Why You’re Both Intimacy Virgins

“I can’t live like this anymore! He doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t touch me. He doesn’t see me!” Sasha cries, wiping her nose with a tissue. Simon looks away; he’s heard this a million times. I decide to lubricate the moment with some playfulness to help Simon see his role in this dance.

“What do you think, Simon? Are you really emotionally challenged?” Sasha laughs awkwardly, not expecting me to put it that way.

“Yeah…actually, no…I do have feelings; I just don’t share them.”

I’m not surprised, but Sasha is caught off guard.

“Then why don’t you share them?” I ask, inviting him to take up more space in the room.

“He doesn’t share because he’s not connected to his feelings. He never learned how to communicate,” Sasha bursts out.

“Thank you, Simon 🙂!” I say to Sasha with a smile, signaling that I want to hear from him directly.

The Intimacy Queen and the Emotionally Challenged Partner

I see this often in the clinic: One partner (often the female in heterosexual relationships) pulls her partner into therapy because she’s tired of feeling alone without intimacy. Like Sasha, the partner feels “ lonely at the top” with superior emotional intelligence compared to her emotionally “limited” partner. I playfully call that supposedly “superior” partner “The Intimacy Queen” (or King), while the less verbal partner I call, with a wink and humor, “the Emotionally Challenged Partner.”

This is a common, unspoken, almost normative, hierarchical dynamic that damages relationships. After all, the cliche of an emotionally stunted man is just not sexy, and a critical woman isn’t very enticing. However, the truth is that most partners have the same level of differentiation, with the same capacity for intimacy.

My role in the clinic is to shake up the pair and show partners they’re both equally “messed up.” I aim to help them meet at eye level, where mature intimacy lives.

Viewed systemically, Sasha can be the Queen of Intimacy only if Simon agrees to the role of the Emotionally Challenged.

“Sasha, did you notice that every time I ask Simon a question, you answer for him?”

“Yes, that’s because he never answers!” she says in frustration.

“Can I ask you a question?” I prep her for an upcoming challenging question that will help her let it land. “Do you think you have higher emotional intelligence than Simon?”

Sasha blushes, smiles slightly, lowers her gaze, and says:

“Yes, of course.”

The first step in the journey toward mature intimacy is to help the superior partner, in this case, the Queen of Intimacy, own her subjective sense of emotional superiority (and subsequent emotional monopoly) in the relationship.

The next step is to help the lower partner express a broader emotional range that has remained hidden until now.

“And you, Simon, do you think you’re truly emotionally challenged?”

“ Maybe…actually, no…I’m not sure.”

Like many men, Simon has undergone traditional masculine socialization, whereby emotions are viewed as weak and feminine. Simon’s lack of emotional literacy, however, doesn’t mean that he feels less than Sasha; it just means he’s not as versed as she is.

“So, let me tell you something that might surprise you….” I lean forward, adding some playfulness for the bomb I’m about to drop.

“Both of you are mature-intimacy virgins!”

Sasha is surprised. Simon smiles. Finally, Simon isn’t the only “problem” in the room.

We All Are Intimacy Virgins

We all fear intimacy. Intimacy requires us to be vulnerable, to expose, to surrender, and to risk hurt and abandonment. For this reason, we all develop defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from it. Some go upwards, feeling that their partner can’t possibly meet them., while their partners run downward, dumbing and numbing themselves.

The path to losing our mature-intimacy virginity begins with becoming aware of our avoidance and then taking responsibility for it.

How Do You Change the Dance?

This hierarchical dance is so common in TV and movies that many think it’s natural, but it is a social construct. The good news is that with time and effort, you can move beyond it. Here are a few initial recommendations to help you soften this dance:

Have an honest conversation and examine if and how this dynamic is manifesting in your relationship.

Balance yourselves. Accept that you’re both virgins: The Intimacy Queen needs to put down the emotional crown (monopoly), and the Emotionally Challenged partner needs to step up and dare.

The Queen of Intimacy

Take responsibility. Acknowledge that sometimes, like Sasha, you also avoid intimacy. Share the times when you avoid, judge, or even diminish your partner. Your partner implicitly feels your actions anyway, so instead of hiding or minimizing, admit it. This way, you can invest in meeting the truth, rather than in petty squabbles.

Resign from being the spokesperson or therapist for your partner. Replace exclamation points with question marks. Feel free to be curious and let him surprise you.

Release your relational monopoly over emotions. His way of feeling will be different from yours. Give him the space to feel and express his emotions without your mediation. Initially, you might experience him as unregulated, disruptive, or angry. Remember, his emotional expression will be different from yours-and that’s a good thing.

Celebrate him. Compliment him when he shares, expresses, or tries. Focus on his successes.

The Emotionally Limited Partner

Broadcast live. Share what’s on your mind and in your heart, even if it’s not a “pure” emotion. Share your inner world, even when it’s uncomfortable or unresolved. Dare to broadcast live, even if you’re sure it’s uninteresting.

Expect pushback. It will take time for your partner to let go of her crown, so don’t be surprised or disheartened if you receive comments, criticism, or corrections. Remember, she, too, fears intimacy, just as you; it just manifests differently for her.

Small steps. Don’t make grand declarations. Keep sharing slowly. With time, it will become easier.

Deep relational freedom requires losing your mature-intimacy virginity. Are you ready to lose your virginity?