Communication and the Passive-Aggressive Partner

The power and control wheel tells a circular story of ways an abuser uses tactics to keep control of a relationship. Whether the relationship with a partner, with their children, or parents, does not matter. The concept of creating a power struggle is to win. In reality, the power and control wheel only offers a glimpse into a person’s behavioral patterns, which may or may not effectively hurt a family member.

Abuse comes in many forms, as the wheel indicates. However, abusive behavior goes deeper. The triggers a victim experiences often ramps up the longer they experience abuse or remain with a partner who uses the various tactics. Often, they have been in the relationship far longer than they want, however feel powerless to leave. The powerlessness comes from confusion on their part instilled by the abusing partner or parent. Sometimes, the inability to leave is more about the fear of the unknown.

The tendency to become more violent over time increases. A partner who feels they are losing control of the person, becomes more dominating. Sometimes, the interval shortens to a three-day cycle, where the targeted person gets confused more often and cannot think clearly enough to make a choice to leave.

A person who faces mass confusion, fear, and uncertainty feels diminished in their psyche. The passive-aggressive techniques are then used to stymie any attempts at independence. A person who uses them, begins in subtle ways, slowly increasing the tactic, as power is gained.

The explanation is clear, even if the emotions are cloudy and you might feel some doubt that your partner may be using passive-aggressive tactics. Some of the key indicators are described as:

You have a feeling something isn’t right.
You want to point it out.
Except, when you try to plan how you will point it out, you tend to get confused.
You cannot seem to pinpoint the exact behavior you ‘feel’ is happening.

The reason: Passive-aggressive communication and tactics are used to divert the thinking mind into a reactive mind. When you play the game, (even unknowingly) you keep the cycle in process.

Passive-Aggressive people slickly brush off blame. You react, and they are the misunderstood victims. They win on two counts, so they gain attention twice and dump anger on you, to boot. IF if they are not totally aware of how and why they behave as they do, its a well-rehearsed outcome that achieves results.” (Murphy & Oberlin, 2016).

Another tactic used includes ignoring the partner. The sting of rejection runs rampant when we feel ignored. The dejected, sad emotions emitted from someone who is willingly ignoring you tends to build up resentment.

The cloud of detachment in relationships creates a sort of tension. The person targeted tolerates only so much silence until they snap. A defensive snap is also part of the process of control. Once a controller has you reacting, they feel justified in calling you the abuser. Once you have danced their dance, they have control over you once more.

Non-abusive couples, experience negative behaviors from time to time. We shy away from direct, interrogative statements and questions. The more damage from your childhood, the more abandonment issues, and the more attachment-formed behaviors you experienced in the past all come to the front at some point in the relationship.

Look for the links they have in their chains and stop providing the locks to hold them in place.

What to do? Instead of wallowing in the self-destructive patterns and continuing to perpetuate something, which can become abusive, stop playing the game.

Find areas in your life you do enjoy. Deliberately increase your positive focused directed behavior toward self-growth. Begin to slowly remove yourself from the passive-aggressive behavior focused person. Build your world so rich with goodness and positive actions, which protect you like resiliency factors when the avoided negative based person begins suspecting something is up. For they will, when they don’t get the response or recognition they demand.

Find a support system, whether in counseling, or group work. You’ll be stronger when you have a safe space to process the stories in your mind and experience. Use the tools suggested by those who have walked the path. Build a world of kindness around you and begin to have self-compassion for you. Look at the behaviors you use in relationships and stop anything, which builds up resentment.

Behaviors, which are not partied with cease to exist. You can’t argue with a brick wall. Now, I am not saying play the passive-aggressive game back at the partner. No. The brick wall means you don’t cave in every time the partner starts their patterns. Look for the links they have in their chains and stop providing the locks to hold them in place.

Note: And, by all means, if you feel in danger, please seek assistance.

One of the essential elements to growth and freedom from someone who exhibits passive-aggressive behaviors is to find activities and hobbies you love. Begin to build into your life behavioral activation to increase your strength and focus. Soon, you’ll be able to reduce contact with negative people and start a world where you’ll feel accepted and loved.

Either people will grow with you or they will increase their power and control behaviors. At the juncture, you’ll have to make a choice whether you want to endure the behaviors, or change your role in the relationship.

I wish you a passive-aggressive free day!

~Just at thought by Pamela

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Previously published on medium

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