Weird Things Calm Me Down

I am an overthinker. Well, that is my diagnosis. But I know for sure I am overly sensitive or feel just too much. When I am down, I feel like the earth has swallowed me up that I could die. I feel like I am outside myself and nowhere. When I am up, it is like I fly away. I feel filled with a kind of joy that can only exist in heaven.

I’ve adapted to talking to myself almost every minute of the day to be present with myself and not fall into the chaos of life. That’s one of the ways I maintain balance.

However, sometimes it does not work. I need more than a talk-down affirmation, I need something else to feel relieved and back to my relaxed state, and there are weird things that do that for me.

Sniffing shirts, handkerchiefs, sheets, or anything cotton.

I don’t know how this started, but my earliest memory of sniffing, I was 10. An aunt of mine once told me that I used to like sniffing towels when I was one. That I’d cry and they’d give me a towel, I’d sniff it and stopped crying. My mum once saw me doing that and told me I was surely cursed.

In Primary school, I’d sniff my collars even during class but had to stop doing that at school. My friends thought I was covering my nose because they had bad breath, and trying to explain to a group of teenagers that I was doing it to feel good wouldn’t fly.

No one knew about that habit of mine in high school. I put it under lock and key and sniffed only when I went to bed. My sheets were my drug then.
In college, I did it openly. Honestly, I didn’t care then. I needed it too many times. I had a lot going on, school, boys, sexuality, my future career, and the sniffs worked out. My roommates thought that was weird, and they remind me time and again. They know I stopped now that I’m older.

My partner knows. He thinks that it’s more like eating shirts. He teases it when I do it, but I’m not sure he understands how much of a coping mechanism for me that is. My mum still wonders why I still do it at my age, a mother of 2 still sniffing.

I can’t explain why but I’m so used to it. I need it. I carry a handkerchief with me to sniff and only sleep in cotton beddings. I feel calm and altogether when I do it. Especially when I’m down, I sniff my shirt. It’s like a breath of fresh air and accompanied by some folding of the cloth.

Do you know a support group for cotton sniffers?

Eating stones.

Yes, you read that right. Eating stones calms me more than the sniffing.
My first memory of it, I was 16. But even then, that was dried cement that I ate. It tasted earthy, and that taste made me feel at peace. I didn’t do it so often as I did now.

My first pregnancy increased my intake, and my second blew it up. Here in my country, we can buy these stones easily, and they’re very cheap. I found a good seller for only 10cents per stone. I take bites every day.
When we were having issues with my partner, the stones got me through it. A bite a day or two seemed to quiet me down and have me feeling calm and composed.

By this time, I know I’m addicted to them. I’ve tried stopping to no avail. A week is the longest I have gone without eating. Even thinking about them, brings such a strong desire in my mouth, and I make sure I will have a way to eat them.

No one knows how much they affect me. Eating stones is common where I’m from, especially for pregnant women. I also found out it might be Pica, but whether that’s true or not, I can’t give them up yet.

Now, I’ve decided to embrace these peculiarities in me. I don’t know whether I’ll stop or not but for the moment they work very well for me.

Do you have weird things that calm you down too?

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Previously Published on medium

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