Everyone knows how shiny new relationships are. We expect to feel the excitement, lust, and the need to be around the other person constantly. We start out navigating our new relationships by putting our best feet forward. We may try to hide our negative side. Our good parts glitter like diamonds for the other person to reflect at us.
Limerence, the space which includes all the intense romantic feelings you have for the other person, doesn’t last forever. It only lasts long enough for us to push our own needs aside for our romantic partners.
The biggest problem of being in limerence is trying to please the other person so much that we forget it’s okay to be “selfish.” It’s not selfish to focus on yourself and your needs before intertwining your life with another person. It’s responsible.
Too many people move in with the other person or get married before the limerence is over to discover that what they wanted was different than the relationship they ended up having. Add in collective assets and children, and if the romantic relationship ends, your relationship doesn’t. When you have kids with someone, you’ll have a relationship with that person for the rest of your life in one way or another.
How can we navigate limerence so that we limit our regrets?
Know ourselves. Personality tests, love language tests, and attachment style tests cannot supply all the information we need to know about ourselves. Those tests can help us understand ourselves and others better in all of our relationships. When we grasp our needs, the easier it is to express ourselves in relationships.
Know our boundaries. We learn boundaries by experiencing all different kinds of relationships, not just romantic. When we hold ourselves to consistent boundaries for all relationships, it allows space to be comfortable and authentic in every situation.
Learn to communicate. Take an interpersonal communication class, read up on communication styles, and learn how to “argue” without attacking. All of this information is free to find on the internet. The sooner you find constructive ways to communicate your needs, the easier it becomes to explain your needs and boundaries to the people in your life.
Listen to our intuition. Quite often, our inside voices tell us what we need to know. If a relationship moves too fast, our bodies tell us by giving us anxiety or other cues. If the other person fails to respect our boundaries, we need to step back and think about our needs first. Sometimes that means disengaging from the relationship, and that’s perfectly okay. You’re not obliged to spend time with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured.
Have friends, interests, and hobbies — and keep them. Sharing activities with other people feels good. It’s even better when you have so much in common with your romantic partner that you spend most of your time together. BUT. It’s critical to have a space where you remember who you are as a person, separate from your loved one. If you go to coffee once a month with your friends, keep that time together without your significant other. Encourage your loved one to do the same.
When you keep your separate space, it allows you to grow as a person. Growth in relationships is necessary for couples. It gives you both things to talk about beyond everyday items. Individual activities help maintain interest in your romantic partner and keep things fresh. Most importantly, it gives you a break from limerence to focus on your interpersonal life without your partner.
Regrets happen in life, but it’s possible to minimize relationship regrets and issues if we do the following:
- Know ourselves
- Know our boundaries.
- Listen to our intuition.
- Learn to communicate.
- Have friends, interests, and hobbies — and keep them.
Life isn’t static, and neither are relationships. The more we practice interpersonal skills, the better relationships we can all have. No regrets.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Everton Vila on Unsplash