This Is What Unconditional Love Looks Like in Romantic Relationships

In one article I read recently, the writer said that “you will either date for marriage or date for a heartbreak.”

I found it hard to refute her claims but as I don’t like absolute statements, I had to find out the reason why people date, an exploration that led me down the rabbit hole of love and romance.

Why do we date?

Dating has always been one of the easiest ways for people to experience each other romantically.

But people date for vastly different reasons although there are often some common motivations such as the search for life partners, sex, and so on.

Women, mostly black women, say that dating has got a lot harder over the past decade. The reason for this is mostly because of the physical and emotional risk that has increased in the dating world.

Women are scared of getting physically hurt or emotionally hurt while the men mostly find it hard to date because they do not know how to behave in the era of women’s empowerment with movements such as #MeToo.

Quite frankly, women have a valid reason. No one wants to get catfished, scammed, harassed, or murdered just because they chose to have a good time with someone they thought equally had good intentions.

Therefore, one of the reasons that women give is probably close to answering why people date in general. That reason supersedes all the perversions and hopelessly shallow narratives such as staying away from empowered individuals.

At the core of it all, I think it is the meaningful connections that we seek.

I have seen those videos or comments where women get cat-called for instance. One of the corny statements that cat-calling men normally tell women as an end to a forced conversation is something like this,…

“…you’re perfect, stay the way you are, don’t let anybody change you ever…”

This unsolicited and cringy statement varies but it also goes to show that even the person who has no problem harassing other people on the street or online can still tap into this desire for a meaningful connection — albeit for manipulatively sexual intentions.

Therefore, I think we date for meaningful connections. Meaningful connections can then lead us into further romantic and life explorations with each other.

The conditional nature of romance

These meaningful connections we seek from one another are abstract concepts. No one can know for sure what a meaningful connection is like. We are very good at knowing what isn’t meaningful though.

And given the seemingly countless options in the dating world, it takes a very small element of imperfection for one to cast doubt onto the meaningful nature of the relationship they are in.

Therefore, people will hope from one relationship to another caring little about the damage they do to their partners.

Conditionality is baked into the very way we approach relationships. You choose to date or not to date someone based on whether they are “your type” or not.

Also, the variables that go into the “type” function are countless. Some women prefer rich men, some go for the looks, many men are after body types, most are after the looks too… The variables are endless.

But it is these variables that help people even consider speaking to one another.

I don’t care whether your intentions are purer than Jesus’, if you’re broke and approach a person that values a rich partner, you are guaranteed to have a terrible experience.

I chose the broke men condition because it is the most polarising condition in the dating world. When a woman prefers a rich guy, she’ll be called a golddigger.

Whether or not she is, it’s only her preference. You must first understand what beliefs shape her opinion at the very least and it is therefore not a fair assessment as it discredits her preferences. The men or people in general who give her these names will have preferences of their own.

It is just the conditions we bake into our romantic ideals.

The role of unconditional love and how we might get to it

I’m fascinated by unconditionality in my relationships with people. That should not fool you into the belief that I am selfless.

I think my obsession with unconditionality stems from the fact that there is a way to have an exciting experience with other people that is free of expectations.

Expectations scare me. I don’t like putting expectations on people I care about and neither do I want them to put expectations on me.

Case in point, my neighbor doesn’t have internet and given how expensive it is, I know that it is a struggle for them. That’s why when they asked me to help, I was happy to.

I gave them the password and they have unlimited access to the service without strings attached. I have not told my family about it because the latter will begin going to my neighbor and asking for favors in return.

I just want the neighbor to have a good time.

And that intention is selfish within itself because it makes me feel good about doing something for someone. The neighbor and I aren’t friends, we don’t talk except “hi/tsup”, I don’t even know their name yet but I do care about them and their happiness.

But that’s all I want it to be. And I think this is one of the instances that I get close to unconditionality.

That is one instance of unconditionality.

To explain the other, I have to tap into the ones I have a romantic or platonic interest in.

I think unconditionality in these can exist without expectations. That doesn’t mean you don’t ask for favors or whatever. Sure you do these things but these things are not the basis of the relationship.

Also, should that person choose to tell you that they are done with you, unconditionality would be to accept their request, genuinely wish them the best, and begin your process of healing without harboring anger and resentment towards them.

That is easier said than done. But it is not impossible.

Also, all this talk of unconditionality is just the ideal. Like any ideal, you do not have to get it right all the time.

Some people are going to be easier to let go of than others, helping some people is going to be a lot easier than helping some others.

What counts therefore is not that you do it right all the time, but rather that you try as much as possible to put however little of it is possible in your life.

Conclusion

And I would think that when it comes to not just dating but any relationship we have with people, we all have a “type”.

In romance, sticking to this type at all costs makes for a conditional romantic experience. The deviations and compromises are nothing but sacrifices. Sacrifices that we make for a deeper and more fulfilling experience.

It is the sacrifices that help us get closer to the meaningful connections we seek and the unconditional love experience as well.

Maybe these meaningful connections can help us feel loved, maybe they can help us feel lovable, maybe they can help us learn about ourselves and other people, and perhaps all the above are right.

I, therefore, don’t think that people are dating for just marriage and heartbreaks, much as these experiences may be common, I think dating helps people feel something, and it helps people learn something. If unconditional love is added to the mix, the feelings and lessons come together to improve the quality of the individual.

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Previously Published on medium

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