How You Can Support Your Partner’s Mental Health

If you’re in a relationship, odds are you’ve seen many different sides of your partner and have stuck with them through it all. I have been so fortunate to have a partner that has taken the time to understand my needs and get me through the tough times. As I reflect on the ways I’ve been supported by them, I’m sharing what has been most impactful for me.

These thoughts reflect only my own experiences with mental health — I am fortunate to have a support system, be in good health, and have access to medications and healthcare.

Understand Your Partner’s Unique Needs

There is no “one size fits all” prescription for supporting your partner. You need to have an open and honest dialogue about what your partner needs (and doesn’t need) from you. Making assumptions can lead to miscommunication, overwhelming, or isolating your partner.

I am prone to “Sunday-scaries”. That’s a light way of putting it, they’re really episodes of debilitating anxiety. There is no quicker way to dig me deeper into that hole than asking me “what do you want to do?”, which just to happens to be my partners go to question. I realized I needed to share with my partner that this doesn’t help me and what he could do instead — I asked him to just sit down next to me, put on a show, read a book, play a video, and just be nearby so I could talk when I was ready. I needed company, not a solution. It took us a while to have these conversations, and eventually, they led to discussing how we could partner together to avoid these episodes I was having.

Others might want someone to take them by the hand and force them into an activity they know they’ll enjoy — but please don’t try this without talking to your partner about it. On the flip side, some might benefit from being left alone for a bit. There are so many possible preferences from one extreme to the other, so it’s important to also have these conversations during times when everyone is in the right headspace. You won’t be able to recognize the signs and help your partner dodge their demons if you shy away from asking them questions and getting to know the triggers.

Make Reasonable Plans Together

If you’ve struggled with mental health, you know that as much as you might want to do something, sometimes you just can’t. If your partner is feeling like this, it’s not the time to plan an extravagant date night. Again, there’s no single “right way” but my partner and I have found success in planning something small, so small it’s barely outside of your normal routine. Go for a walk in your usual neighborhood, rewatch a show you loved, play a quick card game, anything to get the brain to start re-wiring how you feel about the day.

Tip: It may really help your partner if you frame these suggestions as things you want to do, not things you think will help them. They may feel like a burden if they think you’re going out of your way to do things you don’t actually want to do.

Recognize the Signs

Pay attention to your partner’s emotional cues and learn what to do proactively — is there a chore or errand you can take on for them, before it all becomes too much?

Last night, I was caught by surprise when my partner asked me if I wanted to go for a walk in the morning. It’s not that my partner doesn’t enjoy these things, I just usually suggest them before he has a chance. It was surprising that he beat me to it! During the walk, we chatted about this and he admitted he knew it would help me start the day off right. And wouldn’t you know it, today is Sunday. He’s taken the time to learn my patterns and my needs, even down to the nitty gritty of how certain days of the week affect my mood.

Take Care of Yourself

You cannot help someone be their best self if you are not able to be your best self. You might need to set boundaries, know your limits, share them with your partner, and help them find additional support systems. It can be easy to feel like a bad partner when you’re not able to pull your partner out of the darkness, but you are not expected to sacrifice your own mental health for someone else’s, and a good partner wouldn’t want you to. Know that if your partner needs more than you can give, this is not your failure.

Have you had a vulnerable conversation with your partner about a topic like this? Did the result surprise you? If you’re comfortable, I’d love to hear more about you and your partner’s methods for supporting each other.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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