_____
—
It’s 5:30 am, and your alarm goes off. You open your eyes, and your mind starts racing. Meetings, conference calls and project deadlines all loom.
Why is there always so much to do and never enough time to get it done?
You grab your phone and scroll through your notifications as you walk into the shower, half awake. Knowing she’s not up, you send her a text message: “Good morning, baby. I hope you have a wonderful day.”
This text serves as two reminders: You want her to know she’s the first thing on your mind. And, more importantly, she needs to realize that, regardless of how stressful or busy your days are, she’s the priority.
It sounds so perfect, but that’s not reality.
Instead, you’ll log into Instagram or Facebook, nosing into everyone else’s life, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll send that text to your woman on the way to work.
Relationships these days lack direction. People “date,” but what the hell does that even mean anymore? Is it hanging out twice a month? Texting all day? Kissing here and there?
Something is missing. What’s causing relationships to falter at the rate they are?
Relationships thrive on communication. Our most intimate emotions are reserved for the person we love, so how is it acceptable to never show them?
We’ve accepted so many unacceptable things: sitting at the dinner table with our phones out, arguing over text, publishing every minute of our lives on social media.
Do you know what trumps all that? That society has accepted relationships in which we are being cheated on every day.
When you think of cheating in the traditional sense, having sex with another person comes to mind. It’s an intimate situation in which the person you love is connecting with another while you are going about your life, loving and caring for said person. Once you find out, all trust is lost.
But think about the concept for a minute.
Webster’s Dictionary defines cheating as the deprivation of “something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud.”
Sure, sex is cheating and may be the most hurtful case, but have you ever stopped to think you’re being cheated out of your relationship every day?
We experience a lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy and even lack of love. Why are we okay with this and all the communication shortcuts that have become so common?
This type of cheating causes much more damage than that of any sexual affair.
You’ve given your heart to someone and love him or her with every bone in your body, but you have to beg for his or her attention. You sit back and watch this person post status updates about useless things, or post pictures just so people can comment.
You need to take a minute to tell her she’s beautiful. Call her after work to say, “Get dressed in 30 minutes. I’m picking you up and taking you somewhere special.”
Make an effort. Old-fashioned love needs to make another round.
The days of holding hands, opening the car door, taking her out “just because,” sending her flowers just to get a smile and leaving her notes on her car should never be gone.
We have to be children when it comes to love. We have to be vulnerable and free. That can’t happen when we’re preoccupied with the details of everyone else’s lives.
Focus on each other. When it’s all said and done, that’s all you really have.
Appreciate her, and show her how much she means to you. But, most importantly, put your phone down, and dial into what’s in front of you.
–◊♦◊—
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Reality All Women Experience (that Men Don’t Know About) |
—-
RSVP to join weekly calls on Love, Sex & Relationships
What Next? Talk with others. Take action.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. You can now log in using Facebook or Twitter.
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. PLATINUM MEMBER commenting badge and listing on our “Friends of The Good Men Project” page.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, a listing on our Friends page, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time. This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
—-
By Anthony D’Ambrosio for YourTango
______
This article originally appeared on Your Tango. For more like this from Your Tango, try:
Photo credit: Getty Images
—
Interesting title, but not really accurate. We don’t cheat by paying attention to other things. I wasn’t cheating this morning as I admired a young woman in a black dress on the tennis court next to me. It’s not cheating.
I do appreciate the ultimate message of this post: we need to pay attention to the details and love notes in our relationship. We need to give our commitment to the primary romantic relationship a priority. And we need to pay attention to our partners and how we can support them in all of our actions.
TL;DR If you have lots of love and interests in your life, and value sharing with your social network, that does not make you guilty of deceit, fraud, or cheating. I disagree wholeheartedly with this framework. I feel that it encourages people to perceive evolving forms of human connection as deceitful and damaging, when it can be the exact opposite. The author says, “Relationships these days lack direction. People “date,” but what the hell does that even mean anymore?” An excellent question that I would answer very differently. We’re evolving as a species into an era where it makes sense… Read more »
Yes. All of this. Thank you.
enough said
I blame a deadly combination of three distinct forces. Social media, feminism, and individualism. (The latter being made worse by consumerism and materialism). (1) Feminism made men into emasculated wimps and made women into demanding entitled princesses who are next to impossible to please. If you don’t please her, god knows, baby she’s worth it, so out the door you go. Women’s expectations are really quite hilarious now, and how it’s lost on women how they are *naturally* repulsed by emasculated men is actually kind of funny too. Women say they want this theoretical “ideal” man who is really hardly… Read more »
What about the women who simply just want a man who only has eyes for her? This is probably most women. We want a man to love us the same way we are able to love them. We want our men to have the self control to not stray or look in another direction. In exchange for that a woman will give you anything. She might even worship you. Does it make sense that women have unrealistic expectations for men out of their own lack of self worth because they want to be shown ‘they’re worth it’? Does it make… Read more »
Plus the “You go girl!” “Ditch the person”, “You’re better than everyone” publicity/media garbage.
Great post. It is so important to show our love to the most important people regularly. I think the lack of communication leads to affairs. It starts the course of damage and the sexual affairs finishes it off. After all, you cheat in your mind before you ever get physical with someone and that cheating is a symptom of a relationship that has been sorely neglected and without the essential and loving communication we all need.
Oh piss off. As usual, an article about how men have to make more effort while women aren’t expected to contribute anything.
You don’t have to see it that way. Sure they specifically talk about men doing this but i get idea’s about what I can do better in my relationship to make it more, while yes i am a female.
What would be expected of a woman? And what are your views on women not giving any sexual attention to other men outside the relationship whilst the men are constantly aroused over other women?
Most relationships are not based on definitions from the Webster’s Dictionary. The whole idea of neglecting the relationship is a form of cheating is ridiculous and this is disingenuous and misleading by using the definition of something to fit the narrative they’re seeking to reach. All this long-winded article is trying to say is pay more attention to the relationship and don’t let the little things distract you from the relationship. It is unnecessary to use a definition to justify something that’s common sense.
Could we please have a discussion about this? Maybe we need to re-evaluate what the definition of what a relationship is? What is cheating? What is a relationship and why are we so closed off to a certain kind of mentality when it comes to relationships? Why is it that the “man” must send his “woman” a text in the morning. We’re clearly no longer living in a generation that can be defined or dictated through the principals that prior generations deemed “normal”. Just do you! Be happy and live your lives like they ought to be lived.
This article is written by a girl who see negatives first and positives at last.
Stop saying her her and her, ?? it makes you sexist, no offence but girls now a days are more faound of these stuffs, and they will never appreciate your efforts.???
**fond
Bhattashaji what do u know….this is so true…social media is a relationship killer …under the conditions he say…and sexist well maybe he is ne to writing☺☺
Every bit is true
I’ve read a lot of the comments on here and have to say this; each encounter is unique.
As for my view on it, well said.
I have comes across rude men all the time and women fall for it constantly. However an approach of romance, or intellectualism is shunned nowadays by both sexes.
There are some fair points, and I’m the type of guy that loves to do the little things like that because I love to see her smile on her face. However, the way you use “she” says that this is everything a guy should do for a woman, but doesn’t suggest what the woman should do for the man. I’m going to be honest, even if I love doing these little things, no one is creative enough to come up with something new to keep her interested at all times. There’s only so many things a man can do before… Read more »
You are amazing dude… learn a lot from you??
u r so true am speechless..but I wanna say u..have u asked urself that these feelings of u only u.. hv u shared with ur lady? ? instead of sharing in social media…have u told her this is what u feel..decreasing some gap between u 2 people than making 1000s of people understand what commitment is. it’s very clear from the writing that u like love and happiness from that than happiness from anything..ur thoughts can b usefull for somebody can b not too.but u know it’s like platinum for ur relationship life..no men can write this without feeling and… Read more »
Spot on
It disgusts me that people everyday continue to make the generalization and stereotype and ideas of what a modern relationship is. Every single person on this finds love and a relationship differently and every single person has certain expectations and standards for their relationships. Not everyone or even a majority of the population I know of base their relationships standards off of a Webster Dictionary Definition. In terms of “Old Fashioned Love” it is not dead, just like any other form of love isn’t dead, but media sources and journalists like yourself decide to criticize people and their experiences rather… Read more »
Ya.. Sometimes these kind of articles will make people doubt on their relationship and start putting standard. While they forget that every of them has their own unique way to expressing love.
This article definitely makes some very great points. But what is she doing for him? I’ve been in relationships/ situations like this before where the women feels entitled to all this glamorous activity, which I give to her tenfold, and she just receives and receives and if I’m not this extreamly amazing guy/ gentleman then I now become this “oh-so bad person”. When in all actuality she isn’t giving even 25% of what I am. What about these women?
True
Well said… I too have experienced this attitude of my love
I like the article because he points out that dating/relationships these days are nothing like they used to be. But I don’t like that it’s all about the girl… What about the guy? If she expects all this to be done for her, she has to do it right back. Girls these days are all about being treated like a princess but don’t treat their man like a prince. I also disagree on the part of it causing more damage than being cheated on the way people usually use the term. The kind of cheating described in the article, an… Read more »
Yes I agree with this article…and yes that’s true…it shud be same for both men n women…I too feel bad after reading all this n .. yes I loved someone.. blindly..truly….deeply..madly…but of no use…cos now I feel cheated.. Nowadays..finding true love …it’s next to impossible.. So love yourself….that’s it.
there is no values left.. fb wtsspp has made everything untrustable.
everyone seems chracterless or wtf to say abt when ppl in an affair chatting whole day with opp gender frnds in real you can say therr 2nd or 3rd lover.or x lover or crush beyond relation ships . told or known as a friend..
and all this goes till reality is exposed..
polygamy ,character less behaviour are in the air thanx to markzukerberg. lol
connecting ppl, and ruining relations
Then why you on Facebook ??? ?
Goodness Me! such dramarama!!! OK I may be showing my age here, but in my late 40’s now, I see a disturbing trend of excessive pandering to infantile behaviour & it’s gotten waaaay out of hand. Are men dating teenage girls or women? For hundreds of thousands of years we didn’t need all this babying BS. Women looked after themselves through most of history quite well. As an individual, if anyone called me several times a day it was seen as psycho behaviour by me and my friends + colleagues, with the potential for troubling jealousy on the horizon. If… Read more »
“This type of cheating causes much more damage than that of any sexual affair.”
Wow, kind of a bold hypothesis. I’d be interested to see your source—there must be some interesting research behind that. Unless you personally just decided it was true because it makes your article more compelling…but you wouldn’t do that, right?
Why do marriages break? Is it because people feel compelled to love to each other?
Or your other half is taken for granted and there’s no more effort to be taken?
Why do you think this way?
Because there is a reason to have a fresh look on relationships today..
I have changed a few things to make this REAL so her it goes: It’s 5:30 am, and your alarm goes off. You open your eyes, and your mind starts racing. Meetings, conference calls and project deadlines all loom. Why is there always so much to do and never enough time to get it done? You grab your phone and scroll through your notifications as you walk into the shower, half awake. She wakes up and prepares breakfast the way you like it, and goes in a robe half naked and makes jokes about making your day better……. See to… Read more »
well there is obviously a blatant double standard here. love how every sentence ends or starts with “her” or “she” as in text “her” or make sure “she’s” the first thing on your mind. Thats all fine and dandy but women have fought for equality for so long, yet this article makes it seem as if it is entirely on us to make sure she feels loved. It is a 2 way street, as much as this article goes against that. Im not at all saying we as men shouldn’t do this stuff. Im just saying that if this is… Read more »
There is a reason why this article is posted on “goodmenproject.com”. Let me know if you need further explanation.
explain plz
As a woman, I completely agree with your assessment here. Both people in a relationship have a responsibility to make the other feel loved and needed. I also have to say, it seems to me like a fully ridiculous article. If someone isn’t paying attention to you because they’re distracted by social media, tell them. If they still don’t change, leave them. I know its harder than it sounds, but I’ve done it before, and I don’t understand people who complain about a problem, but don’t act to change it. And finally, as someone who has been in both type… Read more »
yes i have faced it in real.. started a year ago ended up with a kiss of person i loved…
but i sacrificed and got her back anyhow..
Social-media has made it so convenient to “cheat” these days. My ex told me that she has to have more than one sexual partner ( One of the reasons why we broke up ) but it is more than that. She needed online love from multiply guys as well. Some of these guys didn’t even live in our state yet they were telling her they love her! She was even leading on her ex. Saying things like “I can’t wait to be with you” and “I’m only happy with you” but the same line was used on many guys. To… Read more »
Because not all women are ungrateful whores! We don’t all seek attention from anything with a penis! Don’t let one bad person change you being a good person.
Wow I thought I was the only one who has ever dated a girl who would date many many other men online who she had never met many of whom lived in other countries yet she would carry on relationships with some of them or at least had been for years while telling them she loved them and they would take these relationships so seriously that they were getting jealous over each other and depressed about certain things if they didn’t go well or if they found out certain things meanwhile they’re both lying their asses off about their real… Read more »
well bothering for anythin now is like bothering your soul to bear the..
character less ppl.
In Africa it is customary to marry more than one bride. Cheating is so foreign. Women need to be loved otherwise we will have a very sick society like those with same gender phenomenon. Really Strange. We will keep loving and growing our society.
I agree totally. I joined a dating site to get a date. What do I get ? Lets get to know each other, heres my cell text me. Talk for two months in email or messenger then maybe someday go on an in person date. I still say you don’t know if you have any chemistry on line, text or messenger. I know some of them do it because they are scammers but everybody else is just to scared to meet face to face.