The number one ingredient to a successful relationship is communication.
According to Alvernia University, there are 4 types of communication styles.
Passive
Passive communicators tend to bottle things up and cause miscommunication in relationships. They act indifferently and tend to yield more to others. They are most likely to avoid confrontation.
Aggressive
This type of communicator is more obvious. You may have met an aggressive communicator. They have intense eye contact while speaking in a loud, demanding voice.
Passive-Aggressive
These communicators use passive communication styles on the outside, but inside they feel they lack power in the situation. They’ll build up resentment and indirectly act out rather than confront the situation.
Assertive
The most effective and “healthy” form of communication, assertive communicators, has an open communication line while not appearing to be too overwhelming. They find it easier to speak their mind openly.
Assertive communicators can express their own needs, desires, ideas and feelings, while also considering the needs of others.
The Clash of the Communication Types
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Unfortunately, regardless of your communication style, we will all clash at some point. A passive-aggressive communicator (like myself) may find assertive types to seem too “knit-picky” or overly confident about their thoughts and ideas.
Of course, I won’t say anything because I don’t want to seem confrontational or come off as a know-it-all. So, I bite my tongue and keep it to myself.
Aggressive types will find passive types too much of a pushover, or — even worse — they will find them easy to manipulate.
Regardless of the way we communicate, we all have a breaking point. Each threshold is different, and how we communicate it will be different.
Even those who “have no preference” and seem “laid back” lose it.
What do you want for dinner?
Where do you want to go tomorrow?
Who should we invite to the party?
How many….
“I don’t care!”
What are possible breaking points for these communication styles? Let’s start with pet peeves.
Pet Peeves
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Something that a particular person finds especially annoying.
Have you ever ended a relationship because you found the person annoying?
They may have habits that are your pet peeves.
They ate too loudly. They were messy. The way they drove pissed you off. Perhaps they snore. Maybe they’re lazy.
What if you’re convinced this person is the one? Pet peeves and all. Do you leave them because you can’t get past them, or do you find the annoying little tidbit endearing because you love them so much?
Regardless of how you feel about it, the peeve will eat away at you. You’ll argue, and your pet peeve will be an even bigger problem than you originally thought.
So, how do we work through this?
To err is human.
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The best thought you can put into your head when faced with annoying little habits that happen to be a pet peeve of yours is that we are all human.
We all have habits that we can’t seem to break unless we’re actively working on them. If you haven’t mentioned to your partner that what they’re doing is annoying, how can anything change?
I’m passive-aggressive (as previously mentioned), and I have a LOT of pet peeves, mostly to noise because I’m extremely sensitive to sounds. I lose sleep because of this. Literally, a turn of a doorknob would wake me.
That being said, my husband snores. I tried passively pushing him over in his sleep, pushing him awake, and even telling him. What could he do about it?
I told him to go to a sleep doctor. The result? He has sleep apnea and was given a mask. He’s working on getting surgery because he has a deviated septum.
This was a “fixable” situation. He was tired. I was tired. Something needed to change.
To change or not to change
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Do you really want your loved one to change? You need to look deep down and see if it’s a “make-or-break” problem.
How would I define a make-or-break problem? An addiction is an example of an extreme problem—a change for the better. Laziness can also be a pet peeve that is a problem too big to look past.
I’m not talking general laziness. When I say lazy, I mean they have no motivation to better any part of their existence.
Now that I’ve mentioned some extremes. Let’s look at some peeves that are just that, a peeve.
Leaving their clothes on the ground. How do I handle this? (Because I have a three-year-old and a 36-year-old to clean up after). My passive-aggressive attitude is to leave the clothes and never wash them with the laundry. If I’m cleaning the floors, I put the pile on his pillow.
Why?
Because a) I’m honestly unsure if he plans to wear it again because he says they’re “clean” b) because I’m a passive-aggressive b****.
He’s passive-aggressive as well, but he’s also not extremely mindful of his actions. I guess it keeps our relationship interesting.
That being said, I find my ways around it and pick my battles.
It’s not always worth getting upset about if it’s such a small thing.
Be Realistic
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Say this person has made changes. They pick up their clothes. Help clean the dishes; whatever is bothering you, they’ve become mindful. How would you feel then?
If you find that you still are unhappy, perhaps you need to look inward. There could be underlying issues that you’ve buried underneath these pet peeves.
The relationship does not necessarily have to end over pet peeves. It could be in your best interest to discover why you’re unhappy in the relationship. You need to love yourself before you can love others.
Unless you’re truly unhappy with the person as a whole, and the pet peeves you hide behind are an indication that you’re ignoring the bigger picture.
Takeaways
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Know and understand both party’s communication types
If you don’t understand how you communicate, think about it. How do you express yourself, and how do you take in information?
This is key in knowing how to approach problems within the relationship.
Is it worth an argument or discussion?
If your day-to-day is being interrupted by their habits and your pet peeves, it may be worth bringing up.
If you can move throughout your day, then leave it alone — for the time being. You can bring it up when it bothers you, then leave it up to them to be more mindful.
Who needs to change?
How would a change affect the relationship? Would you be a better person? Would they be a better person? Would things, in general, remain the same if they stayed the same?
Be realistic
This is most important. To be realistic about the situation. If you’ve evaluated everything I mentioned above, if the person you are with changes and becomes more mindful, what then?
You may need to consider if there is an underlying issue you’ve piled underneath the pet peeves. Maybe there is a change within yourself you need to make before looking outward.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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