…Okay so I didn’t FORCE my son to watch The Kardashians, more like tricked him into watching it.
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Normally I don’t even watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but I’ve been out sick with what a doctor called “at the very least, Bronchitis” and was sitting on the couch trying to work while my kids were in school. During my nebulizer treatment (sexy!), I flipped past The Kardashians and gave it a shot, figuring that if I didn’t hear all the dialogue over the machine, I’d survive.
The show is pretty ridiculous and mostly shallow, but I saw a few things great things. First, I now love Lamar Odom. His trip to the dentist was awesome. I loved seeing this giant tough guy who is afraid of the dentist face his fear, say silly things while high on anesthesia, and then feel very accomplished for having faced said fear. Very cool!
Even better, the pep talk he gave to brother-in-law Rob Kardashian about losing his hair was one of my favorite man-moments in reality TV history… which I’m ashamed to admit I am sort of an expert in. Odom’s self-acceptance for being bald, and his loving support of Rob about his (possibly imaginary) hair loss was open, sweet and as unforced as anything reality TV has to offer.
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But that’s not what I tricked Izz into watching with me.
When we were sitting down together on the couch, I cued up the just-aired episode of The Kardashians where Rob goes to therapy with his three super-star sisters and his mother, who manages the girls’ careers. I don’t know (or really care) about the history of this family, but it was obvious that Rob was really mad at his sister Kim (the one with the famous ass, you know her).
When they sat down in family therapy for the first time, the therapist asked Rob about a blow-up with Kim. Rob seemed angry, but when asked what he was truly feeling, he started crying… Really sobbing. His two non-Kim sisters seemed to feel really sad about this, and everyone—especially the therapist and sister Khloe—repeated how important it was that he was crying, and how good it is to cry.
The show was on in the background of our house, my sons’ hands full of Legos. And even though I didn’t point it out, my oldest watched the interaction between the family in the therapist’s office, rapt. Lately he’s been doing this new thing where, when he gets upset, he either gets mad at someone else or he bottles it up and walks away and says he’s fine. I want him to see some healthy models of men crying or talking about their feelings, but I can’t exactly go around and make men cry all day long. I mean, who has time for that?
Instead, via a goofy reality TV show, he witnessed a man explaining that he feels unheard by his family, then cry, and watched as the man was comforted and affirmed for crying and told it was a good thing.
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I just hope there isn’t a lot of media fallout around Rob’s emotions. I believe, and I’m not the only one, that the strict binary of emotions men are allowed—“I’m fine” and “I’m angry”—in our society is brutally damaging to men and society as a whole. It leaves no room for the experiences of daily life as a human being, and it completely disallows for the experiences of men who’ve survived physical and sexual abuse, war, loss, heartbreak, neglect and anything else other than losing your first pick in the fantasy football draft.
So I tweeted my support to @RobKardashian on Twitter, and hope that some of you will do the same.
[blackbirdpie url=”https://twitter.com/iproposethis/status/240286349436022784″]
See? We can learn something from The Kardashians! Who knew?
No one should feel that they are supposed to or need to cry. It’s not important to cry.
Unless crying offers a person some relief or benefit, there is no reason to feel one must do it. It’s important to know that crying is not wrong if you are moved to cry.
Instead, via a goofy reality TV show, he witnessed man explain that he feels unheard by his family, then cry, and watched as the man was comforted and affirmed for crying and told it was a good thing. To me the best part in this is that this was taken (as often is) as some sign that he is just trying to get attention or that he is the trying to make everything about him. That is part of what men are up against when it comes to feeling unheard but being unable to speak up about it. We are… Read more »
I think that Rob is a great example of how poorly women, sometimes, treat men. The way they treat him is deplorable; they’d never talk to each other like that.
Good for him. I think I’d cry constantly if I was part of that family.
But why would you give your son some pseudo-celebrity as am example. You could have gone with Clint Eastwood, who is pretty much the model of traditional masculinity, in his role in “The bridges of Madison county” in the scene at the end, when he watches Meryl Streeps character and her husband driving off in the rain. Or Clint Eastwood in “Million Dollar Baby” in his scene in the church, where his contemplates Hillary Swank’s characters wish to die. Ok, both movies feature morally questionable actions, but I assume so do “The Kardashians”.
Think about this, as far as relate-ability for a 7 year-old. The guy gets in an argument with his sister, and is upset. When talking about the argument, people talk all over him and he says that he doesn’t feel understood. Then he says he’s mad, then he cries because what he really feels is sad and frustrated. It’s simple, and it makes sense in a context a 7 year old can get. Trying to tell him why the nice boxer lady is dead, or why the photographer is sad because he can’t be with the lady who is the… Read more »
Honestly, I think you’d do best to find a way in which your husband can cry and your son can see it. After all, boys look up to their father and if he sees his father cry, he will think, “Wow, even daddy cries! It must be okay,” instead of seeing a random dude on TV cry. Maybe it’s time for a family “Brian’s Song” viewing?
My main point was that reality show stars are often treated with ridicule and contempt and realise this. I agree that million dollar baby could be difficult to explain to a kid, especially the assisted suicide, but in “The Bridges of Madison county” the photographer is sad, because he is left by somebody he cares deeply for, seven year olds can understand that, because they no the hurt of parting with a loved one. Collin has a good point I think, it is important that the kid respects the person who is presented to it as an example. One can… Read more »
Errata: my first sentence should have been:
My main point was that reality show stars are often treated with ridicule and contempt and kids realise this.
I do appreciate you taking advantage of the moment but I think Collin may have a point. I think that even having dad (or even just another older man) point it out would have really pushed the point home. Maybe nudge the young guy to tell dad about it just so he can hear from him on it. But Collin, she is doing her part. Oh and Joanna by all that is holy I am so glad you didn’t tweet some “Real men can cry.” bullshit. Because seriously the “real men” bit is just as much of a shaming tool… Read more »
I don’t buy the “real women have…” and “real men do…” bullshit.
Real men and real women do a whole huge variety of things.
As far as having dad talk to him about this stuff, sure. But they have different stuff to do when their dad is home from work. If he gets sad, he’ll cry, there’s just fortunately not that much to cry over these days. It would be weird to force it, instead you take the opportunities when they arise!
I don’t buy the “real women have…” and “real men do…” bullshit. Real men and real women do a whole huge variety of things. Remind me to send you some (insert your choice of candy) for your next birthday. I agree the message should be “Oh you’re crying? No big deal.” And I don’t mean that whatever they are crying about is no big deal but that the fact that they are crying HAS NO BEARING on their manhood. Like Eric says below it shouldn’t a matter of having boys feel like they are supposed to cry but rather that… Read more »