A woman is uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s level of sexual experience.
Dear Sexes: My boyfriend and I have been expressing an interest in more sexual variety (anal sex, toys, etc.). Since I don’t have a wealth of experience, I’ve been looking forward to trying out new things with him together. That is, until he recently revealed that he has actually already done most of what we discussed with other partners – and now I unexpectedly feel uncomfortable with our different levels of experience and us not going through the “newness” together. What can I do about this?
She Said: I guess my biggest concern is whether he was hiding his past or if you two just hadn’t discussed it… If he was hiding it, that is a problem that you guys have to get to the root of. Make sure you know why he was dishonest and be sure he’s living true to his word in other areas of your relationship.
But if he was honest and just hadn’t told you all the details, it’s less a problem with him, and more a problem you’ve got to deal with inside yourself. I can totally understand why this new knowledge (regardless of how it came out) is throwing you off. There’s a certain sweetness in trying new things together, like walking side-by-side into a new land. I get that…
But the truth is, it’s all new for both of you because you’re going into it together. Keep your eye on what the purpose of sex with your boyfriend is. Is it gaining closeness, giving one another pleasure, and learning about each other? If so, then it doesn’t matter what he’s done with whom. If you’re just going for “newness” then just dive a little deeper. Ben-wa balls, vibrators (on him too!), role play, light BDSM, exhibitionism, watching porn together… There are amazing new avenues for you both!
He Said: There’s gotta be SOMETHING he hasn’t done! Browse together at a sex-toy shop. I’m sure you’ll find something that neither of you has tried, and interests both of you. Then you can experiment and adventure together. The world of sex and sex toys is essentially limitless—you are really only bound by your imaginations or inhibitions. If your boyfriend really has done EVERYTHING, maybe you should ask him if he has any porn credits in his filmography. Or maybe it’s best if you don’t ask him.
Seriously though, don’t be discouraged. And try not to let your boyfriend’s past experiences ruin your fun now. You’re teammates (or sex-mates) so you’re on the same team, you’re not competing against each other. Remember, it’s pretty rare and unlikely that any two people would have the exact same sexual past (unless both people we’re only ever with their partner). While it sounds like there’s plenty for your boyfriend to teach you in the bedroom, I’m sure there’s things you can teach him too. Everyone has a different angle on sex, romance, and intimacy. And keep looking online, in stores, (or even in the fridge) – I’m sure you’ll find something you both want to try for the first time. Happy exploring!
Photo courtesy of kainr
oooooh pleeeaase!!!!! First of all he didnt need to give details. Second of all, in my experience, Women can care less about a man’s sexual history as long has he displays teh qualities that suggest he has one. One the other hand, men absoluely , positively, always have and always will care about a women’s sexual history. If he doesnt ask, no need to tell. But if you are considerng getting serious with a man and he is about to make a life changing decision to be your companion, absolutely he has the right to know. And herein lies the… Read more »
Nope. I had a great relationship with a girl who loved to talk about sex and owned a vibrator. It was an amazing two months we spent together, and only ended because I was moving away. But we’re young yet, and who knows? After we’d hooked up a few times, I got bombarded with sexual questions. Not because she wanted to grill me, but because she was curious! We talked about the coolest places we’d had sex (and made plans to top them). We went into detail about the best and worst sexual experiences. And our sex was phenomenal. We… Read more »
No need for people to talk about their sexual history. It means nothing anyhow because you should get STD testing with any new partner to get the truth and be safer.
This woman is not ready for these new things and she should step back and be honest with herself.
I don’t know if she’s afraid of being inadequate or if she feels she can”t trust him.
But she’s sensed a red flag and she better follow her instincts.
I love hearing about previous sexual experience, and am completely anti-toy.
I agree with Woman’s View and Aya. There’s no need to go into explicit detail, especially about his previous lovers. The best way to approach it is for him to talk about his experience as *his* experience, what it felt like, what he liked about it, without mentioning his previous partners any more than necessary. Try to keep the talk about your sex life in the present, like “here’s something I want to try” more than “here’s something I really liked when I did it with my ex.” Ultimately, those women are not you. It sounds like you’re afraid that’s… Read more »
Good advice. It’s silly to agonize over this issue: most people have some experience and if you have none, odds are the person you are with will have more than you. Plus, as someone pointed out above, more experience just works in the letter writer’s favor. Also, I think the letter writer needs some self-esteem boosts: it’s not as though once a person has had anal sex/used toys/tied someone up, the experience is going to be exactly the same with every partner. It’s always going to be new to him because it’s with a new person (and hey, it can… Read more »
Yeah I’m gonna have to say with the exception of how this revelation (such as IF he lied previously then told the truth then I wouldn’t blame her for her discomfort) was made this women should be getting the same advice that a man would get if he uncomfortable about his girlfriend’s level of experience.
Get over it.
I really don’t want to sound mean but if this were a guy feeling uncomfortable about not going through the “newness” together I don’t think he’d be offered much sympathy or understanding.
I think it’s kind of risky for either gender to talk to much about their prior experience. I would never tell a current boyfriend specific details about things I’d done with previous boyfriends. I might tell him what I like or suggest that we do things that I’ve done before, but without saying “this is what I did with my previous boyfriend” or “I really liked it when my previous boyfriend did X” or even “I really hated it when my previous boyfriend did Z.” Most people are not secure enough to cope with those details. It’s not kind. As… Read more »
Most people are not secure enough to cope with those details. It’s not kind.
I can imagine that would be painful.
I completely agree, Women’s view. Every time I’ve mentioned past sexual experiences, it hasn’t gone well. I remember two specific instances where I thought I wasn’t saying anything that bad. In one, I mentioned something I’d done with another girl. In another, I mentioned what I used to do with my very first boyfriend from ages ago. I didn’t think that either mentions were antagonizing, but neither went over well (and more recent, saucy details would have been far worse)–nor did vague references of ‘sleepovers’ I’d had. I’ve also shut down when hearing about a partner’s previous sex life, as… Read more »
not really sure why you’re in such a tizzy about this. i didn’t think the advice offered to the girl was much different than a “get over it”, maybe i missed something.
I can relate to the letter writer — my boyfriend suggested going to a sex shop and getting some toys, and I was really excited about the idea, but then, for some reason I still don’t understand, he felt the need to tell me that he’d done the same thing with his previous GF. As he talked about it, he got a little carried away with the memories and ended up telling me several stories about how his GF reacted at the shop, what she thought of the toys, how they got a cheap vibrator that ended up breaking, and… Read more »
I think that I agree with Mark. More experience is a plus unless he’s so jaded he can’t really be romantic – but that’s rare – I mean if your actually in a relationship and not just sexual partners chances are he really cares about you on a deep meaningful level. He wants to please you and be close to YOU in particular. There is a reason he’s in a relationship with you and not with the other girls who he got the previous experience with. Like I said if he’s in it for more than sex (as any healthy… Read more »
Another way to look at it: maybe try seeing it as an advantage that your partner has more experience? Odds are he’ll be more attuned to your needs and better able to adapt to what works best for you. The more sex a person has had, the more ways you know to give someone pleasure, or just make them more relaxed, more comfortable, or more desired. I’d focus less on how many partners he’s had and more on the fact that he’s (hopefully) a better lover because of his experience. Sex is a lot like improvisational jazz–you’ve got to adapt… Read more »
Practice makes perfect. 😉
Yeah, there’s been about 4 BILLION articles on this site telling guys to ‘Chill’ if their girlfriend has more ‘experience’ than them. So the reverse should be true also (even if it works out this way less and less often) , right?
They actually say (in finger ponitingly harsh terms) that men have no right to know or have no business asking about her history, and if you have a problem with it you need to deal with your insecurities.
DIdn’t she say that it was a problem she needed to deal with inside herself?
The”shesaid” advice suggested that he should have shared his past experience with her – the opposite of the advice men have gotten on this.
Ok, I see what you’re saying. As I mentioned below, there are some things that just don’t need to be said, even in a relationship with open communication. I’m not saying you should hide things, but I don’t see why you would say “my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend used to tie me up and I liked it” instead of “I like to be tied up.”
Exactly. The hypocrisy is astounding—but not in the least bit surprising.