This comment is from lisa on the post “In Praise of Small-Breasted Women”
The thing is, when you’re a woman, you receive thousand upon thousands of coded messages to you every day telling you that your looks are all the matter and that you are unattractive. They’re on TV, on the Internet, on Facebook joke and ads, on subways, on public toilet ads, in stores, on magazine racks. These messages also tell you that you only matter if you can attract a man, and you have to compete with other women, who probably have a physical advantage (bustier, thinner, blonder, etc.) to do so. Guys don’t really process these messages, because they aren’t direct at them. They think, “Oh that’s a hot chick on that billboard,” and go on with their day.
On the flip side, as a woman, you’ll find yourself in a situation where a man is approaching you with an uncomfortable level of sexual entitlement. Trucker might see you dancing to a song in your car and leer and lick and smack his lips at you. A homeless bum might tell you how he intends to perform a sexual act on you. A group of teen boys might lean out of their car and say, “I’d like to like your pussy.” You get ogled, you get unwanted gropes. One of my unwanted gropers was a serial rapist; he followed me around campus and I had to file sexual assault charges. It did not stroke my ego. I got subpoenaed 10 years later to testify in actual rape case against him.
So, yes, women are sensitive to these issues. I hope you can give us a break. We want to be respected as fully human; we want to make sure we aren’t just reduced to our body parts, and we also don’t want to feel like we have to buy a million products (go on insane diets, get plastic surgery) to be perfect enough to enjoy our sexuality.
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Photo: jessicamullen / flickr
I do believe that men are damaged by these ideals… they internalize the “coded messages” because they rely on that culture to tell them what they should think is attractive! Most mens outward, public expressions of desire have nothing to do with what they actually find attractive, as anonymous pols have shown time and again. People are too ashamed to admit to friends or the public that desire comes in all different colors, shapes and sizes except the typical rare movie star or model definition of beauty- they feel it “devalues” them somehow, in others eyes, if they ask for… Read more »
…”coded messages”…if this isn’t a key male to female difference then nothing is. Men in general will never receive coded messages. We seem to have missed receiving the secret decoder ring somewhere in childhood. Women on the other hand are the uber analyzers of everything. See “What Women Want”…
To me it seems like a curse, but it may be a gift. Probably a little of both. If you disagree I would like to hear why this isn’t generally true.
Men do receive these messages – again, the site has a whole section that talks about men and body image.
“On the flip side, as a woman, you’ll find yourself in a situation where a man is approaching you with an uncomfortable level of sexual entitlement. Trucker might see you dancing to a song in your car and leer and lick and smack his lips at you. A homeless bum might tell you how he intends to perform a sexual act on you. A group of teen boys might lean out of their car and say, “I’d like to like your pussy.” You get ogled, you get unwanted gropes.” That’s because sexual harassment and sexual assault are not about sex,… Read more »
“Guys don’t really process these messages, because they aren’t direct at them. They think, “Oh that’s a hot chick on that billboard,” and go on with their day.” Actually guys do process these messages. They say that’s what a hot chick should look like. To some extent that has changed a bit. You now have more guys preferring the “thick” female. I don’t know if that coincides with the rise of digital media and the internet. You see more normal women ion Facebook pages. I’m not from that generation so still prefer them “thin”. I’ve probably already been socialized that… Read more »
What happened to my post
At the same time, who is empowering this media by following it, buying and watching it?
Most people are. As the article says, this message is everywhere, and it’s hard to avoid paying for it in some form – voting with your dollars works better if you get good options to choose from as well as bad ones. For instance, as a feminist who likes action-adventure movies, I end up having to choose between (1) movies that objectify women and/or portray them as incompetent bimbos, or (2) movies that simply don’t *have* female characters. I’d prefer (3) – movies that have at least one female character and she is portrayed as an actual character rather than… Read more »
Cry me a river!!!
Do you think women are the only people receiving these coded messages? Are there not hundreds of magazines about men’s fitness, pictures of handsome, physical specimens? Throw in the messages about being rich, handsome, smart and it’s a wonder anyone ever finds true love!
The article doesn’t say women are the only ones with body image problems – this site has a whole section devoted to men and body image. But men and women don’t have the exact *same* body image problems, so they may need to be discussed separately.
There is a simple reason for this kind of message: money.
Everyone tries to convince potential customers that they are not happy, so they must buy XYZ, go to XYZ or use services of XYZ. To make you haaaaapy.
Convincing women that they need another purse, dress, longer legs or bigger breasts is part of the package, just like advertising to kids is meant to brainwash them into thinking that they NEED another toy and that that one toy will surely make them cooler, prettier and whatever.
One of the most common thing I hear from young women these days is that it’s other women mostly who are judging women so harshly over how they look. Makeup, fashion sense, it seems to be a big competition.
Although I can recognize the behaviours your are pointing out, I am really sick and tierd of being categorized as a man whom because I am born of a the masculine gender, shoud excuse himself for being a man with needs. I am not the stereotype you are attacking, and most men are not like that, and even the men who are, are as much damaged by the ideals you are pointing out as you are. Have you ever thought about that these kind of ideas that you are promoting through your comments, make men ashamed of their sexuality. I… Read more »
you missed the point. completely.
“Guys don’t really process these messages, because they aren’t direct at them. ” Guys generally receive the message that “Chicks are hot, guys are not” in a sort of objective sense (not just from the point of view of heterosexual guys, but from everyone). That guys are not good-looking or pretty, lest they’re in the top 99th+ percentile (Johnny Depp level looks). While your average woman is considered good-looking, provided she’s generally thin and not too old. I’ve heard girls being told they’re pretty and cute and sexy all my life. While being invisible myself. Then I transitioned (I’m a… Read more »
I’ll add that “generally thin” is very attainable. It’s the sort of thin that everyone has. It’s “not a big belly” thin. Not supermodel thin.