What Does It Mean To Love Yourself?

My relative and I were at an art gallery when we ran into a mutual friend, a psychologist. He began showing a few of us a new art app on his phone that adds effects to photos. He took one of me, applied the effects, and I said, “Wow, that looks great. I really like it.”

My relative turned to him and said, “Can you do something about how much she likes herself?” I answered, “I’m pretty sure professionally he thinks me liking myself is a good thing.” As she turned and walked away, he and I looked at each other and shook our heads.

It took years of therapy for me to actually learn to love myself as much as I loved others. It’s something most of my therapy clients in my private practice have to learn to do, too. Here’s why it’s so difficult, but also so necessary, and some things you can do to love yourself more.

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Have you tried to express love to the people in your life while anxious or depressed? It’s possible but extremely difficult.

Studies show most anxiety and increasing depression are a result of perfectionism, and the critical inner voice that goes with it. That critical inner voice, which usually but not always originated with a parent or caretaker, makes it nearly impossible to love yourself. The critical inner voice creates anxiety and exacerbates depression because it doesn’t make you feel loved.

Do you wonder whether you have an inner critical voice? Begin to notice how you talk to yourself inside your head when no one’s around. What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake? What about when you feel confused or distracted? Are the unbidden thoughts and phrases positive or negative?

My guess is many of the automatic comments you make to and about yourself are negative. Children tend to remember and repeat the negative things said to them, even after they’re grown. Make a mental or physical list of the negative phrases you repeat to yourself.

Ask yourself, “Would I say the same critical, hurtful things to my child, partner, friend, that I say to myself? Would I call them stupid? Would I tell them they can’t do anything right?”
If the answer is no, why do you say those types of things to yourself since you wouldn’t say them to other people, especially those you love? Why aren’t you as worthy of love as the people you love?

If the answer is yes, and you do say some cruel and deprecating things to others, it’s a sure sign you’re also saying them to yourself. Usually, you’re saying even worse things to yourself. Either way, the critical voice keeps you from loving yourself or anyone else fully.

Self-love is the pathway to all love. All the avatars and spiritual leaders say so, as do all mental health professionals.

Some people who don’t love themselves feel that they do truly love others. And they do love, but not in the best and deepest way possible. Loving yourself opens you up to more connectedness with and caring for others.

What about the people you love? What do they experience from you if you don’t love yourself? There’s always something missing. They can feel confused by your inability to accept their admiration and respect along with their truest love.

Look at it from your loved one’s point of view. Your dislike of yourself is actually an insult to those who love you. They see the lovable you and your inner critical voice disparages their love.

There’s a genuineness that’s present when someone loves you who also loves themselves. They’re less critical and judgemental. They’re more open and vulnerable. They’re more trusting. They’re honest with you and themselves with compassion. They don’t say horrible things to you.

How do you become someone who can love others fully because you fully love yourself? Start with recognizing the negative things you say to and about yourself. When you catch yourself saying something negative, consciously change it.

Do what therapists call Inner Child Work. Put a photo of yourself as a child somewhere you can see it daily. When you start to beat yourself up verbally and emotionally, go look at yourself as a child. Do you really want to say those things to that precious little one? Would you if that child were physically there in front of you?

Practice saying nurturing things to the child in the photo. I placed my photo in a prominent place in the main room. Walking down the hall one day, I called myself stupid. As I entered the room and saw my four-year-old self in her ruffled dress, I apologized to her. I told her she wasn’t stupid, she was really very smart, and I loved her.

Some of my clients get dolls that look like them. They hold them and say loving, nurturing things to them.

Using either photos, dolls, or placing the imaginary child in front of them, I have clients actively counter the negative messages they heard as children. They are asked to forgive themselves for childish mistakes. I explain that children have no filters, so whatever the caretaker says, the child believes literally. As adults, those unfiltered thoughts haunt us.

Also practice really hearing and believing the loving, positive things people say to you. My therapist had us reply, “Thanks, I like that about myself, too.” It feels weird at first, but surprisingly most people react positively to it. I’ve had some laugh and when they do, I explain my therapist told me to do it, and why. It’s another way I spread the love.

While we may find it easier to express our love toward our Inner Child, we also have to love the adult. We’ve lived through our own successes and failures. We’ve had lost opportunities and have stopped ourselves from doing the right thing more than once. We’ve also stopped ourselves from doing the wrong thing more than once. We’ve done good, right and inspirational things.

Some of us do good on a daily basis, even if we haven’t always done good. It’s time to recognize the good you do, believe those who tell you about it, and acknowledge your worth. You also have to forgive the things you haven’t done well, things you’ve done that weren’t right, or things you could have done but didn’t.

Would you forgive your child, lover, relationship partner or friend? Then, once again, you can’t truly forgive until you forgive yourself. Therapy or spiritual practice can help you do that.

If you want to love and forgive others in a way you haven’t experienced before, do it for yourself first. It will show in your attitude and actions. Not only will you love more deeply, but those who love you will feel your love more, and respond in kind. That’s what happens when you love others as you truly love yourself.

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This post was previously published on psiloveyou.xyz.

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