To Work Out Your Relationship Problems or Not?

Where does the thin line begin and end between working it out or accepting abuse? Someone recently told me that a part of being in a relationship is working through problems. And then further stated, “You can’t always cut and run.”

Hearing that might make a person pause to reconsider before walking out the door. But how does one know whether or not they’re actually normalizing an abusive relationship?

They say that everything starts in childhood. I couldn’t agree more. My mother was abused in her childhood, so when she became a mother and raised me, she did it the best way she knew how but still wound up emotionally and psychologically abusing me.

Because of what I endured, I don’t (or try not to) tolerate abuse in my adult relationships. If a man yells at me, gives me the silent treatment, tries to control me, keeps me around as backup, or breadcrumbs me, I become unattracted and walk away. Obviously, no one likes rejection. So, when a woman walks away from a man, their ego gets bruised and they try to win her back despite not becoming a healthier version for her. And, vice versa. There are also toxic women who mistreat men as well.

But that’s just it! How many toxic couples do you know who have stood the test of time? Plenty, right?! And when interacting with these couples during family gatherings, holiday parties, birthday dinners, and other social outings, we tend to think that since they’ve managed to last this long, maybe we can too! And so we look at our significant other and find reasons to stay with them because we normalize our “relationship problems.” It’s as if attending celebrations and cool festivities puts a bandaid on your problems and almost makes you forget, for a moment, that they even exist. But eventually, those problems arise again.

While I don’t have all of the answers to everything, I’m starting to believe that before we invest too much time and emotion into someone, we should tread lightly and notice the red flags when they appear. The problem occurs when we ignore the red flags, get deep into a relationship, and then become too trauma-bonded to leave.

Someone else recently told me, “Everyone is a little damaged, so if you really want love, you’re gonna have to accept what someone else’s trauma is because there’s no such thing as the perfect person.”

Well, well, well… So, everyone is a little damaged, they say?

I refuse to believe that. I think there are a lot of healthy people who are confident and comfortable in their own skin, who treat people kindly with respect and consideration, and who are intelligent enough to know when something is compatible for them and when something is not. No, not everyone gets into a relationship just to fill some lonely void, to validate their ego, or to be part of the relationship status quo.

Now, back to the part about the thin line between working out “relationship problems” or “accepting abuse”…

When two healthy people in a healthy relationship experience problems that they want to work out, those problems might look like a few listed below:

• you and/or a partner lost their job or business and need emotional and/or financial support while looking for the next one.
• you and/or a partner are mourning someone’s death and need emotional support.
• you and/or a partner are diagnosed with a chronic illness and you start making adjustments as a couple to adapt to certain lifestyle changes.
• you and/or a partner go through a natural disaster and experience huge changes.
• you and/or a partner receive a job promotion that requires more working hours and less personal time, and you try to find balance with the new schedule.

Do all of these examples make sense of problems that don’t equal abuse? Here are other examples of problems that fall into the category of toxic and abusive cycles. Notice the difference:

• your partner has an emotional affair with someone else, denying those feelings, and then telling you that you’re paranoid, jealous, and insecure while they continue to treat that person better than you. It can be an ex-companion, a coworker, a neighbor, or just about anyone that you know they’re falling for.
• your partner doesn’t respond to your text or phone call until the next day. They could at least respond by telling you that they’re busy working or catching up with friends. But instead, they completely ignore your calls which is neglectful and shows that you’re not a priority.
• your partner buys you clothes and shoes that are not your style because they want you to change who you are. They tell you that you’re ungrateful for the gifts they’re giving you, but they’re really just giving them as a form of manipulation because they consider you their property. So, they don’t really see you for you. They see you for “them.”
• your partner constantly brings up a past event to make you feel guilty and never lets it go. They do this because they have no interest in forgiving the past and moving on. They just want to hold something over your head that will make you feel indebted to them.

So, the next time your significant other tells you that you should work out your problems, ask yourself if this is truly the right fit? If you think it sounds heartless because you’ve already fallen in love, consider the fact that you might be in too deep to realize how emotionally abusive the situation is. The truth is that once you remove yourself from the relationship and give yourself enough time and space to heal, you’ll look back and start to realize that you’ve escaped the storm to be in a sunnier place. It’s all about seeing things more clearly because that’s when you’ll see where the beginning and the end of the thin line is between working out relationship problems or normalizing abuse. Don’t let your mind play tricks on you. Love is trusting and peaceful; not dramatic and soul-crushing.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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