Ask For Help

After Christmas, I walked up the pathway at my favorite park in Torrance. It was a sunny, chilly morning. A little Korean girl strapped in her protective helmet on her new white scooter and rode down the walking path. Perhaps, her Christmas gift. She rode with her older sister, who was also wearing her helmet and riding her brand-new white scooter. Very cute stuff.

The little girl stopped on the walking path. She said, “Hi.” She let me pass. I smiled, “Hi.” I passed her and her sister. They both glided down the paved walkway.

I caught up to them as they stood at the top of the hill in the park. The older sister gleefully rode down the hill. The apprehensive younger sister stood atop the hill. The little girl called out to her sister in Korean. She was afraid. She asked for help.

The older sister rode back up to her sister on the hill. They huddled up. The older sister glided down the hill. The younger sister rode measuredly downhill using her left leg as a rudder, a brace, making her way down. She screamed with joy. At the bottom of the hill, the sisters continued their ride on the bike path. After all, it was a nice sunny day. Not a school day. Just saying.

The little girl was afraid. She suffered. She asked for help. She got help. She moved on. The wisdom of the child.

Often as adults, we don’t ask for help. Albeit for no good reason at all. We’re ashamed that we need help. We might look weak or broken. We’re too proud to ask. We might look bad, look stupid. We think, “Oh, I’ll figure it out.” Yet, we do the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again, and fail. We’ll opt to suffer.

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Perhaps, it’s time to ask for help. Get over ourselves. Aikido Founder Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s only me against me. We’re our GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponents. Again, just saying.

About 6 years ago, I fell into the abyss of my clinical depression. After being laid off from a job that I loved, I found a new job. For over 25 years, I had worked as a Satellite Systems Engineer on Government Programs. My new job was in an entirely different field. I was excited, thinking that this new job was an opportunity to make a difference in the world.

That soon unraveled. The business intentions and practices undermined. Well, they did at least for me. That feeling of betrayal, of not being good enough resurrected my unresolved childhood trauma in my relationship with my Dad.

After suffering a little too long, I asked for help. I got referrals for therapists. Some were good. Some not so good. Finally, I asked my therapist Lance for help.

Over the years, I worked with Lance to heal my childhood trauma and depression in looking at my fear of Dad. Werner Erhard said that looking at what we fear is frightening. Yeah, no shit. So, I looked at my relationship with my Dad, looked at what I feared.

I brought to bear what the late Mizukami Sensei had taught me over our 25 years in Aikido, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei generated the space in which I was okay as I am. I put in the work. Put in the time. Practice. Just train. That’s what I did with Lance to heal myself. I just ground it out. NBA Hall of Famer, the late Kobe Bryant said, “I have a problem with people who expect to be great, but don’t put in the work.” It was time for me to put in the work to heal me.

Working with Lance, I gained compassion for my Dad. No, I don’t forgive him for his cruelty and unkindness to my Mom, my sister Carol, and me. I forgave him for being imperfectly human. I forgave myself for being imperfectly human, too.

Ironically, Dad and I were so much alike. We were both scared as hell. I was scared as hell as a little boy never knowing what I did or didn’t do that made Dad angry at me. Dad was scared as hell, not knowing how to raise me, how to be a father.

Throughout my own trials and tribulations, I learned to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. Cheryl Hunter taught me the Japanese aesthetic wabi-sabi: There is beauty in our imperfection. Life is imperfectly perfect. Amen.

In Buddhism, the First Noble Truth is that there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. Ask for help. We all need to sometimes. Grind it out. Keep putting in the work. Love and forgive thine own self, too. Just saying.