How To Fix Your Relationship — When Goodbye Isn’t an Option

You must have heard that relationships strive on communication but what do you do when you’re both communicating and still you seem to be unheard? Maybe you’re struggling in your relationship because you can’t seem to figure out the best way to communicate or you’re just holding on to the hurt the other person must have caused you in the past.

Especially when they don’t seem to be entirely aware of the level of pain they’ve caused you and that could be because they feel hurt as well. So when you try to communicate to them that you’re hurting, they seem nonchalant and sometimes irritated. They may say things like “what do you want from me”.

I’ve been asked that question on several occasions, and oh, how I hate it! Especially when you’re trying so hard to be heard, to be understood but still, the other person feels like that’s too much. It’s easy to walk away when there are no obligations to stay but what do you do when it a family member or someone you deeply love and saying goodbye isn’t an option?

Over the years, my relationship with my mum has been pretty rocky. There has been a lot of hurt between us and it often showed up as emotional outbursts. But just recently, I decided it was high time it stopped. Not for anyone else but for myself because I found that being at odds with my mother was somehow stealing my joy and I needed some peace in my life so I had to make some changes in the way I relate with her. The good news is that ever since I started doing these things, I noticed she reciprocated (like a mirroring effect). You could try them out as well and see if it works for you.

List Your Differences and Meet Half Way

I noticed that one very important reason why my relationship with my mother wasn’t all that strong was that we had very little in common. For example, My mother is religious and I, not so much. Our conflicting opinions usually led us into constant arguments and misunderstandings. But one day, I decided to do something different. I wrote down all the things that we usually disagree on and took out the time to make little researches on those things to see if maybe I’d be able to see her views. I didn’t! At least not really but I found that doing so helped me understand her thinking patterns and understanding those patterns helped me know how to better relate with her. I knew the kind of things to share with her and the things not to.

Learning about the views or beliefs/culture of the person you are in a relationship with lets them know you respect and care for them enough to want to know more about the things that matter to them. That, if you ask me is one of the kindest gestures ever. When you take the time to better inform yourself on their interests, I bet they’d no longer feel overlooked.

Sacrifice the Win Sometimes

It feels like a big win whenever you’re right about something especially when you feel like you’re usually overlooked. So every now and then, you have this innate feeling to be right but in a relationship where the other person feels exactly the same, being right isn’t always best.

When the communication is beginning to seem like a shouting match on who needs to be heard the most, sometimes it’s okay to be the bigger person and just let go.

At this point what I do is, I start to agree with the other person. Not necessarily on things I have strong conflicting opinions on — because that would mean cheating myself— for those, I’d politely say “Okay, I get that’s your opinion”

But for the lighter topics, I’d say things like “ now that I think of it, I think you’re right” or better still, I’d stick to just saying “okay”.

Doing this doesn’t mean you’re afraid to speak up, it could mean, you just don’t think being right or proving a point is worth risking the relationship or better still your peace of mind.

In any relationship, you find yourself, it’s very important to always remember that every individual is unique and we can’t all think alike or have the same level of awareness on various issues and topics, it’s important to take it easy on yourself and others.

…be the change you want to see in the world —  Mahatma Gandhi

Imagine being in a relationship where you both are bitter against each other, that’s not a good place to be. For many years, I had held on to the things that I thought my mother did or did not do that she shouldn’t or should have done. My dissatisfaction with her parenting style sort of built up this anger in me that would often show itself in the way I spoke to her. I’d often sound uninterested and sometimes rude.

I noticed that she would also do the same because, well, you get what you give. But as I said, I was done fighting with her. I needed some peace in my life. The moment I realized that I could change the rhythm of our relationship if I treated her better, I got some amazing results. I saw that the saying, “be the change you want to see in the world” could also apply in relationships. People often treat you the way you treat them. You can’t keep sowing rudeness and expect to reap kindness.

Final Words

I could go all “girl power” or “manpower”(if thats even a thing) on you and tell you, if the relationship isn’t working, work out, But that isn’t always good advice because no relationship is perfect. You’d hurt sometimes, and so would the other person. It comes with being human. That shouldn’t always have to mean ‘The End’. Only you know the importance of that relationship and only you can decide whether or not it’s worth saving.

As of this year alone, over 18miillion people (and counting)around the world are dead. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to go all dark on you, but I think it’s important to let that sink in. The people in your life aren’t going to be there forever. So if you can, try a little harder.

• Try to meet the other person halfway by learning more about their interests and respecting the differences.
• Try to do away with the need to always be right.
• Try a little kindness because it can heal the deepest of cuts.

These days people tend to have a lesser patience with their relationships. It doesn’t have to that way. When you know you’ve tried all you can to save the relationship but it still isn’t working, then you can decide to quit but the most important thing is Trying.

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Previously Published on medium

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Photo credit: by Everton Vila on Unsplash