Why is my ex-husband giving our son a condom? How do I get my co-worker to stop saying “Merry Christmas?” Who should I go to the New Year’s Eve party with?
Dear John,
I am seething over something my ex-husband recently did. We have joint custody of our two kids, a girl age 11 and a boy age 13. The 13-year-old recently came home from a visit to his father’s and informed me that his father gave him a condom “in case he ever needed it.” This was not something we discussed and it continues the pattern that was one of the reason we couldn’t make our marriage work. He never discusses things with me that should be mutual decisions; he just goes and does them. He actually justified this once by saying, “But if we had talked about it, you would have been against it”! I am livid that he would do something so important in our son’s life without discussing it with me or letting me know his intentions. I took the condom away because our son is a very immature 13, but I know I’m losing my perspective on this. I’m trying to separate the wisdom of what he did with the wrong way he went about it, but I’m so mad I can’t even think about this clearly. Some perspective would be appreciated.
Signed,
This Is Why There’s An “Ex” Before “Wife”
Dear T.I.W.T.A.E.B.W.,
There are two issues here. Yes, of course, your ex-husband should discuss these things with you before he goes ahead and does them. If he refuses to do that, all I can say is try not to let your frustration show and explain to your kids that parents should discuss things together and arrive at a mutual agreement before deciding what to do. You can still teach them how it should go even if it usually doesn’t go that way.
As far as this particular situation goes, I can’t criticize what your husband did even though I disagree with how he went about it. Whether your son is immature or not, he is at the age when he should know how birth control works, and the importance of using it should be impressed upon him. Don’t let your feelings about his immaturity delay this conversation if one (or both) of you hasn’t had it with him already. Regardless of how immature he may be emotionally, his body is developing and is not waiting for his mind to catch up.
Irritating or infuriating as it may be, I think you should continue to remind your ex of the importance of talking together about things regarding your kids’ welfare, and your son’s sexual development would be a great place to start.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
I am trapped in the middle of the great “Christmas” vs. “Holiday” debate! I share an office with a co-worker who has made it her personal mission to keep the Christ in her Christmas and everyone else’s. She even stupidly wished someone working in a call center in India “Merry Christmas” and justified it by claiming, “Christmas is celebrated all over the world!” She has managed to annoy everyone within earshot for the entire past month. I have tried not to get drawn in, but it’s so hard! Do you have any ideas for a pithy rejoinder that will let her know what I think of how overbearing she’s being about this?
Signed,
Not Feeling Merry
Dear Not Feeling Merry,
You’re wasting a lot of mental energy by letting this get to you. There’s likely nothing you can say that will get this woman to rethink her crusade, and if you try, she’ll simply decide you’re part of the problem. In the meantime, even people who are generally sympathetic to her point of view are probably beginning to grow tired of her. By the time you read this, you’ll have to endure it for just a few more days. I would try really hard to ignore her and refuse to let this bother you.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
I have a question but I’m pretty sure I know what you’re going to say. A guy I’m not really all that interested in asked me to a New Year’s Eve party and I accepted because I really wanted to go to this party and I didn’t want to go alone. I like him enough, but there is zero chance for anything long-term. But now, a guy I’ve had a crush on for months and who I’m totally crazy about asked me to the same party! I would so, so very much like to go with him. I know it’s wrong to tell the first guy I changed my mind and go with the one I really want to go with, but I’ve (almost) made up my mind I’m going to do it anyway. What if I don’t and this guy goes with someone else and they hit it off and I miss my chance??? I know it’s rotten, but it’s not THAT rotten, is it? I might never have this chance again!!
Sincerely,
Want To Start The New Year Right
Dear Want To Start The New Year Right,
I’m not sure what you think I’m going to say, but if you want to start the New Year right, that would be by honoring your commitments. This is pretty black and white. You’ve told the first guy you would go with him, he’s planned accordingly, and now you’re going to ditch him because a better option has come along? Come on. I’m not even going to get into the maybes – maybe you’ll hit it off with the first guy in a way you never expected, maybe the second guy will turn out to be not so great, etc. Even if the evening goes exactly how you expect it to, you should keep your word. If you don’t, though, it will be sweetly ironic if the second guy finds out how untrustworthy and opportunistic you are and decides he’s not that interested in you after all.
Originally appeared at GoLocalProv.com.
—Photo Spec-ta-cles/Flickr
My friend, who is a nurse, had the sex ed/condom talk with her older son early on… talking and education was early and extensive…he still fathered 2 kids as a teenager….there are no guarantees in life! But, yeah, I agree, you can’t talk early enough with kids ( you may become a grandparent much sooner than you ever expected!) …and maybe putting the kid under house arrest!
IMO, the ex shouldn’t have given the kid *A* condom. He should have given him a boxful, and Mommy should get with the program. Seriously, Mom should contact Planned Parenthood and develop a plan for how to talk about sex and relationships with her kid. According to most polls, kids WANT to talk to their parents about sex, but are afraid/don’t feel comfortable doing so. Most kids who become sexually active PLAN to use a condom, but it’s awkward, the first time. How do you open the package, how do you put it on, it feels weird…. The time to… Read more »
I’ve spoken to my 13 year old daughter about sex etc….for years now. Starting that discussion at 13 dangerously Late……negligently late. With my daughter it’s a common topic …in the car…..at dinner……when a troubling scene in a TV program comes up. Condoms are uncounted in an accessible location…..with the added stipulation that if your friend needed one….better to give a condom than a baby shower.
#3: A good option would be to just tell the guy you like the truth. You want to go with him, but you already made a commitment. Stress that you’re disappointed and that the guy is a friend/you aren’t serious about him. Keep your promise–as long as you don’t plan on completely writing off the first guy or ignoring him/treating him poorly at the party. If you’re that attracted to the second guy, it’s unlikely you’ll it off with the first one (since your mind will be on second guy), but that’s no reason to disrespect the first guy and… Read more »
No. 1: Maybe he thought it was a “man thing” and that it was his responsibility to take care of it. Regarding other important issues, yes, of course there should be communication, but that goes both ways. I don’t know either of you, but is it possible he stopped consulting you because you were shutting him out? No 2. Yeah, just leave her to it. Shes unlikely to see the light. No. 3 I can’t help but feel that this is coming from the idea that women have to be asked, rather than do the asking. Ask him (the guy… Read more »
#1 Both parents need to get on board with how to talk to their children about sex ed and birth control. Utilize a conflict mediator if you have to but don’t make the kids the victims of your bad marriage. #2 She should have gone to the damn party alone, like a big girl. She doesn’t need a date to go to a party. That’s cowardly to use someone as an escort. My advice? At this juncture, she probably should be honest with the guy she’s not interested in so he can possibly find a date that is interested. Don’t… Read more »
Dear Jillie,
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Could I have your autograph?
No, it IS that rotten. It is inexcusably rotten.
I agree that as parents we need to have conversations about important events in out children’s lives, and talk about our approach to it. But we are not required to always agree – in fact, it’s often good for children to see that there’s different perspectives on a matter and that different adults see things differently. There’s a big difference between “having a conversation” and “coming to a mutual point of view”. Unfortunately, in some relationships there’s a tendency to insist that the “right view” must be found on everything. Sounds the like husband in question reacted to this by… Read more »
I agree, Lars, that it’s terribly destructive when people feel they must win an argument. I hope I don’t sound weasel-y when I say that to me, “agreeing to disagree” counts as a mutual agreement. The point, obviously, is that both parents express their points of view to a partner who’s truly listening instead of formulating a rebuttal while the other is speaking. That two people can love and respect each other while disagreeing on important things is a wonderful lesson for kids. But what about disagreements in which one partner “loses” by default? Taking the situation above, what if… Read more »
1. The fact that the 13-year-old is immature is PRECISELY why he should have the condom given to him in the first place. He almost surely will not go out and by one.
2. She can always find a moment with the second guy at the party, or talk to him by phone, to explain the situation and still go there with the first guy.
If one parent is in favor of the son having condoms and one is against it… well, the son should have the condoms. This isn’t a question of who gets to ‘win’ the argument, as if it were an argument over whether he should get a guitar or be allowed a later curfew; it’s a matter of health and safety. The condom-promoting parent is automatically right, every time.
Giving a 13-year-old boy a condom with no instructions for how, when, why to use it can be damaging. If he has no idea how to use it, attempts to and it breaks or comes off, then how will the parent feel? The parent tried to make their child safe but actually instilled a false sense of security. Parents should educate their children properly on sexual health, and that means giving them complete and accurate information, not throwing a condom at them with a wink, as if a 13 year old of any sex fully understands the consequences of improper… Read more »
Oh give me a break. I am sure your only hearing her side of the story. You weren’t there when the husband gave the son the condom. Women like this one have to be in control and get angered when there not. If had been her idea everything would of been fine.Typical.