People who believe in destiny, soulmates, the-one, meant-to-be, and following your heart over your head are less likely to form and maintain fulfilling lifelong relationships than those who believe in growth. Growth beliefs hold that relationships develop over time and are strengthened through the trials of overcoming problems.

“People with a growth mindset experience various positives such as greater relationship and sexual satisfaction … A growth mindset has also been found to reduce the risk of a relationship ending.” — Gery Karantzas.

Professor Raymond Knee at the University of Houston found that we can have both destiny and growth mindsets and that such beliefs fluctuate over time. However, having solid beliefs either in destiny or growth will reflect your success in relationships.

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Destiny v. Growth Mindset.

The destiny mindset or soulmate theory believes that satisfying relationships are destined and that there is only one or a limited number of partners you’re meant to be with.

The growth mindset or work-it-out theory believes that relationship satisfaction takes time and work and is possible with any number of people so long as they are willing to build on the relationship together.

Studies find that having a destiny mindset is harmful to relationships citing three dysfunctional beliefs:

1. Having an aversion to disagreements.
2. Expecting partners to read their minds.
3. Believing a relationship was destined or ‘meant to be’.

Such beliefs lead to relationship dissatisfaction because a person might avoid disagreements or avoid working on them either to maintain the destiny illusion or because of the idea that destiny will work it out. Unmet expectations of destiny and mind-reading also led to dissatisfaction.

People with destiny beliefs are satisfied in their relationships when their partners match their vision of an ideal partner and relationship. However, they tend to have higher conflict relationships and are more aggressive in response to ostracism.

Destiny believers don’t tend to work on their relationships as hard as those with growth beliefs and may overlook issues, possibly accepting things they otherwise shouldn’t. They also have lower sexual satisfaction and suffer more significant depression and anxiety through sexual difficulties than those with growth beliefs.

Growth beliefs are beneficial to relationships because they:

1. Use effective problem-solving skills.
2. Have more compassionate goals.
3. Cope better during difficulties.
4. A greater sense of self and relationship well-being.

Photo by Chen on Unsplash

People with growth beliefs are more likely to work through difficulties and feel stronger about their relationship and closer to their partners through facing challenges.

People with growth beliefs report greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than those with destiny beliefs, particularly when facing sexual difficulties. Research shows connections between people with growth beliefs last longer, are more satisfying and have a greater capacity to change and grow over time.

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Single people with destiny beliefs are more likely to engage in casual sex than those with growth beliefs. People with growth beliefs, particularly women, are less likely to have one night stands and will take time before deciding whether or not to take relationships further.

A single person with growth beliefs is unlikely to ghost another person and will overlook incompatibility in favour of taking time to get to know a person. Growth believers will face challenges before considering ending a relationship and are more likely to remain friends with their ex-partners.

During the dating stages, a person with destiny beliefs will ghost another person they’re no longer interested in and may quickly end a relationship with somebody who is compatible but doesn’t fit their idea of compatibility or a soulmate.

Destiny believers do not tend to remain friends with their ex-partners and are also more likely to end a relationship when problems arise without putting in the time and effort needed to work through them.

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It would be nice to think that our partners were meant-to-be and that destiny will work through our problems, but like anything worth doing in life, putting the time and effort in makes it all the more worth the journey.

We’d save a lot of time, energy, and sometimes heartache if destiny could guide us to the one, and we can get on with life doing whatever else it is we’re meant to do.

However, you choose to navigate your relationships, whether with a destiny or growth mindset; I hope you do so with all the fervour and dedication that you’d want in return.

Thanks for reading.❤

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.

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