My partner, Ferene, my daughter, Melodie and I cascaded down a mountain of snow in Canada, surfing the frozen water with smiles on our faces as the setting sun watched over us for the remainder of the afternoon, before settling in for the night behind the range that was her covers. The snow beneath us was a crystallized version of the lakes, rivers and oceans that we had swam in from Vermont to Haiti. It was the same water that had provided our ancestors abundance and called us to its shores in the summer. We were now magically gliding on this miracle of life and it was a precious moment in time for our multiracial family following a recent hate crime that was committed against us where we found the “n-word” written on our car in the driveway of our home.
Similar to water, humans have taken on a variety of shapes, sizes and colors throughout the world and as with the compound, we are all essentially the same and interdependent. Our ability to exist and move forward depends on our bonds with our fellow beings. We can work together, holding each other with care and compassion, or we will evaporate as individual droplets do in the summer sun. We seem to have lost sight of the fact that we are mostly water; regardless of where we live or what color we are, we are stronger when we are jointly moving in the same direction. The ignorance of this truth acts as a dam to love and ultimately threatens humanity.
It had taken Ferene, a Black woman, years to feel comfortable being on skis since we had moved to Vermont. Like many other youth of color who have grown up in an urban area, she did not have access to waterplay in its various forms and was not able to develop the skills that would allow her to feel comfortable soaking up these gifts. Unlikely Riders, a BIPOC nonprofit organization in Vermont, which provides ski lessons and equipment for people of color, helped Ferene believe in her ability to be on the mountains. I had learned how to swim and ski at an early age and was able to experience the happiness and confidence that were associated with these activities, due to my privilege as a white person from a middle class family. For many Vermont winters, I have skied with our daughters, while Ferene stayed in the lodge or back at home. It has helped our mental health and given us something to look forward to in order to get through the cold winters.
A lack of access to water is just one of the many barriers that people of color face as they attempt to find joy in the world around them. Impediments to these birthrights are everywhere and selectively present themselves to the BIPOC community, even those who have the socioeconomic means and resources to participate. For Ferene, it wasn’t as simple as “I want to learn how to ski so I am going to go get on the mountain with Josh and the girls.”
The mountain and its culture is intimidating in more ways than just learning the sport. Whiteness looms in spaces dominated by people with skin color that matches the snow and acts as an invisible force field for people who do not fit into the confines of the construct. Even with access, it was critical for a BIPOC organization to break down mental barriers for Ferene. She was comfortable being on the mountain and learning from teachers of color with other Black and Brown people who supported each other, reclaiming the narrative and culture through intentional practices, such as grounding activities and land acknowledgements.
Ferene learning to ski was an important and courageous step in her life journey. It was a gift that would help her navigate depression, which intensifies when the days get shorter and she sees less of her friend, the sun. This was also a special time for our family, as it can be challenging for us, with members who have different levels of privilege, to explore these types of activities together. As a white man who had been skiing most of my life, it was much easier for me to go to the mountain with the girls and I could never truly understand what Ferene felt when she would stay inside. We were now able to connect and experience joy together through our collective immersion in the mountains. Ferene and I would set out on weekly skiing dates and the family made plans for future ski trips together.
Not only had Ferene learned how to ski, during the past two years she had left a toxic work situation to boldly pioneer her own storytelling business, All Heart Inspirations, which was thriving and had recently made its first hire, me. She had also set out on an internal journey, courageously sailing into the storm of a deep depression and using it as an opportunity for inner discovery, peace and liberation. Just two years ago, Ferene had difficulty getting out of bed, unable to find motivation to face the world and experience the joy that she was deserving of. It was a dark time for her and a challenging time for our family, who wanted to offer our support, but often felt helpless.
On October 23rd, 2021 Ferene stood center stage at the Flynn Center in Burlington, majestically rocking her natural coils, while welcoming a crowd of thousands back to the theater, following a pandemic hiatus. Unapologetically calling upon her community to do better, she spoke to the hearts of all, including her “Dearest Flynn”, the place where she had begun her new path, taking a storytelling class and eventually becoming a performer and teacher. Her words lingered in the air and would forever be embraced by the theater where she had rediscovered her childhood passion and entered into a love affair with the art form. It was a beautiful and vast leap of faith that was gracefully landed in a short period of time. Ferene was fearlessly traversing the mountain of life, while leaning into the many bumps that we all face, finding her way, as water flows down the mountains following ski season.
Tired of Pretending I am not Broken – Ferene Paris Meyer
Though it may seem externally
My black does not crack and my brown does not frown
Inside my temple seems to be collapsing
Aging at rapid speeds and taking a toll on my physical well being
Slowly the vibrant colorful walls of my soul diminish
The density of my bones are weakening
I need to find ways to nourish the body
Strengthen the frame
To hold up my crown with boldness and brilliance yet once again
Feelings of depression, anxiety, and numbness
Please… stop this process of internal wear and tear
Exhaustion, back pain, and fatigue
Please… stop aging me from the inside
This body is no longer for sale
You cannot have her
Josh is honored to collaborate on this piece with his magical life and business partner, Ferene Paris Meyer. Ferene is the founder of All Heart Inspirations, a family business that creates heart-centered spaces through storytelling and more. https://www.allheartinspirations.com/
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