Avoidants Don’t Avoid Problems — They Actually Create New Ones

Most people want a partner, but very few are actually ready or willing to be one to someone else.

For example, let’s say you met someone at a bookstore or wherever — it doesn’t matter. Eventually, things go well and you start dating. Now, here’s the thing, that person is probably not thinking decades down the road when they may have to make sacrifices for their ailing spouse — potentially you.

And it’s quite possible you might not be excited, thrilled, or inclined to sacrifice your own wants and needs so that they could go back to school full-time and work a job simultaneously.

Because, where does that leave room for the relationship?

These are hypotheticals, but rarely do we think long-term. We’re caught up in the present moment but in the wrong way. We’re present, but in ways that allow us to avoid the dark truths about real love and partnership.

There’s a YouTube short from Orion Taraban, Psy.D, that I watched recently that encapsulates this point perfectly.

“Love isn’t romantic; it’s changing the bedpan.”

People Don’t Want to Love

While it’s a bit extreme to boil love down to just acts of service, the point he’s trying to make is that love isn’t all that glamorous. Nor is it just a feeling. Often, love is inconvenient and NOT fun. In short, you could even say love is more of an action than a feeling.

Most people want love, but when it’s their turn to step up, their avoidance rears its ugly head. Their cowardice kicks in and what was once “love” is now resentment, judgment, and indifference.

No one is immune to acting this way, but from personal experience, this is especially true for “avoidant attachers.”

Avoidants are an interesting lot… While the term “avoidant” might make one assume they avoid or abstain from relationships, love, or sex, this is rarely the case.

In fact, some of the most intensely passionate connections I’ve had were with avoidant women. But, unfortunately, this passion is built on instability and is ultimately short-lived.

Avoidants are not bad people, nor are they to be held responsible for every relationship problem, but individuals with moderate or severe avoidance find it difficult to make things work.

In short, someone with traits or behaviors of an avoidant attachment style displays personality/relationship traits of emotional absence, distance, or fear of intimacy.

If you are in a relationship with someone who has these types of traits, don’t be surprised if they avoid expressing their feelings (or even handling them), feeling their emotions, and growing.

When faced with the fear of intimacy or rejection, avoidants usually “run or pull away.”

They retreat into their emotional shells to avoid the discomfort of their emotions. Whereas, “anxious” individuals often “lean” too much into their partners, meaning, they try to seek connection and reassurance from outside themselves.

Which triggers the avoidant’s natural inclination to pull away even further.

This dynamic creates a toxic push-pull effect.

For example, at some point near the end of my nearly five-year relationship with my fiance, I started to get the feeling “something” was wrong. Instead of confronting it, I told her one day, “I won’t be attending our wedding.”

What I really meant was, “I can’t marry someone who’s neglecting this relationship.”

Now, I’m not proud of suddenly putting her through that. That was my own avoidance at play, and it’s not something I plan to repeat.

In truth, we had come to an “agreement” about how the wedding was to play out, but eventually, she canceled it and refused to put money down for the venue.

Weeks later we went to therapy to work through it, and I thought we were making progress. Then, out of nowhere, she discarded the relationship completely.

I discovered she had been holding on to years’ worth of resentment. She made compromises that were never spoken of. And that night, with her pacing back and forth crying for what SHE had to do, I was now the “villain” in her story.

It was me who was responsible for her suffering.

For all the things she made one-sided sacrifices on, but never expressed.

And here’s the thing, therapy was NOT fun. For either of us.

During the decline of the relationship, I struggled with my own avoidance.

I often lamented how distant we had become, feeling as though I was living with a roommate I occasionally had sex with rather than sharing a life with a partner.

I wanted a deeper connection with her, but I felt burdened by a lot of shame and guilt. I didn’t address that and chose to withdraw into my own thoughts.

My thought process was: if I stay silent maybe the issues will resolve themselves.

This is the truth about love: it demands that we engage with the raw, uncomfortable feelings in a relationship.

Real love isn’t just sharing happy moments — that’s what the media and society want you to think. There’s more to commitment than saying “I do” or moving in together.

As Orion Taraban, Psy.D stated in that video, love is showing up when reality has sunk in and all the fun is gone.

However, for avoidants, as I mentioned, their instinct is to run away. In my case, this was exemplified in the form of her discarding the relationship long before any of the REAL work had started.

Instead of addressing the underlying issues, her unilateral decision left both of us (maybe…) with unresolved feelings.

These were the consequences: how the avoidance of one problem multiplied into MORE problems.

We broke up.
We separated our living space — I chose to move out.
Our finances tightened without the shared expenses.
Intimacy disappeared.
Loneliness set in.
The relationship itself was gone.

Though, in a lot of cases, the problems aren’t equally shared with avoidants. Usually what happens is that the avoidant partner saw this coming ages ago, and they’ve made the “proper preparations” emotionally — i.e. suppressing them.

Also, many avoidants, like my ex move on VERY quickly. In a matter of days or weeks, they’re out partying, socializing — and even hooking up with new people faster than you can imagine.

She had her parties and her friends, and soon after, she “found” someone else.

Meanwhile, I was left dealing with the emotional fallout for over a year. I was still single when I discovered she had a new boyfriend. Her decision caused ripples in both of our lives. All due to avoidance.

One, single problem — from the effects of childhood relationship attachment issues, and lack of communication escalated into a much larger, long-term issue. Instead of diving into the issues head-on, we swept them under the rug and let things get out of control.

If this example doesn’t make sense, let’s consider a hypothetical situation:

Lauren and Charles have been dating for three years. They’ve discussed marriage, but whenever the topic comes up Charles deflects or makes some stupid joke to change the subject.

Lauren hopes he’ll eventually come around (hint: he won’t), but every time she’s disappointed even more which leads to growing tension and resentment. As expected, she starts to feel like his commitment to her and the relationship is not appreciated or reciprocated.

She thinks to herself, maybe I’ve skipped a step.

This time, she approaches the idea of buying a house together, hoping that this will ease him into the idea of marriage.

As a side note: she hasn’t skipped any steps, he’s just afraid of commitment.

Nothing in this world will change an avoidant’s mind unless they’re willing to change. A home, a marriage, and not even children are enough to get an avoidant to deeply commit to you.

Anyway, Charles reluctantly agrees but never actually engages with the home-buying process. He pretty much drags his feet by canceling house viewings, making financial excuses, or simply not showing interest. It’s like he’s “there,” but not there.

They buy a home, but it doesn’t change anything. Lauren still feels ignored by her boyfriend and is getting tired of waiting around for him to propose. She ignores her own feelings and second-guesses herself, thinking she’s too needy or desperate.

Even Lauren grapples with her own avoidance. While Charles is clearly the avoidant partner in their dynamic. Anxious that she could lose Charles if she brings it up again, she suppresses her own feelings and sacrifices her own happiness just to keep the peace.

He subtly notices her demeanor but willingly chooses to avoid bringing it up himself.

In this example, no one really points out the “elephant in the room.” Resentment, frustration, isolation, disgust, and disappointment.

The problems escalate and sort of “plateau” to a manageable level, but their connection is weaker than it should be. Intimacy dwindles and the trust between each other is nearly gone.

While they might not break up the relationship is a husk or a shadow of what it could be.

In short, the solid foundation they hoped for at the start was slowly destroyed by avoiding the crucial conversation around ONE topic.

We can tie this all back to the beginning… most people do not consider the long-term roles they must play if they want the benefit of a relationship. Often, they only think about themselves and what they themselves want.

I can say this with confidence because I’ve seen a similar pattern in my avoidant partners — and even in myself a few times.

Most people prioritize their own happiness and enjoyment over what it really takes for a relationship to endure. Our society is incredibly self-centered, narcissistic, and hyper-independent.

And what’s happening in the dating sphere is merely a symptom of those problems.

From my perspective, there’s a narrative in our society that glorifies individual enjoyment.

Dating apps have exacerbated this issue. Anyone can swipe and get instant gratification. Fleeting, hedonistic pleasures have taken priority over the deeper aspects of companionship — that or people have gotten it in their heads that relationships are all about having someone as their “tag along” or accessory.

So when things aren’t “going to plan” or it’s not fun anymore, they find no remorse in discarding that person.

I remember the times I wanted to connect deeply or to share intimate conversations with my partners, but in a lot of circumstances, I found myself as an accessory to social outings that felt more like obligations.

Of course, that doesn’t mean going out is always bad, but at times there certainly was a lack of “balance,” and prioritizing fun came before genuine connection.

This immature mindset, that fun is the most important thing, makes it difficult for people to handle conflict. When a disagreement arises — which is going to happen, their avoidance is activated and they retreat and choose distraction over conversation.

There’s actually not a lot of room for individualism in a real, legitimate relationship.

But I think you get the point.

The thankless task of changing a bedpan or putting one’s needs temporarily to the side for their partner to get a degree is often too much for most people to handle.

Real, authentic love is dedication backed by action. It’s easy to love someone when everything is easy, but can you love someone when things aren’t so great?

Are you a fair-weather partner or a dedicated, loyal companion?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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