Everyone is different and all relationships are different as well. But, one way to get a good start on a relationship is by making sure you and your partner have a secure attachment style. Your attachment style has a lot to do with whether your relationships work or not. But attachment styles are formed when we are babies. Does that mean we cannot change our type of attachment style? Not at all. With the right help, anyone can change their attachment style from an unhealthy one to a healthy one so you can have better relationships. So, what are attachment styles?
Four Types of Attachment Styles
There are four types of attachment styles. The healthy style is called secure attachment and it refers to someone who is self-assured, confident, and tends to seek out relationships with people who also have a healthy attachment style. The three types of unhealthy attachment styles include the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, avoidant-dismissive attachment style, and disorganized attachment style. Those who have any of these attachment styles are usually easy to spot because they do not have long-lasting or healthy relationships with anyone, tend to be insecure or even antisocial, and some may even be abusive, selfish, or aggressive.
How to Know
However, sometimes it is not easy to recognize someone who has an unhealthy attachment style, and you may find yourself in a relationship with someone who is not who you thought they were. It is possible that those who really want a relationship can hide their “bad” qualities in the beginning of the relationship so they can get and keep the person’s interest. But these types of qualities are not easy to keep hidden and will eventually come out. And by the time that you realize what is going on, you are already in love with them and don’t want to just give up on them. There are ways to get help so that you can have a healthy relationship together.
Anxious-Preoccupied Style
An unhealthy attachment style can ruin a relationship quickly or wear it down over time. For example, with the anxious-preoccupied style, you may think it is cute that your partner is jealous when the waitress or waiter is extra friendly to you. And when they want to be with you all the time, you may just think it is because they like you so much. Then you might start wondering when they start skipping work or other responsibilities to be with you. Or when they throw a fit if you have to go to work. Eventually, you will see that their attachment is unhealthy for both of you.
Avoidant-Dismissive Style
Those who have an avoidant-dismissive attachment style are typically easier to spot, but not always. This type is just about the opposite of the anxious-preoccupied style. They tend to be insecure and even shy, which you may find endearing at first. Maybe you think they are just being “hard to get” or trying not to be too pushy at first. Their aloofness may just seem like a new relationship thing and that they will get more easygoing as you two get to know each other better. However, when you notice they do not want to talk about their feelings (or yours) and seem to be uncomfortable when you try to get closer to them, you will realize that you need to do something.
Disorganized Attachment Style
This type of attachment style is usually pretty easy to spot. Those with a disorganized attachment style typically do not have very good relationships with anyone. They may not get along with their family, coworkers, and even you sometimes. They may seem moody one minute and loving the next. A lot of times, these individuals have a problem with drugs or alcohol. You may be thinking, “why would I ever get in a relationship with someone like that?” Well, oftentimes, these people have picked up the talent of showing their good qualities until you are more invested, and then they let you see who they really are. Unfortunately, these people can be aggressive or even abusive, so it is important to get help if you find yourself in a relationship like this.
How to Create a Secure Attachment
A relationship counselor can help both you and your partner if you both want the help. If you want to stay together with this person, it is important to get them the help they need. It is not easy to learn how to create a secure attachment after so many years of living that way, but it is possible. There are many counselors who can help you focus on healing, build self-esteem, and learn how to have a healthy relationship together. The first step is getting your partner to see that they have an unhealthy attachment style. That can be the most difficult step and if they do not want to see it, they will not be able to change. But once they are able to see the problem and want to get help, online relationship counselors can help immediately. No appointment needed and you don’t even have to leave your home. It’s easy and you can do it on your phone, tablet, or laptop. Just take that first step toward a healthy relationship and you will soon see things change for the better.
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