM situation that the two girls are lesbian, or bi but more into girls. I don’t know why I think like that, so I never want to be in FFM threesome.

  17. Josie’s “advice” is so unbelievably bad it defies belief. Did you seriously advocate that this couple should make sure to treat the person they invited into their bedroom as an object only present for the sexual gratification of the female half of the primary couple? Because that’s what you said.

  18. True story. My wife wanted a threesome with her best friend as they were very old and close friends. That threesome lasted 35 years with no problems at all. We all loved each other and the g/f satisfied my wife’s and my sexual preferences. We are now married for 41 years and we feel it is due to our threesome.

  19. My wife has had girlfriends for years!
    The reason being is that my wife and I live together only, we really share our house. Early in our marriage I could no longer have sex with my wife so we talked it over I didn’t want to leave her and neither did she want to leave me. I told her if she would like a sex life find yourself a friend and she finally chose another woman. I met her and accept our situation, in fact I really enjoy my wifes friend and happy for both of them.

  20. Good article especially the part about establishing the priority of the women. I will not go into detail but we ended up in a 30 year threesome with my wife’s best friend. Our g/f knew that she was wife number two and always made sure that she got my wife’s OK before doing anything new. My wife never got jealous and even encouraged her g/f and me to spend alone time together. We had no sexual limits but any two of us fulfilled the other’s sexual needs.

    At the beginning I had to make sure each got equal time, felt equally desirable and pretty. If we went clubbing I bought both of them new sexy dresses and shoes. I know guys dream of this but an ongoing threesome requires work to keep it together. Each of us had our own bedrooms. No worries about who was spending the whole night with who. You would think that problems would pop up but none ever did. We all knew our role and were happy in it.

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