Give Love, Without Expectation

Love is truly a beautiful thing. In both receiving and giving, the concept is one that all of us desire. However how many of us give of ourselves without expecting something in return? Is love a simple transaction, or should the inner feeling of deep affection be one of a more selfless nature?

I express and receive love in a variety of relationships. Firstly with my partner, followed by my family and then with my friends. In all three of these relationships, it has taken time, effort and a whole lot of energy to maintain and grow. And whilst this process has been wonderful, it’s only up until recently that I’ve come to a better understanding of what love should look like from my end.

For a long time, I used to mentally keep score and tally the good things I’d done for someone else without anything in return. I can’t specifically remember when it started, but I do know that it turned into both a great sense of pride, as well as viewing my relationships in a negative light. The more I gave and expressed love, the more I expected some sort of award, trophy or grand favour in return. This was an extremely unhealthy pattern of behaviour that I found myself in.

In the first two years of my relationship with my partner, this pattern was very much evident. It didn’t greatly impact or even influence the relationship, but I began to grow resentful over time the more I kept score of my “Acts of Love.” At times (especially during fights) I would seamlessly list off all the good things I had done and left space as to signal … “You’re not doing the same.” This grew tiresome for her and in reflection, was so far out of line.

As time went on, I increasingly found myself being hurt by the relationships I was in. And not hurt because of something horrible the other person had done, but because of very small and insignificant things. I slowly began to recognise that maybe there was an issue inside of me, surely not all my relationships were bad ones. I began to engage in a process of self-discovery and self-improvement, which is still in effect to this very day.

What I began to see was that in all of my relationships I had been giving and giving believing that I deserved the same response in return. I had failed to understand that not everyone expresses love the same way I do, so how could they return love in the same way! I also failed to see that all relationships have their ups, downs, and everything in between. It cannot always be a perfect union, especially with two imperfect people in the mix.

I stumbled upon a quote by Bob Goff which says:

“Selfless love is always costly; fear can’t afford it, pride doesn’t understand it and friends never forget it”.

Reading this gave me a lot of clarity on my shortcomings. My pride especially, in keeping score and tallying up what I had given could not understand the concept of selfless love. My partner, family and friends were and still are wonderfully kind, loving and caring people. However, I failed to see that through my selfishness.

I began to start being more intentional with giving and expressing love. Intentional to not keep score, tally or count the “good things” I’d done. I have now been on that path for over three years. And whilst I am still growing and developing I can truthfully say making the change has been so worth it.

My relationships are now so much more fruitful, beautiful and I am both seeing and experiencing them in a vastly different light. Giving love without expectation shifts my focus from me to the other person. It allows me to see their needs, support their journeys and give of myself not because I want something back, but because I truly love the other individual.

In this personal story of mine that is still being written, I have found life to be far more rewarding when I Give Love, Without Expectation. Give Love, Without Expectation.

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Previously Published on medium

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