It’s counterproductive and soul-crushing.
Living with the idea that whatever you do, someone out there is doing it better.
From the time we’re children, we start comparing what we have or what we do to what others have and do. It’s how we make sense of who we are and our place in the world.
It’s a common way for people of all ages to evaluate themselves.
The Social Comparison Theory was first proposed in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger and suggested that people have an innate drive to evaluate themselves, often in comparison to others.
Later research showed that those who compare themselves to others do it regularly and while it can be used as a motivator, it may also lead to lower self-esteem, remorse, or self-doubt.
Festinger believed that we engage in this comparison process as a way of establishing a benchmark by which we can make accurate evaluations of ourselves.
For those that have a weak sense of self, this can be a life-long hurdle that only gets more insurmountable with time.
“The only person you should try to be better than is who you were yesterday.” — Unknown
To start, there are two types of comparisons and it’s helpful to identify your tendency.
Evaluating them and recognizing a familiar trap might help you avoid a hit to your self-esteem and keep you from feeling like you’re never going to measure up.
Upward comparison
Simply put, this means we are looking at those we perceive to be better or more successful than us. This mode of comparing ourselves to others can be a motivator. If a friend has had great success getting in shape, it might push us to really focus on our efforts to do the same.
We are inspired by the comparison and tuned in to what we can do to attain success in the same way.
There are cases, however, when you may be discouraged by those who are better at a skill. This could keep you from pushing ahead or giving up.
Tip: If you are positively inspired by others, keep up the upward comparison but stay focused on the fact that you are unique. Don’t let others’ success lead you to an unrealistic goal. You may be able to attain the same thing you see, but it may take a different approach.
Downward comparison
This happens when we are looking at those we deem as worse off than us. This mode of comparison is used to make ourselves feel better about our abilities.
We may not be great at something, but it’s a comfort that at least we’re better than someone else.
In other words, we look to those who are better off when we need the inspiration to improve and those who are worse off when we need to feel better.
Tip: Downward comparisons can be a slippery slope. It’s ok to be proud of how far you’ve come, but too much of this type of comparison can lead you to become arrogant and complacent, which can keep you from setting new goals.
The direction of the comparison doesn’t guarantee the direction of the outcome. Both types of social comparison can result in negative and positive effects.
How social comparison can help
Friendly competition is healthy and can be a great motivator. Studies show that it can be effective in pushing people to do more than they would have alone.
Seeing others’ successful activities generate more desire to participate in the activity for ourselves.
The sense of socialization offers up support and encouragement.
How it can hurt
Social comparison can also make us feel worse. This can happen when we make the mistake of comparing to those who are masters or highly skilled in a trait.
It’s important to understand that everyone has a different set of life circumstances that lead them to where they are today and the abilities they have.
Staying mindful of those differences and not allowing envy or resentment to take over will help keep you in the right state of mind.
Theodore Roosevelt called comparison the thief of joy. He may have been right because while comparisons can motivate people to improve, they can also create resentment as well.
Recognizing the social media trap
It can be easy to see how images of perfection in others’ lives can have a negative impact on how we view ourselves.
But it’s critical to remember that people are never inclined to share their failures or sub-par skills. You’ll never see their shortcomings or failures on display.
They share the best of what they have to offer. It may even be edited for effect.
On the flip side:
While social media often gets a bad rap for promoting negative self-image, there are also cases where the opposite can be true.
When we are happy, feeling hopeful and positive, and are able to enjoy images of that, it can actually help keep us on a good track and feeling good about what we are doing in our lives.
Instead of worrying about what others’ life reel looks like, pay attention to how sharing positive activities can help you be in a more joyful state of mind.
The bottom line on social comparison
It’s normal to engage in social comparisons. We all do it.
There are times it can make us feel better and times it can harm us and lead to negative results.
The determining factors revolve around who we are and who we are comparing ourselves to:
- We are each born with our own skills, strengths, and set of circumstances
- Our success or failure is in no way determined or limited by those we’re comparing ourselves to.
Helpful Tip: Focus on gratitude
Living in a state of appreciation for what we have achieved and remaining hopeful that we can continue to grow and improve our lives can get us whatever we desire.
Gratitude can be difficult, especially when we are afraid or feel like life has left us behind in some areas.
But there is evidence that focusing on gratitude leads to higher levels of optimism and diminishes the negative effects of negative social comparisons.
Tips to developing gratitude:
- Make a daily list of 3–5 things you’re grateful for in your life.
- Don’t repeat an area or specific situation (don’t list off each child or each good thing about work)
- Be consistent in a gratitude journaling practice and challenge yourself to think of different things; health, family, job, home, friends, creativity, skills, habits, etc.
- Use abstracts. For example, rather than being grateful for a specific thing, focus on a time: “When I reflect on some of my darkest financial times, I realize how fortunate I am now”.
- Reframe the negative. When bad things happen they can stir up feelings of disappointment and frustration. This may make it hard to focus on the positive when everyone else’s life seems to go according to plan. Grateful recasting, or recalling a positive part of a negative event, has been proven to heal disturbing feelings or old negative thoughts.
While social comparisons are completely normal, too much in any direction can be harmful.
Take a moment to understand where you are in your life and your own life circumstances, seek out ways your circle of friends and socialization can help you stay positive, and have an attitude of gratitude.
It will pay off.
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Previously Published on medium
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