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They still love each other but are headed down different paths. They’re making a hard decision for a greater purpose. Have you ever broken up even though you were still in love?
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My sweetheart and I just broke up, except we don’t like that term for us. It doesn’t seem right that two people who love each other, who discuss rather than argue, and who share romance, fun and tenderness can “break up.” We need a better expression for what we did, what we’re doing.
I am an empty-nester eagerly and energetically climbing to reach my goals.
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In the previous month or so, we analyzed, discussed and agreed that our goals are mutually exclusive, so we can only be on separate paths. As I shared in a previous article, John is content with his low-stress lifestyle and wants for nothing much more than what he already has. His priorities are well placed close to home, in being a single father raising his younger two sons. I am an empty-nester eagerly and energetically climbing to reach my goals. The combination makes for a certain level of incompatibility not conducive to what either of us has in mind as a true partnership.
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My choosing an incompatible life partner is nothing new and is at least partially due to my unresolved father issues. Between the notable exceptions of my ex-husband, and now John, I used to pick men who had my father’s qualities more often than not. Sadly, my father was not exactly a good man. He could more accurately be described as a “bad boy” and trouble-finder.
Through some intense personal growth work, I gained an awareness of my unhealthy relationship patterns. I discovered that–in the years since my divorce–I made every attempt to subconsciously reconcile with my father in my brief relationships with men. I had involved myself with men who were active alcoholics and had character traits similar to my father. Alan’s laugh was so much like my father’s that hearing it in a dream startled me awake, both literally and consciously. When Alex walked away without breaking up, I realized that I had once again selected my father instead of a worthy mate.
I began reading The Good Men Project sporadically last year. The more I’d read, the more I would check men–all men–against the title “Good Man.” I would practice awareness that required me to be honest with myself about the qualities of a man that I found attractive as well as our potential compatibility. Were the qualities attractive to me because they were familiar, either reminding me of my father or a previous not-so-good relationship? Once I got honest with myself, I started noticing and connecting with good men in all areas of my life: one teacher, one new friend and client, a couple other good friends… and John.
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John and I met at work eight months ago when I noticed he was reserved, kind, helpful, and soft-spoken. He seemed to be paying close attention to me, not in a creepy way, but clearly demonstrating that he was ascertaining my character, our compatibility and whether I was noticing him. I was. He wasn’t my type; I thought, but somehow I kept observing.
At that time, I was in transition, and he was in a holding pattern of a sort, quiet about the details until we agreed to get better acquainted. John was an inventor awarded a U.S. Patent years ago. His intelligence and creativity intrigued me. I’ve long involved myself with entrepreneurial projects, so this side of him was attractive. It seemed John and I had business potential together if we should decide to devote our resources to that path.
He consistently demonstrated good man qualities yet I kept thinking he wasn’t my type, darn it! One day I came to my senses, realizing that the men who were “my type” were those who were familiar, with qualities similar to my father or men from my failed romances.
John and I took the time to get acquainted naturally over three-plus months at work. The more I learned, the more I liked about him. He was a single father for 16 years with custody of two boys, and the third had recently left home. He had longevity at previous jobs if only to provide for his sons. He was kind and demonstrated compassion.
He had good social filters and appropriate behavior in mixed company. He seemed to be an excellent candidate for the instant grandfather to my young grandchildren. My grandchildren–with their healthy intuition for judging character–warmed up to him right away when we finally agreed to be a couple.
John is a good man in every way that is important to me. Breaking up with a good man is more difficult than breaking up with a man like my father. We communicate, we cuddle, we laugh! He keeps his word; he is helpful, he is kind and loving. He is trustworthy and respectable. He loves me, and it seems nothing is wrong.
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Instead of “breaking up”, let’s call what we’re doing “being mature, good adults who choose to be best friends.”
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The last four chaotic months of my transitional life would have been unbearable without John. He was my rock. My helper, my cheerleader, and my solace. John tells me that while we no longer have a commitment to a long-term romantic relationship together, he will be here for me. I believe him.
This path I’m on to improve my life, to step up to my full potential, is one that John supports for me because he knows my credentials and how I have been working persistently and consistently toward my goals. Although he’s not interested in participating in the activities my path requires of me and my partner, he is thoughtful and generous enough not to impede my progress on the path. Instead, John is being a good man, a good person, and mostly a good friend to say, “I support you and encourage you to pursue your career and will do so from the sidelines.”
Instead of “breaking up”, let’s call what we’re doing “being mature, good adults who choose to be best friends.”
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Sounds like that John is being used as a “cheerleader” for emotional support so the author can go chase the bad boys she craves…
You have made erroneous assumptions to arrive at that false conclusion.
Notice she never really got into a long-term relationship with John. They were just friends. That’s what happens when you’re a “good guy” and hand women your balls in hopes of winning their approval. Women use the Nice Guys to get over the exciting bad boys. John got used because he was boring and followed her lead by waiting 3 months to turn things serious. Out of curiosity, when he was her cheerleader, did he wear the skirt that goes along with it? Even though she rewarded his submission at first, in the end it repelled her, as it always… Read more »
Well listening to your story, it sounds like you have scored a really good friend for life. Now that has to be a good thing!
Hi Dan. Yes! We are and likely always will be! Thanks for reading my story and for your comment.
To love someone is a choice. Choose them, with all their gifts and faults, and keep them a priority in your life over work, kids, etc. Is this settling or making an adult choice not fogged by serotonin and dopamine? Hard to tell. But some other woman will be warming John’s bed in the near future, and he may not be available for your phone calls. Making a decision in your twenties implies that decision is based on poor foundations. You and I are seemingly in the forties. If you did not make the right decision, then make the decision… Read more »
Kent, Thank you for reading my story in The Good Men Project. I’m older than you guessed. John and I are still close friends and likely always will be.
I also broke up with him just bcz i was into what others said to me n everything against him but he never tried to clear the things n now when i have moved on he is trying to come back i have realisd that i can not love anybody else i talked to him once he is still waiting for me but as i hv moved on i cant cheat somebody like that I regret listening to people and not my heart
Thank you for reading my story and for sharing yours, Diya. Best wishes to you.
Hi. Like you, I once ‘broke up with’ a good man. It was not because we didn’t love each other, but we were young and wanted very different things from life. I think I can speak for both of us when I say, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. However, seventeen years later I can look back and see the bigger picture, and know we did the right thing. In the following years we both went on to fulfill our dreams and goals, and managed to share these achievements with each other as friends. We… Read more »
Katie, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m happy for you that you have a good man for your healthy relationship! Common interests and goals make for more ways to spend time together without compromise. Best wishes to you!
Hi I’m not sure I really understood the full story why you broke up. And maybe all the details weren’t here but as a psychotherapist I can’t help wonder if you are repeating old patterns and sabotaging yourself when you have something good. If you are Not allowing yourself to have something good it’s similar to not choosing a good man . I.e. RePetition compulsion.
She’s just doing what all women with daddy issues do: find an excuse to justify dumping a good man in order to throw herself at another douche bag. And they wonder why they end up alone.
Rather a crude response, Ron. If you believe I dumped him then you didn’t read the post.
I believe you are trained well enough to know that *of course* all the details are not here in a 1400 word essay for the public. 😉
John and I are still good friends and likely will continue to be.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Ava.
I have kind of the same dilemma. The problem is we are business partners. I still love him a lot though. I know he loves me too. I want to break up with him because as u said, we are not following the same path… at least not yet. But I am torn because I think he needs me in his life. So what do I do now?
Hi JMar. Yes, it’s tough to make that decision. You say he needs you, but don’t mention if he wants you, nor if you need or want him. Can you imagine if he brings a new romantic interest into the periphery of your business relationship? How would he respond if you were to have a new sweetheart? If you two can be mature, a “just friends” and business relationship can work.
Best wishes to you!
Thanks for reading & commenting!
Great article but you’re still breaking up ?
Hi John! Thanks for reading and commenting. Yes, we broke up back last summer and are still close friends! 🙂
Seems like an old post, so I would first like to know if you could what is the status now?
Hi Ajinkya. John and I remain good friends. We care for one another but are not a couple.
Thank you for reading my article!
Great article, Lisa. It’s so hard to make your mind connect with your heart, and to channel sexual desire in a positive way. Thanks for sharing!
Could your decision to leave this good man have roots in the similar predisposition to chose others like your father? I know that you stated your reasons are for affirmative lifestyle changes on your side, but it also sounds like a passive way to “deselect ” this man. What I mean is, could you be subconsciously rejecting this man and creating space for the father type personality that you gravitate to?
Hi Mark, You are astute in your reasoning. However, in this case, John initiated the discussion to change our relationship. I had been practicing awareness for a couple years with progressive success. I think the short and limited relationships I had with each of my previous two boyfriends (Alan and Alex), each with qualities very similar to my father, made me keenly aware that I was no longer interested in a relationship with a man like my father. But those two consecutive relationships helped me to finally mend my relationship with my father so I could choose a better quality… Read more »
I was going to guess that you were ENFP, and he sounds INTP, yes? I’m an ENFP currently in a relationship with an INTP and I worry our relationship will go the same direction. Not with career aspirations, just with general life compatibility. I know we’ll never stop loving and respecting each other. I think we’re well suited for each other, but we’ll both be logical about the circumstances and that might be the way it ends. It’s difficult and painful to think about.
Leanne, Yes! I am an ENFP. I don’t know if John has ever taken the Myers-Briggs test, but in reviewing the personality traits just now, INTP would be a good guess! (I guess I described him pretty well in my article!)
At least you and I are fortunate to have a good person on our side, regardless of how we choose to proceed. Best wishes to you!
Thanks for reading and for your comment!
I am currently in graduate school in Washington and my “John” is back in Colorado. This is the first time I have been away from him and although it’s been terribly difficult, I’m finding that the sense of independence I’m acquiring is making me realize that I can live life on my own. My “John” plans on moving up here with me next year. Although he has some ideas on what he will do here, he will be leaving behind everything he knows – family, friends, career. I know that he will do it for me because, like John, he… Read more »
Rachel, Thank you for reading, and for sharing your story here. Please know that the compatibility or lack thereof between you and your sweetheart in Colorado has absolutely nothing to do with your worthiness. You are good, smart, beautiful, and worthy of all goodness. He has to decide if moving to your world will enhance his life or complicate it. You just be yourself so he can see the real you and make the decision based on his observation. As far as you welcoming him to move into your world or not, yes, you have to decide, preferably in advance… Read more »
Hi, i have always been a fan of quality articles that good men project publishes. And yours is the one that totally relates to my life right now. I have been with a guy for 6 years now but over the years we have happened to be totally different kinds of persons. Nothing match between us now. Our ideologies and aims differ completely. Even after loving each other, we are on a stage to get separated. But surely it is difficult. But after reading your article, i an being more acceptable towards it. Thank-you for such amazing words.
Tania, Thank you for reading The Good Men Project and my article. I’m glad you found comfort and courage from my story. How wonderful that you had six good years together! Thank you for sharing your story here. Best wishes to you as you move forward.
I loved the story and cud easily relate. I am also a similar kind of gypsy person but dis man in my life actually made me understand the importance of frnshp over sex-focused-love. I am a complete transform today, though we wont b long together but I now trust myself to no longer b a confused lover to smone anymore. I now knw wht love is and hw it feels. I thanks to God to bringing this wonderful person and experience in ma life.
Thank you for reading, Ritu. I’m glad you have things sorted out for yourself. Thank you for sharing your experience as well.
Too young to relate but I heartily respect the decision and the reason. Also, the article expresses beautifully.
Thank you for the compliment, Mridul. Thank you for reading and commenting, also.
Here’s a suggestion…let’s take time, before sex, before we introduce our maybe prospective partner to our kids,and family, to become great friends. Let’s build a foundation of friendship, instead of a foundation of sex. Then, we learn each others hopes and dreams. If we are then compatible, then go for the relationship. We seem to go into relationships from the wrong end all this does is cause heartache, for the couple, the kids, everyone. Why rush?why not take our time,court and build a really great friendship, then, if the descision is made that things won’t work, then Botha hearts have… Read more »
I couldn´t be more agree with you!!
Thank you for reading. I find your comment interesting because nothing I wrote talks about us being in a hurry and certainly does not talk about sex! Maybe you’re just commenting on relationships in general and really not on the article. Which is fine of course! It just isn’t relevant to what I wrote.
I agreed about taking your time. You look at TV shows these days, they have people getting in relationships by the end of the first or second season.