He Said ‘Yes’ and Broke My Heart

Oh to be in love… Nothing quite prepares you for this, it comes when most unaware and creeps in without making a noise. At least, it was like this for me.

At the age of 18, I met my first boyfriend at work and it was not love at first sight. We were about the same age and now, nearly five years later, I can see all the red flags that I was completely blind about when I met him but I was young and wanted to finally experience all the things love songs are written, wars are fought and movies are made about — Love.

Let’s call him Joe. Joe knew exactly how to flirt and although not falling for him immediately, he got me thinking about him only after a short time. Two months of banter and messaging each other back and forth later, we had our first date.

It was horrible. It wasn’t even a date, his friends came by the last minute, didn’t talk to me and then they started smoking, which I didn’t. I sat there in awkward silence for two hours and left before the evening had begun. It couldn’t have been more disappointing.

The next week he asked for a second chance, he explained he messed up and wanted to take me on a proper date. I, giving out second chances for free back then, agreed and we went out for dinner and the movies. I told him I didn’t want to be kissed that evening, which kind of impressed him and he told me he had never dated a girl like me before. This phrase would stand strong throughout our relationship and I can now see what is so wrong about this whole “not like other girls” trope but this article is not about that.

Him being quite flaky and living in the moment at the time, I knew that he would probably not be the right choice for me, someone who needed stability and a sense of planning ahead. Nevertheless, on the second date, I explained to him that I doubted this thing that was going on between us; and that I had a strong feeling he would break my heart. Now I know that I was right, but back then I believed his words when he said: “I could never do so”.

It was me who took long to be okay with this relationship, who, even months into being a couple, wasn’t even sure that I wanted to be with him. That wasn’t fair from my side, I know. I told him I needed a break and he cried in front of me which left me speechless, as I wasn’t aware that I already meant something to him.

He had developed far stronger feelings than I had at the time. Feeling pressured I gave in far too quickly and I apologized for my actions. Some more time to think if this was really what I wanted would have probably been good.

Joe wasn’t a bad guy. Yes, he had his faults and in the end, we were just not right for each other, but he tried to make me feel comfortable and loved; to the point where he felt so changed that he couldn’t cope anymore.

I will not go into detail but be assured we had our highs and lows. We did kind of love each other but failed to give each other what we needed. I was toxic for him just as much he was for me — it feels bittersweet to say that out loud.

It might sound like we had a horrible time but be assured that we did have lovely times and we were fond of each other, we didn’t fight a lot and got along very well most of the time. After all, we were together for more than one and a half years, quite long for a relationship that started in my last school year.

I graduated from school and began my studies at university. About half a year later, he said he wanted to retake his school examen as well and applied somewhere he could do the necessary classes and tests.

He wanted to get into a different working field than being a waiter. I knew he partly did this because of me although I told him multiple times, that I would be proud of him no matter what. He quit in the workplace we were both employed together, got himself a new part-time job and planned on starting school after the summer, as I was about to embark on my third semester.

We wanted to spend more time together once he was done working so many hours and I would have fewer courses at uni, but that time never came…

I still remember him picking me up from uni on that Tuesday night. He told me he had met some old colleagues that day and wanted to go camping for one or two nights with them.

“Sounds great, I hope you have fun and some relaxation”, I replied when he told me. I didn’t know that he planned to go with completely different people than his ‘old colleagues, but more about that in a second. Later, we had a little argument, I don’t remember why anymore but I do remember him being restless that evening, searching around his apartment for things and me sitting alone on the couch for most of the time.

Something felt off, but I failed to put my finger on it. When he brought me home, I wished him a good time and he gave me a last kiss, the final one forever.

Sometimes I think he already knew.

The next day he texted me as usual, told me he was having a good time camping. On Thursday he didn’t reply. Thinking his phone had probably died I didn’t feel that worried, he would be coming home that day or on Friday.

But… he didn’t. There was no sign of him for almost a whole week and I had some of the worst days of my life. Unable to figure out where he was, I searched for him around the lake where he told me they would stay but failed to find him.

His sister knocked on my door on the weekend, wondering if I knew where he was. His whole family asked me if he had told me where he went and if he had called, his mom, dad, step-parents and siblings.

His mother almost cried at my doorstep, how she just didn’t understand and that he should at least have told me where he was, his girlfriend and the person he loved most in his life. She even told me he had asked her in which order our names would sound best once we would be married. I sat on the stairs, listening to her words, my head buried in my hands fighting against the thought that, just maybe, I would never see him again.

My alarms went off louder and louder and on Sunday, his sister and I called the police. Joe didn’t normally behave like this. Sure he liked his space and alone time but he always texted me back, his first message in the morning was reserved for me and he almost never missed a phone call when my name appeared on his screen. He always made sure to at least text me back a short note so I know that he had no time at the moment.

They said they couldn’t do anything due to him being an adult and there was no apparent reason to search for him, after all, lots of people just need a break from life. I reassured them multiple times that Joe was not the type of person to just throw everything away and disappear. You know, a lot of people just go off from one day to another without wanting anyone to know, she responded.

The next day I got a call, another officer would like to see into his apartment because the whole situation looked rather strange. Imagine that even the police is worried about him when they tell you “we can’t do anything” first. I balled my eyes out during these days, I couldn’t sleep or eat and I failed to think of anything else. Him being lost made me a total mess, the thought of him being dead broke my heart and turned me into a trainwreck.

On Monday evening he finally called his dad. I got a message and although being relieved he was safe, I felt something was off and that something had changed forever.

On the next evening, I walked to his apartment and I finally got him to tell me what had been going on over the last week. When sitting on the bench we always people-watched, he told me his phone broke and he couldn’t text anyone. That he was with a guy and two girls from his new workspace and after two days, decided to stay longer with one of the girls.

Hearing him speak her name out loud, my heart began to ache. After all, he had met me when he was new at the spot we had both been employed.

He told me he had been thinking and he didn’t feel like himself anymore. Explained that she got him and that he felt understood, that she understood. Which were the exact same words he had told me when we got to know each other. My heart started to crumble up just like a piece of paper.

I asked him if there had happened more between them and he said “No”. The thing is, I know for a fact that he wasn’t only camping, he was also in the city nearby and to this day, I don’t know where he was during those days or what really happened between the two of them.

“So… it’s over?” The words were mine, some of the very few I could bring over my lips while he told me the truth.

A long pause followed.

“Yes.”

I couldn’t respond, I just got up and walked away, tears streaming down my face as I tried to get just as far as possible from him, someone who I believed loved me but just tossed me away like I meant nothing to him.

I later screamed at him, that he was a horrible person for leaving everyone that cared about him in the dark, that I had been so worried about him, that he should have talked to me first and how someone I had never met and he barely knew could ever know anything about our relationship. He said sorry over and over again, but to me, he was a stranger who I didn’t recognize anymore.

When I got home I ran up to my mother’s room, she was on the phone. My legs gave up and I fell to the floor, where I lied and cried and even screamed my heart out.

A week of horror had come to an end only to leave me broken-hearted and sobbing on the floor. My dog licked my face but tears kept coming.

The next day I was crying and on the day after that too.

My mom and sister had already booked a vacation for two weeks and I decided to keep up with my plan of staying home due to my uni tests. During those two weeks, I cried a lot, ate a lot and began to heal, which would take more time than I anticipated. Looking back, I grew more than ever before in my life.

Now, years later and being happy on my own, leaving him and my feelings behind, after reflecting on the relationship and healing my heart, I am stronger than ever and sometimes, I wish I would be able to go back in time and say the following to myself:

Dear younger self,

I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Your heart was never this broken, you feel like your trust in the world is completely gone. It is okay to cry, sob into your pillow and feel empty inside. Eat all the ice cream you need.

But please, don’t look at the old chats or photos on your phone. I am proud of you for unfollowing him everywhere immediately but delete those pictures a little bit faster. Going back and remembering them will do you no good.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but time will heal all wounds. You will love again, laugh again and feel alive again when the time comes. There will be a day in the future when you don’t feel the need to think about him or her anymore, when you realize, you slowly let go of him. The picture of him in your memory will begin to fade and so will all the bad memories.

Do I still think of him you ask? Well, every once in a while, but it doesn’t affect me anymore. I remember a joke or going on an adventure, that first date where he picked you up or when your hands intertwined for the first time. Be not mistaken, I remember these things only because I like to remember the old me and how you felt during these moments. I do not think of him in these scenarios, and where there once was love, there is only a vague feeling of appreciation for the good things that happened.

You will heal and if you would let go of the thought that this was only his or your fault, it will go a lot faster. You both did this and in the end, it just wasn’t meant to be. Yes, he did horrible things and it could have ended differently but it will make you grow so much.

And someday, even if it seems completely illogical right now, you will forgive both of you. And then, my love, you will finally let go and feel free again.

With lots of love, Cecilia.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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