.
.
When we meet someone we feel excited about, “love bombing” can feel like everything we’ve ever wanted. Someone we’re attracted to showering us with intensity and attention who is also happy to introduce us to their close friends and family . . . let’s be honest, it feels really good.
Life suddenly transforms into our very own romantic movie. Sure, the pace of it might feel a little rushed and intense . . . but isn’t that what happens when you meet “the One”?
But then, like clockwork, it happens. The texts stop coming in fast like they used to and we feel them pulling away until eventually, as quickly as they came, they’re gone.
The harsh contrast between the avalanche of attention they gave us in the beginning and the cold one-line texts we’re now receiving can leave us in a state of withdrawal, wondering whether any of it was even real.
This might sound familiar to you . . . it’s certainly a story I’ve heard over and over. But why do people do this?
Be sure to watch right through to the end and write down the three keys I share with you that will help you navigate early dating traps. These will help you automatically sift out the love bombers so you can just focus on enjoying the process of dating people who share a healthy mindset and an open mind to finding a real relationship.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
they want to come in and make you fall
00:01
in love with them as quickly as possible
00:03
because that’s where they get their
00:04
validation and once they feel validated
00:07
once they feel like ah i did it i made
00:10
them fall for me look how wonderful i am
00:13
it’s confirmed they can then move on
00:16
[Music]
00:19
love bomb or a love bomber is someone
00:22
who comes into your life
00:24
and immediately has an incredible
00:27
intensity
00:28
about them
00:30
they shower you with
00:32
praise
00:33
and attention and affection
00:36
and maybe even something that looks like
00:38
love
00:39
they want your time your energy
00:43
maybe
00:44
they do things very quickly like
00:46
introduce you to family maybe they
00:49
immediately give up their whole week
00:51
they want to see you every single day
00:54
they want to know where you are all the
00:56
time because they miss you
00:58
it’s someone who is very grandiose in
01:02
the beginning you may even feel
01:05
in the beginning with this person like
01:08
the pace
01:09
of it makes you slightly uncomfortable
01:12
and
01:13
the reason it’s called love bombing
01:16
is because someone comes in and drops
01:18
this bomb but then they disappear just
01:21
as quickly when they’re done
01:23
and that’s what so many people
01:25
experience is the pain of feeling like
01:27
they had something that was so intense
01:30
and felt like it was so important and it
01:32
really felt like it was going somewhere
01:34
very quickly
01:35
and then as quickly as that person came
01:38
in and showered you with that affection
01:40
they disappear
01:42
so
01:43
what do you think about this
01:45
steve what’s what what do you think that
01:47
people need to hear about this who have
01:50
either suffered from it
01:52
or
01:53
don’t want to fall prey to it
01:55
i think the first thing for me and this
01:57
is a topic that’s always
01:59
strange for me because i don’t think i
02:00
understand the psychology of guys who do
02:03
this
02:04
is it ego why would a guy shower someone
02:07
with tons of attention and
02:10
pronouncements of love and lavish them
02:12
with attention
02:14
if they didn’t want to actually be with
02:16
them
02:17
well i think there’s a there’s a
02:20
a generous interpretation of this and
02:22
also a less generous interpretation and
02:24
i think that they’re not always the same
02:26
person so if i were to take the most
02:28
egregious kind of love bomber it would
02:32
be someone on the spectrum of narcissism
02:36
somewhere who
02:38
really enjoys
02:40
someone falling in love with them they
02:42
want to come in and make you fall in
02:44
love with them as quickly as possible
02:45
because that’s where they get their
02:47
validation that’s what makes them feel
02:50
good so it was never really about
02:53
loving you
02:55
it was about giving you
02:57
overwhelming you so much
02:59
with their affection and how wonderful
03:01
they are
03:03
that you fall for them immensely and
03:07
they now feel validated and once they
03:09
feel validated once they feel like ah i
03:12
did it i made them fall for me look how
03:15
wonderful i am it confirmed they can
03:18
then move on but see like i’m human
03:20
that’s one person i’m human i like that
03:24
attention i like that validation and i
03:26
totally get that it’s nice when people
03:28
are attracted to you but maybe this is
03:30
my own avoidant tendencies coming out
03:32
but i would be worried
03:34
if i go too far in over
03:37
lavishing someone who i’m not that into
03:39
with attention and stuff
03:41
they’re gonna feel really attached and
03:43
it’s gonna be really messy to get out of
03:46
that and you know if i suddenly
03:49
change my mind or if i decide this isn’t
03:51
the one for me i’m now have created this
03:54
scenario where they think we’re in love
03:55
and we have something special and i
03:56
think oh god i’m really in it now
03:59
well i i think you’re being unkind to
04:02
yourself there steve because i think
04:03
that that’s a sign of having a moral
04:06
compass
04:07
because
04:09
for those without a moral compass
04:12
they don’t see it as a lot of work to
04:14
extricate themselves from that situation
04:16
they just say i’m never gonna text them
04:18
again i’m just gonna disappear i’m now
04:20
gonna ghost them essentially
04:23
because that’s not
04:24
something that you would ever default to
04:28
because you realize that for you
04:31
extricating yourself from something like
04:34
that means carefully untangling it in a
04:36
kind way
04:38
and you know the amount of work that
04:40
would take
04:41
you don’t want to put yourself in that
04:42
position in the first place but someone
04:44
a lot of people don’t have your
04:47
that
04:48
that moral
04:49
compunction
04:51
that you would have in that situation
04:53
but that that’s one kind of person and i
04:56
say it’s the most egregious kind for
04:58
exactly that reason because they have no
05:00
conscience about disappearing as fast as
05:03
they came into your life
05:05
the second kind of person
05:07
is someone who really
05:10
enjoys the idea
05:13
of falling in love it’s not just about
05:16
them being loved by you as a way to feel
05:19
important
05:20
they truly
05:23
enjoy
05:25
that feeling that high because falling
05:28
in love is this it’s a drug right it’s a
05:30
literal drug
05:32
so
05:34
i’m i’m going in to enjoy the high of
05:37
that drug
05:38
not to build something
05:40
sustainable
05:42
when it gets
05:44
to be
05:45
real effort when it gets to be that i
05:48
actually have to
05:51
put some work in some structure when i
05:54
have to wake up and
05:56
continue to put in effort with this
05:58
person to love them
06:00
and the high in that same dizzying
06:04
way is no longer there
06:06
the the drug has worn off to me and i
06:09
and and it doesn’t feel how i think it’s
06:11
supposed to feel anymore
06:12
so then i move on and that suggests
06:16
not it certainly can suggest a kind of
06:18
selfishness still but it perhaps more so
06:21
suggests an immaturity
06:23
and an unevolved
06:25
perspective when it comes to what a
06:27
relationship actually is
06:30
so for that person i would argue if we
06:33
could broadly say
06:35
the first person shows narcissistic
06:38
tendencies the second person
06:41
shows a tremendous amount of immaturity
06:44
and lack of awareness about what a
06:46
relationship actually is yeah and then
06:49
i think you have the third
06:51
category of people quick interlude to
06:54
the video whether you are trying to
06:55
improve your relationships this year
06:57
your relationship with yourself your
07:00
career your health your habits we all
07:04
need confidence to achieve our goals and
07:07
this month back by popular demand we are
07:10
doing the 30-day confidence challenge we
07:12
did it twice last year with amazing
07:14
results for people i went through it too
07:16
and really enjoyed it and we’re all
07:17
going to do the same thing this month to
07:20
get this challenge for free and be part
07:22
of it with me and my tribe go to
07:23
mhchallenge.com
07:26
the link is also in the description i
07:28
can’t wait to see you there back to the
07:30
video there’s a
07:32
chet baker song steve i fall in love too
07:35
easily
07:36
i fall in love too fast
07:39
i fall in love too terribly hard
07:43
for love to everlast
07:47
and
07:48
when i hear the lyrics of this song i
07:50
hear the third person
07:52
and the third person is
07:55
it is the person that immediately
07:57
projects onto someone
08:01
everything
08:02
that they want in their ideal person
08:06
as soon as they feel a hint of chemistry
08:10
they immediately start to take the five
08:12
percent they know about someone
08:15
and fill in the other 95 they don’t know
08:18
with their fantasy
08:21
what’s the movie jameson weird science
08:23
is that the
08:25
whether where the guys the two the two
08:27
geeky guys build their dream woman
08:29
as a computer
08:31
you know as a as a robot you know and
08:33
and they design their what they think is
08:35
their dream woman well i think that
08:36
people do that right they
08:38
they design in their head their dream
08:41
person based on
08:43
the small amount they know about someone
08:46
and they fall hard and fast for that
08:50
projection
08:51
and then when someone doesn’t live up to
08:53
the projection because how can they
08:57
they now
08:58
feel like this must not be the right
09:00
person after all and this is still a
09:03
kind of lack of awareness about perhaps
09:05
a kind of relationship immaturity
09:08
and it’s a lack of understanding i
09:10
believe
09:12
of
09:14
of how
09:15
so many people who come to be in strong
09:18
relationships
09:20
actually end up in strong relationships
09:24
the this idea is kind of
09:27
born out of this societal
09:30
myth of love at first sight yeah is it
09:34
kind of shiny object syndrome shiny new
09:36
object syndrome
09:38
well i i think it can be but in a way
09:41
that falls a little bit into the second
09:43
category right that i i’m
09:46
it’s exciting as long as it’s exciting
09:48
as long as it’s the drug high but i
09:50
think in the third category of people
09:52
the projection
09:54
it’s
09:55
it’s about that first that love at first
09:57
sight myth that i’m supposed to meet
10:00
someone and be absolutely bowled over by
10:03
everything that they are instantly and
10:06
that’s the indicator of whether
10:08
how much potential this has and whether
10:10
we’re going to go the distance
10:12
and that’s incredibly
10:14
dangerous because anything that feels
10:17
that good that fast has the potential to
10:20
let us down because so much of it is
10:22
based on emotion it’s not based on
10:24
true compatibility because we can’t
10:26
possibly see true compatibility at that
10:28
stage
10:30
but
10:31
in addition to that it’s
10:34
neglecting and i think a lot of people
10:37
genuinely don’t
10:39
understand this about so many couples
10:42
it’s a lack of understanding that love
10:45
grows
10:47
love doesn’t start
10:50
love grows
10:53
you
10:53
find someone
10:55
who you feel is worth
10:57
going on another date with
11:00
not someone who from the first time you
11:03
meet them
11:04
keeps you up all night because you’re
11:06
like i can’t stop thinking about them
11:09
that’s that’s the thing to be suspicious
11:12
of because now you’re probably basing
11:14
their value on something that’s not real
11:17
love
11:18
grows
11:19
when you find someone that you think is
11:22
worth going on another date with
11:24
you’re giving love a potential the
11:26
potential to grow
11:29
and the more you connect with someone
11:30
and the more you invest in them and the
11:32
more you tease out the wonderful
11:36
hidden
11:37
parts of them
11:38
and they do the same for you the more
11:40
you come to realize what an incredible
11:42
human being this is
11:45
and what an incredible partner this
11:46
could be
11:48
and of course
11:50
you it’s hard if you start with
11:52
absolutely zero chemistry if there’s not
11:56
even a basic attraction there at all
12:00
that’s hard
12:01
but
12:02
having
12:03
a basic kind of attraction for each
12:05
other isn’t the same as i can’t eat i
12:08
can’t sleep i can’t breathe without them
12:10
i immediately i left the date and i just
12:13
i you know i i i can’t
12:16
wait another day to see them again
12:18
that’s the dangerous
12:19
part love grows over time and that’s
12:22
something that the third kind of love
12:24
bomber
12:25
doesn’t appreciate because they feel
12:28
like if it’s not immediately the most
12:31
compelling thing in my life
12:33
it must be a sign that i’m not that into
12:36
this person
12:38
and and that is the love at first sight
12:41
myth
12:42
yeah
12:43
if it’s not roller coaster
12:45
then i’m not having the high so
12:48
something’s wrong i think there’s one
12:50
other
12:51
category of guy that i think i think you
12:53
haven’t slotted in yet matt
12:56
i think there’s a stereotype of just oh
12:58
single guy a single guy we all know what
13:00
that single guy is like he’s this player
13:02
type he’s like out there playing the
13:04
field meeting lots of people
13:07
and
13:08
in general i think that’s a very small
13:10
percentage of guys more likely
13:14
someone you meet is going to have
13:17
been in a couple relationships for a
13:19
while
13:20
that didn’t work out and so now this guy
13:23
that’s newly single
13:24
he probably doesn’t know how to be a
13:26
player but he knows how to be a
13:28
boyfriend
13:29
and he knows like well if i’m trying to
13:32
was i when i was trying to impress my
13:33
girlfriend i would have done this i
13:35
would have done this and he starts kind
13:37
of acting innocuously
13:40
or at least without bad intentions kind
13:42
of like a boyfriend
13:44
and that’s just how he’s that’s how he’s
13:46
sort of binary like that’s his one
13:48
default that’s his one default move i
13:50
can kind of dangle this sort of idea
13:53
that i’m a good boyfriend material in
13:55
front of you as just me making a good
13:56
impression and if he discovers maybe he
13:59
doesn’t want anything more
14:01
then he’s like uh oh
14:04
i
14:04
i didn’t have steven’s foresight to know
14:06
that this was going to work but i’m not
14:08
that interested and now i’ve just love
14:11
bumped yeah that’s really interesting
14:14
yeah and i think that guy can also be
14:16
the kind of guy that
14:18
because all they know is being in a
14:20
relationship
14:21
there’s
14:22
kind of find a relationship at any cost
14:24
mode
14:26
and so
14:27
they’re not necessarily truly evaluating
14:30
whether the person in front of them is
14:32
right for the relationship they’re just
14:34
putting wanting a relationship ahead of
14:36
anything
14:37
so
14:38
they go in hard and fast and
14:41
to love as intensely as possible
14:44
but then if they ever stop to catch
14:46
their breath and actually evaluate
14:47
whether it’s right
14:48
they may find out it’s not but like you
14:51
say they’ve just
14:52
exercised all of their boyfriend tools
14:55
immediately because it’s all they know
14:57
yeah and maybe it’s just they wanted
14:59
attention and this is literally the only
15:02
there’s only tool in their tool kit that
15:04
they had available they didn’t know how
15:05
to be suave they didn’t know how to do
15:07
all these other things that those other
15:09
cool single guys are doing they’re just
15:12
default
15:13
love bummer they didn’t know how to have
15:14
a different intensity
15:16
yeah or a lower intensity and i i kind
15:19
of i suppose that’s a good juncture
15:21
because people may say well then
15:23
my god how do i you know
15:26
do i have to sit there and try and
15:27
decipher which one of the categories
15:30
that you’ve just said someone falls into
15:33
and no you don’t
15:34
you don’t it’s at the answer is actually
15:37
very simple for you
15:40
if it when you’re in the early stages of
15:43
dating
15:44
the first is
15:46
be distrusting
15:48
of
15:51
any situation
15:53
that has reached a kind of unsustainable
15:56
level of intensity
15:58
that doesn’t mean and maybe
16:01
distrusting would you say unearned
16:03
intensity like early intensity
16:06
unearned intensity but even just an
16:08
unsustainable level of intensity
16:11
i you know no no relationship is going
16:13
to stay at that crazy intensity so you
16:16
may enjoy it
16:19
but be wary of it
16:21
be just be careful and understand that
16:25
you dictate the pace
16:28
you don’t have to just go along with
16:30
somebody else’s pace whether it’s the
16:32
narcissist type who is trying to
16:36
do all of these grand things and take up
16:39
all of your time and attention because
16:41
of that reason or whether it’s the
16:42
person jameson is talking about who’s
16:44
doing it because they only know one
16:46
speed
16:47
you
16:49
can dictate the pace if someone wants to
16:51
see you every day right now and you just
16:54
met them you can slow them down
16:56
and say you know i make your own
16:58
decision i feel comfortable maybe seeing
16:59
this person a couple of times a week at
17:01
this stage while i’m getting to know
17:03
them you know i’m not suddenly going to
17:05
free up every night for someone that i
17:06
don’t know
17:08
you can decide that
17:11
and
17:12
when someone
17:14
does
17:15
things that perhaps you wouldn’t do that
17:17
soon
17:19
because
17:20
you you know they introduce you to their
17:22
family and you think wow if i was
17:24
introducing someone to my family that
17:26
would be a big deal to me therefore if
17:28
i’m being introduced to their family
17:29
that must be a big deal to them don’t
17:32
assume that something means the same
17:34
thing to somebody else that it means to
17:36
you
17:37
yeah because it may not that’s a big one
17:39
that and that’s that’s the danger is
17:41
when we assume
17:43
that it without them having actually
17:45
said it we assume oh that must it’s the
17:48
same as
17:49
a woman saying well when i if i sleep
17:52
with someone that deepens my connection
17:55
with them so i wouldn’t sleep with
17:57
someone unless i was ready to deepen my
17:59
connection with them
18:00
but you should never assume and you know
18:03
i know so many women who get we coach so
18:05
many women who get in trouble
18:08
because they assume that sex means the
18:11
same thing that it does to her and in
18:14
some cases it does
18:16
but in a lot of cases it doesn’t
18:19
they have a different association with
18:21
what sex means assuming
18:23
that whatever is happening right now is
18:25
something they’ve attached the same
18:27
meaning to as you have
18:29
is a recipe for unmet expectations
18:34
that’s why we have to bring conversation
18:36
into the mix
18:38
and talk about these things be willing
18:40
to have the conversation so number one
18:44
be wary of a pace and an intensity
18:47
that’s unsustainable number two
18:50
don’t assume
18:51
something means the same thing oh and i
18:54
should say for number one you be willing
18:56
to set the pace
18:57
so number one be wary of a pace and in
19:01
intensity that’s unsustainable and be
19:03
willing to take the pace back
19:06
you can dictate the pace
19:08
even if they’re trying to speed it up
19:10
number two don’t assume something means
19:13
the same thing to somebody else as it
19:14
does to you just because someone’s doing
19:17
something that feels intense to you it
19:18
may not be intense to them it may be
19:20
what they do all the time and number
19:23
three
19:25
measure consistency
19:27
over intensity
19:30
it’s easy
19:32
to think that because somebody is being
19:34
grandiose in their actions because
19:36
they’re being intense in their actions
19:38
that that must be a portent for things
19:41
to come
19:43
we have to say no no matter how good
19:46
this feels
19:47
no matter how exciting
19:50
this
19:50
appears and no matter how dramatic
19:54
their words and their actions seem to be
19:58
i have to stay very grounded
20:01
and measure consistency of action of
20:05
words of behavior
20:08
over intensity
20:11
in someone’s words and actions and
20:13
behavior
20:15
this next video i have for you is really
20:18
really important click here to watch if
20:20
narcissism can be associated with a kind
20:23
of obsession with control if i can
20:26
dismantle your ego if i can dismantle
20:30
your confidence because your confidence
20:32
is a threat to my control
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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