Jordan Gray says that there’s no shame in getting over your emotional pain slowly.
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It was seven years ago today that I drove the greatest love of my life home for the last time.
Following a string of unfulfilling relationships, I had finally entered into a relationship that I was ecstatic about. She was everything that I had ever wanted and more. Which made it all the more painful when she broke up with me in a way that emotionally devastated me.
All of the things that I had slowly grown to love about myself through 20 years of living were now being listed off as all of the traits that she found repulsive.
Your sensitivity? “Disgusting.” Thoughtfulness? “Get a backbone.” Kind heartedness? “Sometimes I think you might be gay.”
My mind and heart went into shock as I received the barrage of character attacks that would deeply affect me for years.
And in that moment, I thought something to myself that would hold me back from having an emotional attachment to any other person for the following several years… “I will never let anyone have this kind of power over me ever again.”
How Shame Held Me Back From Loving
My girlfriend and I dated for just over a year. Which was long enough for me to deeply open up my heart and my life to her. When she told me that she found integral parts of my personality to be repulsive, I recoiled as hard as anyone could. I shut off emotionally from women. I shut off to my closest friends. And I shut off to feeling my emotions in any context. In a destructive act of self-preservation, I closed my heart off to the world.
Being told that I, at my core, was unworthy of being loved was the catalyst for some of the deepest pain, and greatest growth that I had ever imagined for myself.
In the relationships I engaged with after the break up, I dated women who I knew wouldn’t make me feel anything. I was a heat seeking missile for emotionally closed off women who wouldn’t encourage me to feel my emotions. I was an emotionally cold person, attracting equally cold partners.
I feared letting people see me, and as soon as anyone would even hint that they were trying to get me to feel something, I would distance myself from them.
At my very core I felt unworthy as a potential romantic partner. I felt flawed. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. So (my mind told me) if anyone wanted emotional intimacy with me, I might as well sabotage the relationship as quickly as possible so as to not poison their lives.
How I Started To Work Through My Shame
When I first started talking to my friends about what had happened, their well-intentioned advice fell a bit flat.
“You’re a great guy! She was probably just intimidated by you and that was the only way she could think to get out.”
“Who cares if you’re a bit sensitive? I know tons of women who would love that trait in a guy!”
“You just need to find the right girl for you and then jump in with both feet.”
And while the idea of jumping in with both feet was a sexy concept, it was something that felt entirely impossible. Because what my friends might as well have said was “Hey, you know those emotions you’ve been terrified to even feel 1% of? You should just feel 100% of them all at once! It’ll be good for you!”
The Two Ways To Work Through Any Emotional Trauma
When PTSD sufferers are working through gaining control of their fear, they either confront all of their trauma stressors/memories all at once and work through their emotions (known as ‘flooding’, and is relatively more rare in practice) or they are exposed to small, and slowly increasing amounts of the stimulus that reminds them of the trauma (systematic desensitization) while becoming comfortable with the partial stressor at each stage. Think of the two methods like diving into the deep end and learning to swim, versus slowly walking into a pool that gradually gets deeper the further you walk into it.
At this point in my life, laying my head on a woman’s chest in a nurturing position made my heart pound. I resented my friends asking if I was okay. Being asked a personal question would make me want to not see my girlfriend for several days in order to put distance between us.
This wasn’t a mild case. Systematic desensitization was my only hope.
What I Learned Through Working Through Shame
As much as we want the silver bullet, one-size-fits-all solution, life almost never works like that.
For me, learning to love after shame wasn’t a ‘throw caution to the wind’ kind of scenario, but a slow, moment to moment process of learning to breathe into the anxiety of loving and being loved.
I surrounded myself with loving and supportive friends and intimate partners, and I prioritized time around people who encouraged the full spectrum of who I was.
Learning to love myself – every last bit of myself – while also allowing others to do the same was one of the greatest challenges that I ever faced. But in my opinion, nothing has ever been more important in my life’s journey.
If I had to boil my journey down to three simple takeaways, it would be these:
1. You have to love yourself first
A bird sitting on a tree branch isn’t in an anxious state because it knows that, even if the tree branch breaks underneath it, it will still be able to fly.
If you love yourself, and are deeply proud of the person that you are, then someone else’s words will only have a temporary effect on your self-esteem at the most.
2. You’re going to get hurt, embrace it
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” – Bob Marley
The loss of the people you love is inevitable. At some point in your life, every relationship you have is going to end. But that’s the beautiful thing about human interaction and emotional intimacy. You can either resent the temporary nature of the world, or you can embrace the full spectrum of the emotions that you are fortunate enough to be able to feel and cherish everyone in your life as they are today.
3. Working through shame doesn’t have to be a heroic act, it can be a whisper in the dark
All of the strides that I have made in dealing with my feelings of shame and low self-worth have been in the form of little baby steps.
It wasn’t a heroic declaration of defiance. It wasn’t a single-moment shrugging off of my weighty shackles. It was a collection of tiny moments of bravery where I chose to do the tougher thing. I decided to go on the date when I wanted to stay home… or tell my partner what I was thinking even if it meant she would have something to judge or reject.
While some people may be able to learn to stand in their power and shrug off shame for good in one fell swoop, it takes most people countless instances of courage to overcome their fears.
There’s no shame in taking it slowly. There’s no rush. And if you’re reading these words, then you’re likely already well on your way to emotional recovery and I commend you from the bottom of my heart.
It’s a tough journey, but it’s one that is well worth it.
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If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading:
How To Finally Get Over Your Ex (Even If It Feels Impossible)
7 Things All Women Need In A Relationship
10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship
Half A Dozen Hacks For A Thriving Sex Life
The One Thing To Remember When You’re Dealing With Any Person, Ever
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Photo courtesy of iStock
Jordan, Very well put. I recently broke up with someone who I think is in quite a similar place as your ex, I would guess. Throughout my life I’ve tried to be an emotionally open person, having the constant reminder in the back of my head that if I closed off emotionally, I might miss that wonderful opportunity with an equally open person. With this last relationship ending it’s been a difficult struggle, because as a reply above stated, my ex knew exactly how to say something to cause maximum damage; and boy did she. Never been so hurt as… Read more »
Ryan, thank you so much for your words. Truly, I appreciate every last bit of that.
I’m so happy to hear that my article resonated with you, and even happier to hear you taking such a mature and open hearted perspective on your recent break up. I hope that the gifts that you glean in the short or long term from this break up will somewhat resemble (in size and scope) the ones I have eventually found.
Best of luck in your journey brother. And thank you again for your comment.
Jordan, this could have been written for me. One of the most helpful, and kindest, things I have read in a long time. “Being told that I, at my core, was unworthy of being loved was the catalyst for some of the deepest pain, and greatest growth that I had ever imagined for myself… At my very core I felt unworthy as a potential romantic partner. I felt flawed. I felt like I wasn’t good enough.” That is it in a nutshell. The growth is starting to happen. I am deeply proud of who I am, of my sensitivity and… Read more »
Ben, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. And I’m glad my words hit home for you.
Emotional vulnerability IS a strength… and it will be an absolute gift for the person you were meant to be with. Thank you for your comments brother.
Jordan, this could have been written for me. One of the most helpful, and kindest, things I have read in a long time. “Being told that I, at my core, was unworthy of being loved was the catalyst for some of the deepest pain, and greatest growth that I had ever imagined for myself… At my very core I felt unworthy as a potential romantic partner. I felt flawed. I felt like I wasn’t good enough.” That is it in a nutshell. The growth is starting to happen. I am deeply proud of who I am, of my sensitivity and… Read more »
Thank-you Jordan. More I’d like to articulate, but that’s as much as I can muster up for now, and I think the most important part is: Thank-you.
Your girlfriend is just one of the many women who think they can use homophobia to shame men. She was engaging in f@g shaming! Don’t ever let any woman think she can have that power over you!
For the women that feel that being sensitive is unique to only females and should only be unique to females, stop shooting yourself in the foot.
Thanks – a good article indeed and timely for me personally. I have just experienced a terrible divorce and battling with these very emotions and similar experience of being told I am not good enough. It seems all the things I was loved and appreciated for are now the very things that drove her away – that and deceit, infidelity, alcohol and drug abuse. My world has been devastated and I am struggling to cope with the loss. Your article has provided some respite today and hope of recovery 🙂
Thank you for your vulnerability and courage Steve.
I learned that there is a huge difference between not being good enough for love, and not being the right person for someone. Just by existing, you are worthy of love and belonging. Just because you didn’t work out as a couple doesn’t mean that you can’t find even truer love in the future.
A mantra that I kept by my side through my journey was “I can’t wait to see the man I become on the other side of this.”
Best of luck in your process brother.
Can we date?
Love this so much. I am in the beginning, very shallow waters after devastation and this gives me hope. I get the same comments from well-meaning friends. I love the idea of slow desensitization, that helps me to breath a little deeper. Thanks!
My pleasure Laura. I’m so glad that my words resonated with you.
Best of luck with your baby steps. It’s a journey.
So sorry you had to experience that. Some people are just mean. And when women are mean, oftentimes our verbal skills and keen emotional intuition (compared to men, generally) can make us devastating — we know exactly what to say to cause maximum damage. Your girlfriend was probably a mean and self centered person at heart, but you didn’t realize it because she was so entrancing (especially if you were young). I had a similar experience with a narcissistic college boyfriend whose comments that I was “too fat” (I was a normal weight, but not super skinny) and “I prefer… Read more »
Hi Jen, I appreciate your words, and thank you for sharing your story with me. Your sentiments resonate deeply with me. My ex wasn’t a mean spirited person… she was just someone who was navigating her own emotional turmoil and chose to project her own suffering towards me. It was an immature decision but it happened nonetheless and I don’t hold it against her. I know that she is a well-meaning person who is trying to live her life as best as she can, moment to moment… and that’s where she was in her journey at that point in time.… Read more »
Thank you. Yes, been there. Perfectly stated.
Thank you DSF. I’m glad that my words resonated with you.