LeBron James is going to Miami. This is a big freaking deal. Here’s why.
The best thing since The Drew Carey Show has left Cleveland for Miami. Whether or not you agree with the decision or the process itself, LeBron James’ choice of where to sign is almost as big of a deal as he thinks it is. Let’s look at some of the consequences…
1) Obama still has a shot to win the next election
The President is a sports fan. We all know it by now. He truly is a great competitor as evidenced by his clearly-not-rigged victory against Clark Kellogg in a game of P-O-T-U-S.
Aside from playing, though, the President doesn’t shy away from giving his opinion. He’s great at picking all of the top seeds in the NCAA Basketball Tournament, but he took a risk a few months ago when he suggested that James come to Chicago. If LeBron chose Chicago, President Obama’s chance of winning Ohio in 2012 would’ve been the same as me finding a way to combine oil and vinegar. Now, though, LeBron is the enemy in Cleveland and the President’s sins are forgotten. “The Decision” swung the 2012 election.
2) Any decision now deserves a ceremony
If choosing a basketball team deserves an hour-long TV show, then all other decisions deserve some kind of ritual. When I choose between turkey and ham, I’m podcasting it. Boxers or briefs? Live-blog. Orange juice or apple? Twitter. Should I breathe though my nose or my mouth? At least a ceremonial coin flip.
3) Deadspin will implode
The occasionally brilliant and quite often hysterically funny sports blog is currently tumbling inward through a cloud of hatred and homophobia. I’d like to find out what’s happening over there, but I’m afraid to look. I don’t want to get sucked into the black hole. Deadpsin, come back to the light! The beer is better here. We swear.
4) Miami becomes the first monarchy in the United States
Massachusetts? You thought you were cool being a commonwealth and all? Well, you’ve got nothing on Miami now. There is a king, a freakin’ king living there. Oh, he’s not a real king, you say? Look, he even says so himself.
5) LeBron James will be poor
This whole “The Decision” thing seems a little self-indulgent on the surface, just a little. The real decision here, though, is about a contract. James will presumably sign a six-year deal. By doing so, he’s condemned himself to poverty.
Juli Weiner at Vanity Fair says that the National Inflation Association is urging LeBron to only sign a three-year deal. Based on the new NBA salary cap, his purchasing power will decrease all the way down to $11.76 million by the final year of his contract. Forget about being a billionaire, there’s no way royalty could even live off such a measly sum.
He may have swung an election, altered the course of human behavior, destroyed a website, and created a monarchy within a democracy, but the real story here is the ultimate self-sacrifice LeBron James has made.
A little self-indulgent? And BP was a little careless with their little spill. I hope Pres. Obama makes sure LBJ is audited.
@Tom: The difference is KG and Ray have an entire 5 man roster to physically win a championship. I’m scared for our country’s transition from democracy to aristocracy.
Don’t forget ‘Global Warming’. He has certainly raised the freaking temperature in FLA.
Okay I was on an island in a lake near the ocean in rural Maine with very spotty coverage. And yes I will admit it at 9 pm last night I was frantically trying to get signal to figure out what the heck the guy was going to do (despite early reports that it was Miami). Little did I know the global implications. All I know is I felt used and like an idiot. The only good news is that he seems to have been trying to follow the path of KG and Ray Ray, my boys.
Don’t forget that Florida has no income tax. He might just scrape by in Miami.