I thought I would marry my last girlfriend.
We got to know each other quickly in three weeks before I flew off to Vietnam. She thought it would end when I left for Vietnam, but we ended up FaceTiming each other every day. We did everything on FaceTime; we talked, debated, laughed, and made love.
I was going away for three months but falling for her made me return a month earlier.
But, as I settled back in London, I was going into an internal transformation. My values and beliefs were changing. I didn’t know where my future was heading anymore. I was making a drastic shift out of what I wanted in life, and it all came with significant upfront risks.
I guess I didn’t know how to handle the full responsibility of life and relationship commitments.
Two years later, it took the wind out of my soul when we separated. I was already on the uncomfortable journey of finding myself, but this made the path even harder to walk. Our lives had become each other, and I lost my individual identity. This is a byproduct of love when being exclusively intimate with someone for a long time.
In my life, I’ve had three failed relationships and many situationships. Yet, I realised there was still so much I didn’t understand about love and relationship.
After taking some time in therapy, reflecting and understanding more about love, here are the lessons I’ve learnt from my failed relationships.
. . .
1. Don’t use relationships as a means to an end.
Growing up, I lacked a solid emotional relationship with my parents. I felt misunderstood. My parents always told me to stop crying or sit in the corner. Upon reflection, I believe this drove my desire for intimacy and love.
My younger self didn’t see this emotional and psychological want. At 16, I noticed that my friends were getting girlfriends, so I thought, let’s do it too.
But in truth, I wanted to feel loved. I want to be seen. I wanted to feel valued. And I used relationships as a means to that end.
I see now it’s selfish to use someone, innocent or not. It was unhealthy of me to jump into a relationship, so I didn’t feel lonely. By getting into a relationship, I was dragging another person into my mess and ended up hurting them.
. . .
2. Internal love cannot be made up by external love.
After the last breakup, I took a long and hard look into my heart. The pieces of my heart were crumbling away.
Even though my parents worked hard to provide for me, my dad was a busy but introverted man, always working to ensure I got everything I wanted. My mum was a stay at home mum, but she wasn’t exactly emotionally astute. Growing up left me with an unmet emotional need. So I forced myself into an early relationship, hoping to fill that void. If I could be loved and be shown affection, therefore, I was worthy of being loved.
In my last relationship, she’ll never know that I left not because of anything she did. But because I felt I wasn’t enough. I felt I failed her. I felt less of a man.
I learned that no matter how much love we get from others, it’s never enough to make up for the one missing inside of me. Only I can fill that void.
. . .
3. I’m the denominator in every failed relationship.
As much as we are made to believe by Disney and Hollywood, relationships aren’t perfect. I’ve been in a lot of arguments, breakups and makeups.
But no matter who I am with, no matter how much I love them, there’s always something to fight about – differences in values or beliefs. I thought It was everyone’s fault but mine. Why couldn’t they understand me? Why can’t they understand where I’m coming from?
The same issues kept on arising — my poor ability to communicate.
I took a long hard look at myself and found I was the common denominator.
Relationships aren’t about finding the perfect person who will magically understand me. It’s me choosing to communicate so that they can understand me and work on the issue together.
I now know to be accountable and responsible for what I say and do. This is a journey with no end in sight and a journey I’m willing to stay on for the rest of my life.
. . .
4. Love is a choice.
Young love is sweet but also naive. When I was young, I didn’t go into a relationship thinking I was taking on responsibility. But that’s what a relationship is.
A relationship isn’t only having your emotional needs met. It’s also meeting someone else’s own emotional needs too. It’s choosing to be there when they need me, not only in good times but especially in bad times.
Love is a journey of growth and discovery. But there will also be times when I need to sit down and have difficult conversations.
In relationships, I can’t cherry-pick the good times. I also have to choose to water and nurture when the bad times hit. Otherwise, how do I expect my relationship to grow?
. . .
5. Love is a gamble.
Over my many failed relationships and dating career, I realised that pursuing love is a game. Some people genuinely seek serious relationships, and those looking to add more points to their scorecard.
Even meeting someone who is serious, many factors can still ruin a relationship, like deep core values. In my last relationship, our values were quite different. She valued security and certainty. I valued adventure and creativity. We both spoke love just in different languages.
Love is a gamble. Some get lucky on their first try. Some have to try a few times. And some may never find it.
Love is scary. But being brave is the only way for the heart to find love.
Closing thoughts.
Life will never be easy.
It will never be perfect.
But I have the power to choose my hard. And I choose to be better and learn every time I fail.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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