Because of You

I’ve only dated two people in my life: The first broke my heart, and the second healed the ache.

“The first is always the hardest,” they say. That may be the case, but I have never experienced hurt like that before and I hope I never have to again.

There are so many ways to view the breakup now looking back with a clear head and a sober heart. Being drunk on the pain, I never accounted for the fact that I would have to turn back to this and not only learn a lesson, (try 9 for that matter), but there would be some significant changes my emotions and thoughts would go through.

Listen, I know no one can make me feel what I feel about it but me, still I will always be emotional over it. I feel like the pain will never completely go away. Because of him:

I will always second guess someone’s love for me.

Even when the evidence is overwhelming, I will never be able to believe it completely in my heart and my mind will always find reasons why it’s not real.

I will always wonder why.

Why I couldn’t make it work. Why we didn’t fit together the way I had always imagined. Why I lost you.

I will always feel like I’m not enough.

And thereby constantly question my current partner’s intentions with me and whether they’re truly satisfied with their relationship with me.

I will always have doubts about true, unconditional love.

I’ve doubted its existence ever since we broke up.

I will always be a little broken.

Not completely, but just enough to always be reminded of you for the rest of my life.

What’s most important for me to remember is that my hurt pales in comparison to the bounty I’ve reaped in dating my current boyfriend. Because of him:

I will never feel unaccepted.

I know I always have a person to be my goofiest and silliest with. He will never judge me.

I will never have a dull moment.

He makes me laugh 100% of the time, even when I’m mad. I know we can always go on an adventure and do things that we both enjoy, even when we have no money.

I will never feel lonely.

Because he never leaves me alone. Haha.

I will never be forgotten.

He always puts me first and makes sure I’m taken care of above and before anything or anyone else. He makes his decision with me in mind and hasn’t given me a reason to doubt he does things with the best of intentions.

I will never go to sleep sad.

Knowing that I have someone who is so totally and completely for me fills me with so much joy. It makes me feel whole.

There are many reasons I could continue to wallow in sadness over my breakup, but I try my best to focus on the good that has come out of it: the best being my boyfriend that I have now.

It’s true what they say, the grass really is greener on the other side.

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Previously Published on medium

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