A Secret Insider’s Guide To Being the Best Partner Ever

I received a recent comment from a fella who scoffed at a piece of relationship advice I shared. In it, he loudly proclaimed that “no man should ever take dating advice from a woman.” I happen to think this is counterintuitive. Sure, if he’s not looking to date women, he should disregard that bit, but if you had the option, wouldn’t you want insider information that might help your goals of successfully dating?

If the answer to that question is no, then keep scrolling; you’re not likely to find this useful. But if you’re curious, stick around, and let me know if you agree or not (and why).

While each of us looks for different traits that turn us on or make us tick, there are a few nearly universal desires women seek when it comes to our romantic relationships.

Here are the qualities and actions most women really want (and some tangible ways to implement them).

We want peace and someone who makes us feel safe (emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially). This will mean different things to different people, so earnest conversation will illuminate what that means specifically to her. We want someone who enhances our busy lives, rather than piles more to-do tasks into it. Someone who cares about our physical and emotional well-being, and puts forth the effort to find out how we want to be loved (and then follows through). We want someone to pay attention to us, who genuinely listens and who is comfortable sharing and being vulnerable. We want someone who supports us when we are sharing and being emotionally vulnerable. We want a teammate to stand next to us and take on the challenges of the world alongside us. We want consistent, reciprocal effort. We want authenticity.

This might look like both partners fully owning and pitching in with household duties, including laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, cleaning, or yard work.

It’s fully-clothed cuddles without tv or devices interrupting, where we can share what’s weighing on our minds, and know that you’ve got us.

It’s pep talks when we are doubting ourselves because you see the best in us — just as we see the best in you — and you’re reminding us of our strength. And it’s allowing us to pep talk you when you need it.

It’s allowing us to feel safe when we are at our most vulnerable, and trusting us with your vulnerable moments too.

It’s making an effort on birthdays and holidays to show us you were thinking of us and care. (You’d be surprised at how many women I’ve talked to who filled their partner’s and children’s stockings at Christmas, but didn’t get a single thing in their own stocking in return. Something so little, but speaks volumes because it makes them feel neglected or unimportant. It’s truly not about what is in the stocking; It’s simply that their partner made an effort. Or didn’t.)

It’s planning dates here and there — and happily going along when we plan them — as a reminder about how the relationship started and how necessary one-on-one time is.

It’s gratitude expressed, apologies offered, and effort given. And it’s not that difficult to do when you truly care.

Before I get complaints that this feels like a lengthy and detailed list of what we want: Just know that we offer all this in return. And shouldn’t we hold out for the same effort from our person that we are willing to give? Shouldn’t we wait for someone who will match the volume and velocity at which we love?

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Previously Published on medium

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