Five Mind Traps That Men Get Caught By

Let me start by saying that I’m not trying to provide excuses for the harmful behaviours that these distorted perspectives on life can nudge men into. What I care about is explanations. I’ve found that there are reasons for the majority of regrettable things we do, and by understanding what those are, rather than looking the other way, pretending they haven’t happened or blaming someone else, we can begin to make choices that will be better for us and everyone we’re close to.

1. Many men have the tragic skill of being able to detach ourselves from our emotions and let our rational mind completely take over. I put this down to many of us having been told as boys to ‘man-up’ and not react to upsetting situations in a human way. This is useful in a crisis where we have to put fear to one side and focus on getting ourselves, and everyone else we’re responsible for, out of whatever mess we’re in. But it’s not at all useful when we feel threatened because our partner has criticised us, and shut down as a kind of defence, when what is needed is caring empathy to ensure we’ve heard and understood her, and what we can do to help, and she can see that. Cut off from our own feelings, we are unable to connect or empathise with others, and that is a short road to isolation and unhappiness

The antidote? -practice being in touch with all your feelings – don’t label any of them as ‘bad’ or ‘weak’. Refuse to feel shame for who you are, join with other men whenever possible and practice being human together. Notice how much happier you start to feel

2. Another result of being ‘feeling-shamed’ from an early age is the habit of projecting our fear of weakness, low self-worth and/or self-hatred onto others – and then dominating and/or punishing them in some way (including hating them for letting us dominate them!). The hidden insecurity that many of us feel at our core means we can feel threatened by, and become aggressive towards, anyone who disagrees with us – even our children. We’re so terrified of being a ‘loser’ that our capacity for compassion is diminished, as is or capacity to love – others or ourselves. This is the huge price we pay for being afraid or ashamed of feeling vulnerable or other normal human emotions, as we become increasingly like the zombies who eat the hearts of others in a doomed attempt to reignite their own sense of being alive.

The antidote? – act kindly and supportively to those who need it. Have clear boundaries around what you accept from others but apply them with kindness. Notice how much stronger you start to feel!

3. Men instinctively resort to violence to resolve conflict, probably because it’s what we’ve been conditioned to do by a million films and TV shows we’ve seen, or from the encouragement of our father or other significant men in our lives – even though we know it often makes the situation worse. If we see the world as a jungle in which it’s kill or be killed, our actions are likely to help creating that reality. But acts of violence just show how weak we feel; because a man with inner strength only uses force as a last resort – even when he is being threatened. This is the kind of confidence that attracts the respect of other men (and women).

The antidote? Look for win-win outcomes to all conflicts. Know when to give way. This way you make friends, not enemies. Notice how much more connected you start to feel!

4. Many of us were spoiled as boys by getting what we asked for, at the same time as being denied emotional nurturing and connection – especially from our father. And because the dominant narrative in all forms of media is that a ‘real man’ gets what he needs, no matter who is harmed, many of us get angry when the world doesn’t give us what we falsely think we’re entitled to. It’s a toxic mixture of narcissism and unconscious privilege which results in us becoming more and more isolated. Almost all of us want a sense of connection – to love and to feel loved and accepted for who we are. But short-sighted selfishness will sabotage any possibility of that happening. In trying to get more of what we think we want; we end up getting less of what we actually need. The mad idea that our need for love is some kind of weakness that needs to be repressed is what leads to the historically high rate of male gender violence and male suicide – two sides of the coin of hyper-isolation.

The antidote? Make giving love your primary objective, not getting it. Try to be generous in every situation. Notice how much more confident you start to feel!

5. A man’s fear of the power of femininity and female sexuality is perhaps the least talked about feeling that men have. The idea of a man being afraid of a woman is so shameful that hardly any man even dares talk about it. But that fear is real, although it’s not like the justifiable fear of violence or abuse which many women feel in relation to men. This is a deeper and more primal anxiety, and a lot of its power derives from the fact that we pretend we don’t have it. Maybe its roots are in the power a woman has to create life –embodying the power of nature which we learned to be wary of for much of our evolutionary history. Maybe it’s because every man had a mother who had the power of life or death over him for the first part of his life – especially when his father was physically or emotionally absent. Whatever the reason, for proof of its existence throughout history and across cultures you need look no further that the ‘virgin birth’ myth, the existence of FGM and the shrouding of women in Burkas. What else, other than terror could incline men to act in such a controlling way towards the women that we claim to love and revere?

The Antidote?
Take time with your partner to explore the reality of your fear of her, and where it comes from. Ask her in bed – ‘What do you like?” and commit to doing it. Connect with the power of the feminine even in yourself. Notice how fearless you start to feel!

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