My therapist Lance Miller asked if my Dad ever looked back and thought about what he could have done better as a father. I honestly said, “I don’t think so.” I believe Dad came from the different, far less self-reflecting generation. That was good in many ways for him. We can’t change the past. Lady MacBeth said, “What done cannot be undone.” Dad moved on. He did the same over, and over, and over again although creating much the same. That wasn’t so good.
The late NBA Legend Kobe Bryant said, “Failure excites me.” Failure gave Kobe what to work on next. I try to learn from my failures, too. Whether I didn’t get the Aikido technique in practice or someone used me until she could find the man she loved, that gave me what to work on next. I work on myself, not on others, not on them. That’s all I can do. That’s all that we can do. The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train.”
In the samurai proverb: Nana korobi ya oki. “Fall down seven times, get up eight.” I fail in life. When I fail, when I fall down, I get back up. I fix myself. I work on the being the better man, the greater person. I move forward.
When I acknowledge my failure, I know what to work on. I work on myself to be as great as I can be. I believe Dad never thought what he did as a father was a failure. He only did what his dad had done to him. He didn’t know any better. He did the same thing over, and over, and over again. Consequently, he got the same results, which was not so great. I don’t think Dad thought about what he could have done better. That was at least good for Dad.
As a little boy, I got that I would never be good enough for Dad. That I would never be good enough for anyone, especially me. I feared inside that I’m not good enough. Still, letting go of my fear inside me, was all on me. Not on Dad. I had to work on myself, not on him.
The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On my path to end suffering, I trained in Aikido with the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei, and worked with my therapist Lance Miller. Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” For the first time in my life, I was safe being me. I was good enough. I worked on becoming the greatest that I could be. Just train.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” He said, “The safest place to be in under the attack, in the danger.” When the bigger stronger man attacks, I wait it out. I enter the attack and die with honor. I hold my position. Make my timing. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough, my fear of Dad as a little boy. Although my fear inside never completely disappears, every time I enter what I fear, I let go more of my fear inside me. I’m quiet inside. I’m free inside.
In working with Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression, I forgave Dad for not knowing how to be a father, for being afraid inside too, and for being imperfectly human. I forgive myself for not being strong enough as a little boy to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not.
For 17 years, Dad and I went fishing in Alaska in his twilight years. He was the weakened old man. The years were unkind to his mind and body. I became my Dad’s protector. What Dad was not for me. That was my responsibility. I let it go my fear inside me. Not Dad. That’s just life.
Answering Lance’s question, I said, “I think Dad lighted up over the years.” I said, “Life humbles you. Getting old humbles you, too.” Life and getting old humbles me, too.
Still, getting old can be a gift. I’m 63 years old. I’ve trained in Aikido for over 35 years. I’m Godan (5th degree black belt). 20 years ago, I bench pressed 250 pounds. I’m 5’3” and 145 pounds. That was a decent lift. No, I can’t do that anymore. Time is undefeated.
Although I’m no longer that physically strong, I can throw the 250-pound man punching to my face. Although my body has grown weaker, my mind has grown stronger. I wait out the attack until the last moment. I take a glancing blow if I have to. I’m not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.
I enter the attack, enter what I fear. I get under the attack, in the danger. I hold my position. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I throw the attacker with my feeling out, throw from my one point, ki. I’m stronger inside than I’m on the outside. I always was. I’m quiet inside.
Life and getting old humbles me. That humbles everyone. That’s just life. I’m humble to serve others and help them become the greatest that they can be. Being humbled and being humble are profound gifts in life. I’m grateful for both.
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Photo by Kyle Johnson on Unsplash
