What is Parentification?
Parentification: a parent or parental figure’s expectation that a child fulfill the role of a parent within the family system, also know as parent-child role reversal. If you were parentified, you likely lost your childhood to some degree. Healthy parents don’t demand your attention at any stage of life.
I just read a lovely post on LinkedIn by a young woman who felt she’d “won the lottery” by having loving, caring parents. They supported her, advised her about her future, and were there for her when things went wrong. I agree, she won quite a valuable lottery, setting her up for success in life.
But for some of us, this script was flipped. Instead of parents who inquired and listened, who guided us and made sure we navigated the treacherous waters of adolescence and young adulthood, they wanted this care and attention for themselves.
There are two main types of parentification. Instrumental, where the child performs adult tasks such as child care, cooking and cleaning, paying bills, etc., and emotional, where the child is expected to provide emotional care and support for one or both parents (often not receiving this sort of support themselves).
Instrumental parentification is distinct from giving a child age-appropriate chores. Learning to cook, do laundry and babysit, when age-appropriate, are part of healthy development. But parentification typically comes from feeling you have to do it, either because you are ordered to (“No, you can’t go out with your friends, I need you to watch your brothers and sisters,” or “That kitchen better be clean when I get home, or else!”) or, even more insidiously, because no one else will do it if you don’t. There won’t be dinner unless you make the mac and cheese. Your brother won’t be dressed for school unless you help him.
Instrumental parentification can occur because parents are physically absent due to work, socializing, or substance use, and have not provided an appropriate caretaker in their absence. It can also be because they are emotionally absent due to mental health issues or substance abuse.
Emotional parentification occurs in two (often interconnected ways). One, because one or both parents use the child as their emotional support, expecting the child to take care of their emotions and be their little counselor or BFF. In this case, the parent often shares things with the child that are inappropriate for their age and their role as the child. A mother might “share secrets” and say “don’t tell dad.” A divorced father might want to talk with his teenage daughter about his dating conundrums. Another word for this is “spousification,” where the parent treats the child more like a partner or spouse.
The second way emotional parentification occurs is when a parent’s difficult and negative emotions are dominating the house, and the child feels they need to keep parent calm, cheer them up, and/or walk on eggshells.
In the case of both instrumental and emotional parentification (which often — but not always — go hand in hand), a personality disorder or tendency such as narcissism on the part of the parent may be a factor. Ultimately, in all cases of parentification, the child learns to put their own needs aside, or simply not recognize they have any, because the parent or parents just seem to need so much more.
It’s important to note that the parentified child may actually feel proud of stepping in to raise their siblings, or being the “special” one their parent confides in. If you were parentified, you may also feel like this helped you in some ways in your life, such as self-sufficiency, focus, and maturity. But it also takes a toll, and it’s not a small one, to be honest. Not only, as I mentioned above, does it tend to feel like you have lost your childhood (what’s that?), there are a number of other negative impacts such as:
~ Not being able to identify your own emotional needs.
~ Being overly self-reliant, and/or not trusting anyone to help or take care of you.
~ Entering into unhealthy relationships which repeat these early patterns, such as being the giver while the other just takes.
~ Being the “helper” in your relationships, wearing yourself out and perhaps becoming resentful.
~ Being overly anxious from early childhood expectations that were unrealistic in terms of your developmental stage.
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name
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