Feminism, the cost of a wedding, and trends in cohabitation have nothing to do with men giving up on wedded bliss. Babble of the Sexes climbs atop the cake for the big day conversation.
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There’s a popular article floating around that claims men have given up on marriage and it’s all about feminism. Apparently those awful women who want equality have ventured too far out of the kitchen and men are taking their ball and going home. Feminism is described by others as the radical notion that women are people but these folks would have you believe you can’t be both women and people at the same time, that “women aren’t women anymore.”
If men have given up on marriage, I have some alternative theories.
The average cost of an American wedding is $26,444 (www.costofwedding.com). That’s a lot of money. When you add to that the $11,244 in student loans and $8,163 in car loans reported by the Motley Fool in January of 2015, getting married is spendy. It’s spendy regardless of your gender. Maybe men haven’t given up on marriage. Maybe they are too broke to participate.
The cost of just being together
When I’m low on cash, I look at things that are important to me and not and adjust my spending accordingly. With a reduced social stigma around cohabitation before marriage, there has to be a personal buy-in to spend the money on a formal, recognized by the government union. In Canada, at any rate, your rights are essentially the same after a prescribed period of time anyways, which is a pretty handy way to save tens of thousands of dollars. I don’t personally need the government to bless my need for a two-car garage, and I image many young men feel the same way.
The times are a-changing after all.
The date of the article being circulated is in 2013. Its findings are very hetero-centric. Perhaps the men surveyed had given up on marriage because they felt they might never be legally allowed to marry—each other, that is. It was not until two years later that SCOTUS would decide on marriage equality. Based on the level of excitement around #LoveWins, it seemed there were a LOT of men who were excited about the prospect of marriage. They likely weren’t deterred by feminists in their enthusiasm.
We can wax nostalgic around the good old days where marriages used to last, but there’s something inherently wrong with assuming that all of those unions should have lasted. There’s nothing to celebrate in socio-economic conditions that forced people to stay in marriages that were unsafe or disadvantageous to their own health and wellness.
I don’t personally think men are taking their ball and going home because women are interested in equality. I think marriage is expensive, has personal but less social relevance from some perspectives and a whole bunch of folks who were very interested in marriage were not considered. After all, a level playing field means you can use that ball to have fun with your teammate (who is not your subordinate because progress).
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Jay:
I’m going to propose something radical. Instead of blaming feminism, I think feminism should be taking the credit. At least partial credit anyway. I think feminism, the LGBTQ movement, divorce rates, and a whole lot of other factors have changed how people, not just men, view marriage.
For years society has defined what it means to have a successful relationship. It is now often referred to as the relationship escalator—that is, a societal defined path of steps from meeting, to dating, to exclusivity, to marriage. Now people are realizing that instead of having society define the rules for them, they can actually choose to define what works for themselves.
And people are doing just that. They are choosing to create relationships that reflect their own values and needs. For some that simply means eschewing the costs, both monetary and emotional, of marriage. They may have every appearance of a traditional, heteronormative marriage without the ceremony or the legal piece of paper. And they are just as happy.
In fact, there was a recent study out of The Ohio State University that says,
“Now it appears that young people, especially women, get the same emotional boost from moving in together as they do from going directly to marriage,” she said. “There’s no additional boost from getting married.”
And, it isn’t just about exclusive, monogamous relationships any more. As people let go of the societal rules many are realizing that they have the ability to have deeply connected and committed relationships with more than one person. All forms of non-monogamy, such as polyamory and relationship anarchy, are becoming more common. They allow individuals to create relationships that are more flexible and don’t require one person to try to be all things to another.
Are we really upset about the decline in marriage?
So it begs this question: if people are choosing different relationship styles, formations, and commitments, who is upset about a decline in marriage? The obvious answer is people who benefit the most from marriage. While it may be argued that everyone may benefit in some way, I think it is hard to dispute that men have benefitted more than women in heterosexual marriages.
Our social system has been set up to give men more flexibility and more power in marriage. It wasn’t even that long ago that men could legally rape a woman as long as he was married to her. Unfortunately that is still true in some places and there are people that still believe it should be that way today.
A recent article by a Christian blogger who provided eight steps to take if your wife won’t have sex. While he says he would never “advocate for a husband to force himself physically upon his wife or to physically abuse her in any fashion,” he is more than happy to suggest shaming her in public and “withdrawing her funding.” Those steps may not be physical force, but I’ll just say that if it walks like a duck…
I see the willingness of individuals to take responsibility for designing their own relationships, and ultimately happiness, as a good thing. Making choices that are authentic, fulfilling and not just defined by societal obligation are what I encourage as a therapist. What better place to do that than in important relationships?
So, feminism, if you contributed to these changes, I offer a big thank you!
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Alison responds:
You raise some really good points. Sometimes “giving up on something” and “making a different choice” are a matter of perspective. I thank feminism for giving me a choice. I know my partner and I are defining our own path for our relationship that makes sense to us.
His one disappointing discovery was that he hoped THIS feminist would be more equitable about sharing the covers.
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Photo: Gustavo La Rotta Amaya/Flickr
Marriage is for suckers. Why would a man risk his wealth and the loss of children born of the marriage.
I wanted a good women in my life, a family children..
At this point I’d rather be lit on fire than date again. I mean that literally,
I WOULD RATHER BURN TO DEATH.
This is how I feel about modern dating. And before you go “look at this misogynist” I’m a liberal (progressive even) good looking tall fit guy with several degrees and many female friends. I just won’t date them. I’m not going to say why, plenty of other posters have already said why.
Western women are becoming less attractive and more agressive and unhappy year on year. Give me eastern women any day over western asshole women.
“They are choosing to create relationships that reflect their own values and needs.”
This is only good if people are actually upfront about it. Instead, I see women randomly drop all communication and change their minds all the time.
Without proper communication, this polyamory stuff is just plain cheating and whoring.
And by the way, the marriage/divorce court is stacked against men. And dating in general makes men do almost all the work.
you are wrong men woke up and see that marriage is a rotten deal for them divorce laws and paternity laws are abject and against men and the sex will start going south the second you say “yes” feminism or not, many women are entitled and selfish, and dating them (not marrying) is already a pain for many of us when the planet is full with smart beautiful and caring women, why the hell anyone will settle for the worst of the worst? my advice to all young men, TRAVEL and marry abroad chances are that: 1. your wife will… Read more »
It’s always entertaining to read articles where a woman attempts to explain why men do or don’t do something. They’re so transparently self-serving, they reveal to men what women really think about them, and confirm men’s decision to pull away from women. The fact is, men are giving up on relationships and marriage. Women realize this, hence this article. Why? Well we could tell you but you wouldn’t believe us, and it would only start an argument that’s impossible to win. You could read articles like this and continue to believe it’s all men’s fault. We actually don’t care what… Read more »
I see the horror this society has become with all of its ‘freedom.’ It’s in a death spiral now. Sex outside of marraige, active homosexuality, lesbianism, transgender, polyamory and the sickening list goes on and on. It’s all about what people want & not what God, their Creator (Yahweh, Jesus and the Holy Spirit) is telling them is best for them. They do not foster a relationship with Him. They do not learn how to listen to the Holy Spirit. They do not allow themselves to be molded by Him. They are ignorant and disobedient. I am in a wonderful… Read more »
F your god.
Yeah, I’m a guy who doesn’t even think he should even bother trying to talk to women at all. Partly because of my mother being a verbally abusive sadist, and partly because my former best-friend picked women up off the streets all the time. Now, I’m 34 year old loner, most likely going to die alone. I’m also a Muay-Thai kickboxer who wants any feminists and lesbians who have actually been assaulted by men in their past, to insult me as much as they can, and piss me off enough to train harder, and become a better fighter, so that… Read more »
Are you kidding me? Great, another article written by a woman explaining why men have given up on marriage. You have no idea what you are talking about. You want to believe this is the case and you are again wrong. Men have watched their fathers, brothers, or other men go through the meat grinder of divorce courts. Every single married man tells you not to get married. It sucks. You lose your freedom, your friends, and eventually your sex life. Every man worth a shit has dated enough women to know you are almost all a pain in the… Read more »
It goes beyond that I have given up dating and any relation. It is not worth it dealing with all the mind games. Not to mention the risk of being sued or all the other ridicules laws. It is a matter of risk vs. benefit. If you have a business where the risk is much more than any benefit nobody will invest in it.
Marriage is expensive but it’s not the initial cost of the ceremony men are worried about. A frugal couple could be married by a justice of the peace and host the event at home or rent a lodge. We’re worried about Oprah and vindictive female friends convincing her she is in an abusive relationship because you can’t read her mind and the subsequent divorce which will take our livelihood and everything we love. Marriage is a raw deal for men.
Exactly. The cost of marriage, especially the initial costs that are mostly for her anyway (ceremony, dress, flowers, cake, ect) can be mitigated. But the long term costs of a wife are far more devastating especially considering the Coolidge effect and the uptick in sexless marriages. Why wife some woman up, just to have her stop having sex after the first year, get fat, then complain that you aren’t as romantic as she wants. My advice is avoid threesomes with the government. As to the author’s points, First most marriages are heterocentric. IF ALL the Gay people in the country… Read more »
You got that right. There is no benefit to men getting married in America and many Western nations. Sure having company and love is great. Sure having children is great. Here is the problem that men get neither. They get to pay for women to NOT give them love and take their children while giving them a bill. Great deal huh?
Isn’t it strange how women and fellow relationship “experts” almost unanimously claim that women like sex just as much as men do? For some reason that paradigm changes after women take a bite of the wedding cake. Why do you think they call it WEDLOCK? After the wedding vows are exchanged, women decide that they have the right to dole out sex the way they see fit. So much for this bull$hit about how much women like sex as much as men. Women who participate in this type of reward vs punishment behavior are defying the will of God.
As I am now too old to be warned away from marriage, I must join the ranks of those others in the comments thread here who take any and every opportunity to warn younger men away from marriage, which has NO BENEFIT for a man, and many liabilities.
In any case, the author is right: its not about feminism, it’s about women. Feminism is merely female nature weaponized by contemporary social institutions. With or without feminism marriage is an unmitigated disaster for men.
I don’t known why men are giving up on marriage, must be the cost of it! Yeah! instead of the obvious outcome of what happens AFTER a marriage doesn’t work out. Oh by the way the standard idea of relationships is outdated anyways and gay guys can get married now so that’s more happy married men, wait what was this anti le about again? Oh who cares let’s talk about this Christian blogger who gives tips pressure your wife to sleep with you again, ugh what an evil person, it’s not rape but it’s like rape because I think it’s… Read more »
This is quite an ignorant article. Saying things like we shouldn’t be so upset at the decline of marriage, embrace non-traditional things like polyamory, “relationship anarchy” (whatever that is) and so on. Are the authors really that uninformed? Above 70% of black children are born into single mother households in America, and they commit more than half the crimes. So many studies show the hugely increased risk of juvenile crime and teen pregnancy due to fatherlessness and longitudinal studies showing much increased risk of mental health problems for children missing an intact family with both parents.
Are you SERIOUS? Marriage benefits men the which is why they’re the ones abandoning marriage.
You’re aware that you’ve contradicted yourself in the most epic stupid way possible with that quote right?
I’ve seen some stupidity from this website but this one tops off the stupid I’ve encountered so far.
THANK YOU! I was thinking the same thing. Why is it that soooooo many of these stupid articles are written by those who never proof read BEFORE posting them is beyond me.
This is the most deceptive piece of garbage ive ever read. What the hell, are you so blind to the major disadvantages men face in marriage. Custody, alimony, how easy it is to be helpless in DV situations, and so many more issues that make it genuinely smart to avoid any woman let alone marry. How, and i would cuss but “thats bad”, can you really write this trash and not look at real issues most pushed by feminists. A Good Man Project my ass this is is such a load of shit i wouldnt use it as tp.
Why does this Jay character think that ALL men are fundamentalist Christians?
Freaking hell! Does anyone still need to ask me why I keep warning male Feminists against ever trying to recruit me?
I’m disappointed that this article didn’t talk about the disadvantages men have in family courts as one of the reasons there is MGTOW. I’m married and I don’t believe in
MGTOW but I do believe there is biased in family courts due to feminist pressure put on the courts in the past. It’s seriously something that needs to be looked at. In the Western Hemisphere, divorce has turned into a big business and in turn has turned into a three ring circus. Men losing their hard earned money is one of the biggest reasons I see talked about in MGTOW.
I believe that societies around the world had a set up for marriage that is very different than today’s norm for a reason. These societies came to common conclusions that the father is the head of the family, and that the women is supposed to be under the leadership of the husband. Most societies had arranged marriages and the bride had to be a virgin. I believe that all the liberations that we have, have destroyed marriage. I believe that when a guy has sex with a female, a bond is supposed to be formed and because now everyone is… Read more »
Why would ANY man who’s still right in his head sign his basic human rights away in an legal contract and legally make him a slave foreve ?!
Right : NONE ! Only brainwashed poor slobs.
I am unable to think of a reason. My mother and some friends tell me I need to be in a relation. I say I need a woman like I need a hole in my head.
As a married guy of 2 decades, I can tell you that I and my friends that are husbands are warning younger men to avoid legal contracts with women at all costs (marriage). It is a financially irresponsible move to sign a marriage contract, risk the welfare of your children to increasingly capricious women and an all powerful gov’t that will rob you of assets and jail you if you get too sick to work or lose your job.: that’s financial suicide and pissing on your God given liberty I wish women the best of luck in the future, thousands… Read more »
I suspect that the figure is far more than “thousands.” More likely, it’s millions, and it’s growing in all English-speaking and western European nations.
I too discourage young men, as much as possible, from marrying. So far I have saved 2 young guys from making this mistake.
Good for them and you for saving them. Marriage in this nation for a man is tanamount to suicide.
This sums up precisely why men lack interest in marriage. .
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samantha-rodman-phd/im-not-attracted-to-my-an_b_9088708.html?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women
This is a very common occurrence with women today
So, I ask again, What sane man would like to be thought of in this manner?
Good link. I dated a woman some years ago who was teaching “social justice”. Right from the beginning she stated to judge and insult me. I ran as fast as I could from her and eventually wised up to avoiding all women in this place.
@FlyingKal – For or against what? My point was that feminism may or may not be a PART of some men choosing to not get married. And, there are many other factors also contributing to people’s attitudes towards and choice about marriage. I think it is great that people are creating the relationship forms that work for them instead of having society dictate those forms. So, IF feminism is having an impact on marriage, I would frame it as credit instead of blame.
@ Jay Blevins, “So, IF feminism is having an impact on marriage, I would frame it as credit instead of blame.” Based on what? If you are unsure if it (feminism) may or may not being having an impact, how does one logically conclude that it is “a credit instead of the blame?” Personally, I do not feel feminism is the blame for the demise of marriage or even the rise in the divorce rate for 50+ year olds…What IS troubling is the high percentage of women who are opting to file for divorce. It warrants further study. I find… Read more »
It’s not just marriage though. A lot of men and woman have opted out of relationships entirely. Of course if you’re not in a relationship by definition you won’t be married.
‘I think it is great that people are creating the relationship forms that work for them instead of having society dictate those forms.’ I think I’m going to puke. It’s not a thought exercise anymore. Your libertine side won. Now we have a culture of chaos, pain, isolation and on the verge of colllapse. When this culture stopped being guided by christian morals and ethics the train came off the tracks. Later stages of Feminism and especially ‘the pill’ did more damage to this culture than anything. Women could act unnaturally like men. One of the consequences being 50,000,000+ aborted… Read more »
@Jay,
Bottom line, what are you really arguing for, or against?
If, per your argument, the ability for a man to subject his wife to sexual or economical extortion or rape, is or was a significant factor in the decision for men to get married, is it then really a bad thing that the marriage rate is on the decline? And for whom?
@Dave – Divorce wasn’t intentionally avoided. In fact, I had started writing about it and cut it due to space limitations. I absolutely agree that divorce is a barrier to marriage. Given that less relationships are lasting for a lifetime, the cost and mess of untangling a marriage is high. But again, that just supports that it is PEOPLE choosing to not marry and for many different reasons.