Chris Bernholdt tries to teach his kids by example. It sounds like his son has been paying attention.
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My son is a good kid. He sticks up for other people and tries to always do what is best. I try to instill in him that he needs to take care of other people and treat others the way that he would want to be treated. He knows what is appropriate behavior and he knows when kids are going too far.
That’s why today, when he came home from school, I got a little riled up. He told me that some kid on the bus was hitting other kids with his coat and that he knew it was wrong. So, he stood up to him and told him to stop. The fourth grader, “Matt,” said “Shutup you bitch!” He told me in the car, “Dad, he told me to shut up and called me the B word”
Now, I am normally a calm person and I know that kids are going to say things that they pick up from other people, but I honestly just wanted to storm the bus and ask everyone in there who “Matt” was and make an example of him. I wanted to stand over “Matt” and ask him “Who’s the bitch now?” Of course I didn’t do that, but the papa bear in me wanted to, badly. The safety of our children is a thing that you don’t trifle with.
You mess with my kid and you mess with me. It is that instinct that isn’t just motherly but for all parents who protect their young. In the animal world, lions of a den and herds of elephants circle their young and keep them close when there is a threat. I wanted to maul this kid for calling my son a bitch. I can’t imagine what my very sensitive son felt when this kid opened his mouth to call him a name.
Bullies. It’s something that isn’t tolerated in my son’s school, and schools these days don’t take it lightly because we have seen that kids being bullied can lead to terrible stress and anxiety about school when it should be a safe place.
I couldn’t be more proud that my son, a third grader, stood up to a bigger kid and tried to protect the younger kids on the bus and himself. He’s not an aggressive boy. He doesn’t run the fastest, isn’t coordinated enough to hit a baseball every time, and doesn’t jump off of things like most do.
He is careful and maybe too careful at times, but the one time that he could have been cautious and look the other way, he did what most of us would do when we see the weak being attacked by the strong. Up until this summer he didn’t even know what the “B word” was and thanks to some kid at the Norristown Zoo Camp, he was taught some choice swear words by kids that were incredulous that he didn’t know them by now.
I am proud of him for being strong. I would like to think that my staying at home has influenced this side. That he has seen what it means to be a man and caring for others every day.
I have seen the nurturing side in him much more often. He takes care of his younger sisters and they love him for it. I catch them together somewhere with their arms around each other, my 6-year-old so enamored with her older brother that she is often draped over him giving him hugs, and the special bond he has with our youngest, her often following him endlessly asking to play. His patience is something I think I have passed on to him.
How would I have felt if my son got into a fight when I have never been in one myself? While I am 6’7″ and can look intimidating, I have never been in a fight. The times I have been close, my would-be opponent sized me up only to walk away. I have no idea what I would be capable of, but I am glad that I have never had the need to find out.
It is an underlying parenting clause that you want him to stick up for himself but you don’t want things to get out of hand either. We want our kids to be strong, but not overly aggressive. We want them to stick up for themselves and not be pushovers. The way he handled it calmly is a reflection of how I take care of things at home. Be levelheaded. Be firm. Assert yourself.
I followed up with an email to his teacher who talked to the principal. He addressed the entire bus yesterday before the kids were released. He spoke of inappropriate language and his disappointment in some of their actions. Needless to say, “Matt” quickly exited the bus that day. The principal praised the people that stood up for others and said he was proud of them for the way they handled the situation.
As much as I wanted to treat this boy like he treated mine, my son handled it the way we all should react to confrontation. I didn’t need to be the angry bear dad coming to his rescue. He fought his own fight, and I couldn’t be more proud.
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Image: Flickr/Eddie~S
You sound like a pretty amazing father Chris and your son sounds like a pretty amazing kid. I wish more parents would teach their children that you can gracefully and artfully stick up for yourself and others without disrespecting the person who may be disrespecting others.
Thats awesome Chris I wish I had the same experience but sadly I didn’t. Some things wish I had. It’s ok to stand up for yourself – Teachers/parents be very careful with statements like “You don’t know your own strength”, “You should know better”, “Violence is never the answer” what you are teaching the poor kid is that it isn’t ok to stand up for themselves, that turning the other cheek is a good thing and that when faced with violence that defending yourself is bad. It’s a great success story for repeat bullying. When evaluating whether your son/daughter is… Read more »
He sounds like an excellent head teacher.
Chris, good article, kudo’s to you and your son for doing the right thing. He gained alot of respect that day. While the schools are well meaning in their way of dealing with bullies, I’ve come to conclude we’re going at this backwards. Instead of acknowledging that there are bullies out there and then deal with the consequences one by one, which will never solve this issue (kinda like the stupid no tolerance statements) I think we need to get a collective understanding that bullies are folks with a few screws loose which drives them to do the things they… Read more »
The “zero tolerance” rules regardingl bullying in schools in my area are a joke, and are only enforced when it’s politically expedient to do so. My son is a patient kid who has a soft heart, but recently he handled a bully the way he was taught – by beating wholesale ass. Life is hard, and if someone bullies you, and the school won’t do anything to solve the problem, you gotta do what you gotta do. Bullies understand nothing better than receiveing their own medicine. The school has been made aware that I will always have my son’s back… Read more »
Nice, Chris. That instinct to rear up and protect the babies is a hard one to manage when dealing with other people’s kids. Y’all are doing well.
Good dad.
OP: “I am proud of him for being strong. I would like to think that my staying at home has influenced this side. That he has seen what it means to be a man and caring for others every day.”
I could’ve used someone like this when I was bullied by both genders: boys and girls at the same time. Even now, I wish someone like him existed in the world of adults regarding the trauma it left on me.
Either way, keep raising your son to be a great Samaritan (if that’s the correct word) for everyone.
Great story, Chris. You’re doing it right. People need to be taught to stand up, that we are responsibility for the society we create, because we are a part of it. We can’t always change someone else’s behavior, but we don’t have to tolerate it.