Frederick Marx has identified a type of man he’s been seeing around a lot.
[Generalizing alert! I will now be generalizing about men and women. Please note that I am in no way saying all men or all women are like this. If these distinctions don’t fit for you, dear reader, great.]
As I travel around I hear younger women talk about a certain type of man they keep running into – the sensitive but angry man.
This is not surprising to me. Our culture, which has inherited so much of the gender reforms of the feminist movement over the last 40 years, has taught men it’s OK to be sensitive. (For some men the lesson received has been a less welcoming “You have to be sensitive.” More on that subject another time.) Making cultural room for men to be sensitive is a welcome change. So boys increasingly in our society grow up taught that it’s OK to express feelings.
But what feelings are they being taught are OK to release? Sadness? Yes. Joy? Yes. But fear? I’m not so sure. Shame? I doubt it. And anger? Rarely or not at all. By and large, boys aren’t being taught when and where it’s OK to express anger at all.
It’s ironic really. For years men being angry was considered by the dominant culture as perfectly natural. And our culture as a whole still makes large allowances for men being angry, even rageful or tyrannical. You need look no further than many of the recent obituaries for Steve Jobs.
By most accounts the guy was barely tolerable to be around. He would burst into fits of rage at the slightest provocation, whether a design issue with an Apple product or bad business news. The people who worked with him basically learned never to challenge him. The tone of many articles and interviews with those who worked with him is always nervously apologetic when it comes to the issues of his rage and tyranny. You can almost hear the nervous laughter coming through the quotes on the page.
Of course all was forgiven because he was a genius who created and saved Apple and revolutionized consumer technology. But forgiven by whom? The popular culture, certainly. Still, it’s hard not to imagine his co-workers breathing sighs of relief now that he’s gone. And what about his family? What was life like for them? Who knows. But I can only imagine how difficult he must’ve been to live with. There are many more like him who still get away with being angry, rageful, and abusive.
So who is the sensitive but angry man? Certainly not Steve Jobs. You might call him “old school just plain angry.” Here’s the sensitive but angry man prototype I’ve cobbled together from interview and observation: He’s under 30, reasonably well educated, usually white, reasonably politically and socially astute; there’s a good chance he’s either unemployed or underemployed; he may still be living at home with his parents or living with 4-5 other young people in a group home; though he may not be a video game geek he’s certainly familiar with them and everything else that’s culturally in fashion mobile phone-, internet-, and computer-wise. He probably doesn’t own a car, especially if he lives in an urban area. He probably doesn’t smoke but does do recreational drugs and alcohol. He’s probably thin though prone to junk-food binges even though he’s reasonably aware of healthy food. Most likely he’s straight but gay, lesbian, bi, transsexual issues don’t bother him in the least.
So what does he have to be angry about? Plenty. The fact that the economy doesn’t know he exists and his future career prospects look dim. The fact that he’s up to his eyeballs in debt from egregious student loans with few prospects for repayment.
The fact that military service may be his only hope for a job, committing him to endangering his and others’ lives while patrolling American oil and business interests in the middle East and elsewhere. The fact that he won’t have health insurance unless ObamaCare gets implemented. The fact that the environment is collapsing under civilization’s carbon addiction and the ability to secure clean and cheap water, healthy food, safe shelter, inexpensive and reliable transport, and regular, affordable electricity is going to get harder and harder. The fact that politicians seem unconcerned about all these issues and that mighty corporate interests control most of what passes for legislation in the U.S.
That certainly makes me angry! But those are just the social realities. Once you layer in all the personal issues – how Dad and Mom and sister and brother and friend and teacher and classmate and teammate have each wounded him in their own ways during his formative years – he can become nitro in a bottle.
Add to that the feminist era remonstration from all quarters to “be nice.” (See “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”) Add to that the disallowance of any opportunity to express anger, much less rage, when he was young, by parents too caught in the web of their own narcissism.
My wife and I witnessed an instance of this at the Farmers Market on Sunday. A three-year-old was toddling along after his parents. “Wait for me!” he said. His mother’s reply? “Since you weren’t nice to me I’m not going to be nice to you.” Excuse me, exactly who is the three year old here? How much room was this mother making for that child’s prior anger? Zero. Instead, he was being shamed out of it, taught that if he’s going to receive his mother’s love he better not get angry.
How many boys are taught this today? My guess is most of them. And it’s been that way for at least 30 years.
I carry a fair share of anger but I’m not 30. What makes me different from the sensitive but angry male is I’ve already had a long and successful career; I’ve long finished my formal education; I’ve been able to support myself through my work for 35 years; I’ve never had to do military service; I get health insurance through my wife’s secure job; I’ve never had to take on significant debt or been seduced into it by unscrupulous lenders (Okay, less one investment house bought at the height of the housing market in 2006); I won’t live long enough to see the worst of the catastrophic changes that are coming due to environmental and economic collapse.
But that’s not all. I have another significant advantage over those angry young men. I’ve been taught how to utilize and channel that anger in healthy and productive ways. Certainly making films, writing articles, and giving talks are positive outlets for that anger. But I have much more than that available to me. I have the support of loving men who can hold that anger when it arises and create mechanisms for its safe discharge. Sometimes that can look like screaming at a wall and hitting pillows. Sometimes it can look like taking to the woods to release energy yelling and pounding dirt. Sometimes it can look like men creating a gauntlet for me to bull my way through. I’ve also been known to enjoy rounds with a punching bag. There’s always some safe and productive way for me to release anger even if I don’t quite know what it looks like beforehand.
If it’s properly contained it won’t leak out sideways and slug someone else with its suddenness. Or turn into a shouting match with a spouse or co-worker. Properly explored and diffused there’s always gifts to be gleaned on the other side of that anger. It can look like a renewed commitment to set fierce boundaries for myself or loved ones. It can look like there’s no longer a need to protect a broken heart and I can let the floodgates go. It can look like discovering what I’m deeply passionate about and willing to commit my life to.
When I work with young people in my DocuMentoring Studio that’s exactly where I begin – with anger. Like most young people today, nobody, during the course of their 12 years of public schooling, has directed them to identify and utilize their own unique passions. So when I ask them on the first day “What is it you’re passionate about?” they often look at me with blank stares. How sad is that! So I quickly shift to question #2 “What is it that makes you angry?” That they can relate to! Then the juices start to flow. “My parents don’t understand me at all.” “I’m sick of seeing school budget cuts.” “Peer pressure really weighs me down.” Once I’ve gotten them to identify what pisses them off it’s relatively easy to narrow them down to smaller, more specific issues. (I also direct them to people and non-profits doing service work on those same issues in their own neighborhoods.) Eventually that anger becomes the passionate through-line for their short documentary film.
A synonym for passion is deep caring. What underlies anger is almost always deep caring. When you’re angry that your sister has been beaten or raped what are you really doing? You’re loving her deeply enough to be outraged that she’s been violated. When you’re angry that your business partner has absconded with the company money what are you really doing? You’re caring deeply enough about your own and your company’s well-being to be furious at how you’ve been hurt and betrayed. When you’re angry that the bank is foreclosing on your neighbors what are you really doing? You’re wanting so much for people to be treated fairly and decently that you’re irate because they’re thrown out on the street for not paying an overpriced mortgage. If you didn’t care so much about a given issue then you certainly wouldn’t get angry about it, ever.
Do you know some of these sensitive but angry men? Are you one of them? If so, what can you do? Up until 1 or 200 years ago fathers commonly taught their sons about safe anger containment and release. Today? Therapy and counseling can be helpful of course. There are also lots of good anger management workshops.
Since my experience shows me that it’s men who best teach men how to safely work with anger, and to do so without being ashamed, I also suggest a good men’s workshop. There are many.
To sign up for updates on our films, how we’re “Bearing Witness, Creating Change”
click here.
To learn about who we are and what we’re making next click here.
Photo—craigfinlay/Flickr
About Frederick Marx
Really dynamic article … thank you. Can’t wait to see the responses.
Oh, one last thing … you’re right on about “men teaching men.”
A lot of great points, although I would disagree with a number of things as well.
Just a side note here…Obamacare was never meant to succeed. It’s primary function (ironically enough) was to generate anger about healthcare in America when the court tossed it, and therefore create momentum for a legitimate program to follow. Which brings us to the concept of good anger versus bad anger. That is if that concept is valid. May we see more about the very serious issue of male anger.
Like most young people today, nobody, during the course of their 12 years of public schooling, has directed them to identify and utilize their own unique passions. So when I ask them on the first day “What is it you’re passionate about?” they often look at me with blank stares. How sad is that! So I quickly shift to question #2 “What is it that makes you angry?” That they can relate to! Then the juices start to flow. “My parents don’t understand me at all.” “I’m sick of seeing school budget cuts.” “Peer pressure really weighs me down.” Once I’ve gotten them to identify what pisses them off it’s relatively easy to narrow them down to smaller, more specific issues. (I also direct them to people and non-profits doing service work on those same issues in their own neighborhoods.) Eventually that anger becomes the passionate through-line for their short documentary film.
that is great stuff, i really enjoyed reading how you hooked the kids interest, and then channeled it
Great point that behind passion is anger. The key is to release the anger related to passion in positive ways such as fighting for change.
We not only disappoint and make ourselves miserable by not being passionate, we are also denying society and the people we love from knowing an agent of change.
“A synonym for passion is deep caring. What underlies anger is almost always deep caring.” You nailed it with that, man. As someone oft criticized for my “passion” spilling over into (and closely resembling) anger, that observation was spot-on; indeed, I’ve often said “Sometimes I wish I just didn’t care.” I don’t wanna play the martyr, but sometimes not giving a crap would be so much easier. And I’m sure I’d be easier to be around as well . . .
I was angry. But I realized that the anger did nothing but eat away at my gut, leaving nothing but ulcers and Maalox in the wake off all that misspent energy.
I took a hard look at the problems men of my age & younger (Gen X-Y) are facing, and I realized that 90% of them are structural in nature. That means they’re not problems, because problems have solutions. They are properly termed Conundrums. That is, all we can really do is plan and mitigate and muddle through.
I released the anger, and with it, any need to strive to put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I do what I can, I prepare the best I can, I talk to those who will listen about it. For those that do listend and do have open minds and open hearts, I talk and we create community. For those that don’t, well, as Mike Ruppert puts it, ‘Darwinian Deselection is none of my business.’
And finally, I make it a point to enjoy myself. I bought myself a nice bike and I ride it. I enjoy my hobbies, I garden, hunt, etc. Because that’s all I can do. I am fiercely committed to ‘enjoying the decline.’ As they say, I’ll be poolside.
Which is more likely, the notion that nature and evolution imbued with one perfectly destructive and completely negative emotion, or the idea that you’re possibly just in denial?
Telling people with plenty of good reasons to be angry to, in essence, ‘get over it’ is not an uncommon impulse in times such as these, but it is one that has never ended well for the person who says it.’
Most of us aren’t in any position to ‘enjoy the decline’. Most of us are about ready to eat the folks who are.
Soullite, I see where you´re coming from but I can testify that our brother (r)Evoluzione will have sat deep with that anger and found the jewel in the mud – detachment. Whatever way you look at it, there be a reckoning a-coming – we´re disenfranchised, no doubt, but in the end, we´re all going to be disenfranchised of life on this planet, and there´s no way our current swollen power structures can reorganize and meet the challenges beginning to face us all. Doesn´t stop me carving out my own few acres of inner and outer happiness and fulfillment, but the values and rewards are parents enjoyed aren´t available to us, and to be honest, I´m not hankering for them. Like Einstein says:
“Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”
Most of my parent´s gen would freak if they had to contend with our inheritance, I need to evolve to avoid that stress.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Rumi
When you realise the hard won wisdom of that quote, come join us poolside for a cold one and we can watch the end of the present world
Peace
I think one factor at work here is the political culture in the U.S. today, which encourages righteous indignation. The people who get the most attention are the people who are outraged, and the more people who act outraged the bigger the story is. A happy news story without anyone outraged is just not going to make the lead story. In our coverage of events, in our working lives, and in our private lives, the angry people get the most attention. A little whining just doesn’t cut it anymore. An attempt to examine pros and cons just bores everybody. Contentment just can’t hold our interest. Anger brings attention and entitlement, so why would anyone give it up?
Possibly this is because there are many of us who just can’t stand it if someone else is unhappy. Everyone needs to be happy in an ideal society. If you’re angry, that means you’re unhappy, so something is wrong, so I need to fix it. If someone is mad or offended, that means society has done something wrong to that person, and social justice must prevail. Present-day American culture gives a lot of voice to anger and outrage, all the while being afraid of it.
There are many valid reasons to be angry at the current state of affairs. That doesn’t mean all the expressions of anger are equally important. Every bit of anger has a cause, but that doesn’t mean anyone is supposed to fix “the problem.”
This is huge. Yes. Agreed completely. Kind articles about good things get a “meh” while provocation wins the day. And since it’s related to money and running businesses, news/media has it in their best interest to provoke instead of heal.
Yup, yup, yup. I totally agree with what you’re saying, and I think that our society’s treatment of anger (well and all negative emotions) as something that needs to be fixed, is problematic.
Great article. I commend you for providing a useful and creative outlet for young people to express their feelings especially perceived negative ones like anger.
Also I want to personally tell you that Hoop Dreams is an amazing film and thank you for helping make that story be shared.
Terrific article, full of insights about what it’s like to be a man today, especially a young one. In addition to learning how to safely express anger many men would benefit from the many useful psychological and spiritual practices available to help derive our passion more directly from love, letting the anger become less needed as a motivator for compassionate action.
Hmm this sensitive but angry man I think often goes by another name…”hipster” =)
Another sort of relevant example would be Allan from Two & A Half Men….who I think embodies this false “sensitivity” where being considerate and decent is used as weapons to foster a transactional “I owe you you owe me” culture.
The person you describe doesn’t sound like he has that much to be angry about other than the fact he may not have a job. Try being over 40, single, over weight and in debt then we can talk about being angry
What utter crap. How do you know if someone has that much to be angry about unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes?
It’s also supported by a logical fallacy, just because you have reasons to be angry doesn’t mean that somebody else doesn’t. That’s absurd, nobody owns the rights to anger, whether an individual or group.
This kind of one – upmanship regarding emotions has been done to death and it’s ludicrous.
Your marital status, weight and debts are your responsibility by the way, as are mine, simply being angry accomplishes nothing without using it as a motivation.
Thanks for this article Frederick – well done. If you’re a man without an outlet for your anger … whatever kind of anger it is and whatever profile you fit into … find a men’s group! The ManKind Project has over 750 men’s groups in the USA. Click on my name for the web site.
Great suggestion for Frederick – and other men, angry or not. In fact, he and I went through the ManKind Project (MKP, then called New Warriors) weekend together in October, 1995 . I was in a weekly Integration Group (not with Frederick) for 10 years afterwards. One of the many benefits of MKP is you might be lucky enough to meet and become dear friends with a man like Frederick, who has made immense contributions to MKP and the world.