Feel Them Pulling Away? Avoid This Mistake [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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does this sound like a familiar story to
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you
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you meet someone and you feel something
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that maybe you haven’t felt in a while
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you feel attracted
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you feel connected and
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the best part is
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they feel the same way
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and then
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just as you’re allowing your hopes to
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run away with themselves you’re
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beginning to think about what this could
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mean you start to feel that person pull
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away their energy changes maybe their
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communication becomes less consistent
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maybe their responses to you get shorter
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maybe they stop saying some of the
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intense things that they were saying in
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the beginning those things that stoked
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your hope in the first place the things
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that got you all excited
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they stopped saying
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it leaves us wondering what on earth
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went wrong when everything seemed to be
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going so right now
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i want to talk about one of the
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potential reasons that it happened that
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they went cold
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and i also want to talk about
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the biggest mistake that we tend to make
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when this happens people pull away
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oftentimes
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because
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they have sensed something in us
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that is trying too hard that has made
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them too important
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too quickly and one of the negative
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effects of this is that someone begins
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to feel that
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we’ve made up our minds about them and
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who they are and how valuable they
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should be in our lives
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before they’ve really earned it and when
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we do that and when they sense that our
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value goes down because they ask
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themselves the question why am i so
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important to this person so quickly
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what’s going on with them that i have
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suddenly become so valuable in their
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life even though a they don’t know me
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that well
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and b i haven’t actually done that much
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for them it’s not like i’ve invested a
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ton into their life so why am i suddenly
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so important
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and when someone feels that
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and your value goes down there’s that
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combination of your value has gone down
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to that person
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but you also now feel very intense to
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that person and so they start
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to pull back
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now on to the mistake that we often make
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when we feel someone pull away because
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we’ve made this person so important
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what kicks in when they pull away
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is a fight instinct i am going to fight
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for this i’m going to go out my way to
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try to keep
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this because it’s really valuable and
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it’s really important now why have we
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made it so valuable and so important
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number one a scarcity mindset if we
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don’t meet anyone we like very often if
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we feel like love is really elusive
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then if we even get a taste
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of being with somebody we’ll do anything
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to keep it number two impatience
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we want the result today we don’t want
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to wait another year or five years or
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more we want it today so if it feels
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like it’s right in front of us
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i’ll do anything i have to to keep it
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and number three low self-esteem
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we don’t believe in our own value this
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is a really interesting one
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because
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what happens when we find ourselves
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fighting for someone who is pulling away
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from us
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is by definition we have devalued
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ourselves
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and overvalued them and what they bring
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to the table let’s try and experiment
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for a moment pause this video for a
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moment when i say this and just write
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down
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what it is
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you are attracted to in this person and
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be really honest about this don’t write
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answers that sound good write the truth
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what is it about this person that you’re
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drawn to
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now pay attention to your answer because
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often the answers are very revealing
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about something that we are overvaluing
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if you wrote down
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they’re really attractive
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if you wrote down their confidence the
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connection you feel with them or if you
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had trouble writing something down
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because you’re like
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i i guess it’s it’s hard to explain i i
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just
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i don’t know there’s just something
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about them pay very close attention to
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these things
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because none of them are qualities
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that make someone an amazing partner i
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shared the stage not too long ago with
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my dear friend dr rahmani and she said
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anytime someone says to her there’s just
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something about him
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she starts to see alarm bells because as
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she describes it that is the definition
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of a trauma bond you’re not actually
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attracted to them because they have
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wonderful relationship traits that would
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make them a great partner or do make
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them a great partner you’re attracted to
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them because of some ethereal hard to
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put your finger on feeling
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that compels you
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to keep trying what are the qualities
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that make someone a great partner
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kindness empathy compassion they show up
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for me they’re reliable they’re
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consistent they’re a great communicator
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they’re honest trustworthy they’re a
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great teammate they care about my day
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and the challenges in my life and want
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to support me in those those are the
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kinds of qualities that make for a great
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relationship but those are rarely the
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things people describe when they say why
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they can’t get someone off their mind
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why they’re so attracted to that person
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why they decided they were the right
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person remember none of the things
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like charisma confidence boldness sex
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appeal
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connection even the the fact that we can
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talk about all sorts of different
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subjects the fact that i just feel so
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good around them
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none of those things
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are
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things that on their own could make a
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great relationship
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they’re great wonderful things to have
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but
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none of them are the really really
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valuable things
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that someone shows us when we realize
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oh this person will be an incredible
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teammate and if you’re willing to be all
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of those traits that do make you an
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incredible teammate you are trustworthy
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you are committed you are loyal you are
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communicative
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you are consistent you are generous you
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are a great teammate
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then
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what you have is worth its weight in
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gold
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that’s the really rare stuff
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that’s the stuff of true character that
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is so valuable so why are you cheapening
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that
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and making so important these things
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that you think they have one of the
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things i’ve come across more than
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anything in my career is people who
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overvalue someone that they have a great
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time with i want you to think about it
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in a business context for a moment
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i may really enjoy
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being around somebody spending time with
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them chatting with them having a night
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out with them
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but none of those things mean that that
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person would be a great partner in
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business if i wanted to build a business
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with someone or a relationship a
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romantic relationship is like a company
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it’s a company of two and just because
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someone
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is great company
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it doesn’t mean they can make a great
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company just because someone is great
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company it doesn’t mean they can make a
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great company someone can be
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wonderful to hang out with
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but can they build an amazing
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relationship with you
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if they’re pulling away
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we already know
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that’s not a good sign of someone who
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can actually build something with you so
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the appropriate response by the way when
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we feel someone pulling away is to
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become less certain of them the
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appropriate response is to say oh you’re
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backing off i feel you getting colder i
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feel you pulling away that’s making me
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re-evaluate how right you are for me
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that’s making me start to allocate more
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time and energy to other things in my
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life that’s making me think well maybe
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it is time to start dating other people
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if you’re in that place someone else’s
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uncertainty about you is not an
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indication of your lack of value
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someone’s uncertainty should be an
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indication of their lack of value to you
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because one of the greatest things you
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can have in a partner is someone who is
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certain about you look should you be
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willing to fight for someone yes but
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here’s the right context for fighting
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for someone when there is a hurdle that
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the two of you need to get over to be
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together despite wanting to be together
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romeo and juliet wanted to be together
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but they were from different houses and
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there was a
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politics around them being together that
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was a hurdle that they both mutually
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wanted to get over it wasn’t romeo
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saying i’ll fight for julia even though
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she’s not sure about me ask yourself if
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you’re playing romeo and juliet with
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someone and the hurdle is their
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uncertainty
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because if it is
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why are you fighting for this person the
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only person
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worth having in life
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is a person who values what we have to
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give and the great irony is that they
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won’t value what we have to give if we
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don’t put a high price on it ourselves
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if we
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feel someone pulling away
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and instead of going oh you seem to
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not see my value that makes you less
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valuable to me if instead of doing that
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we feel someone pulling away and go no
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i’ll fight for you then what they start
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to feel is oh this person’s willing to
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fight for me even when i’m not trying
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even when i’m pulling away
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firstly that feels very intense now and
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secondly what does that say about their
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value
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what does that say about who they are
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and their confidence what we need to do
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is show someone that there are real
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stakes there are real consequences to
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you not being sure about me i may have
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been trying before i may have been
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showing you my best and showing you what
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i was capable of but the moment you
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start taking that for granted the moment
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you start showing me that you’re not
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sure about me you become less worthy of
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all of this effort i’m giving you right
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now
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you become less worthy of all of these
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wonderful things that i have to offer
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someone which by the way are an
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incredible gift you start making me
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question if you’re the person that i
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want to give that to and if you really
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can see oh there’s consequences to me
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not trying there’s consequences to me
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not being sure about you
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then my value to you starts going up
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what someone needs to realize from us is
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yes i find you sexy
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yes i love being around you you turn me
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on i find you fun i find you exciting
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i enjoy your company but none of that is
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more important than what’s right for me
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i may be attracted to you but i am far
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more attracted to the life i want for
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myself when i’m coaching people it’s not
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just about telling them you need to be
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less intense it’s about solving the
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deeper issue of why
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we are being intense being in too
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intense is often a byproduct
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of overvaluing somebody else
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and what they bring to the table and
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undervaluing ourselves and what we bring
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to the table now look i’m not saying
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that this person is a terrible person
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it may just be someone who
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hasn’t had a fair shot at seeing your
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value yet partly because in the process
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you didn’t value yourself but whether
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your goal is to move on from this person
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or to finally have them see your value
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the answer is the same
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it’s taking big bold moves in your life
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to become strong and confident in a way
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that either allows them to see it
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and become newly attracted to it or
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allows you to move on and find the love
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you actually deserve with someone who’s
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right for you and i have a way that you
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can do this it’s a free video training
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at moveonstrong.com
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that shows you exactly how to build back
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that strength to be the most confident
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you
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after a difficult time like this where
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someone has either rejected you or gone
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cold or started to pull away go to
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moveonstrong.com
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[Music]
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and i’ll show you how to build that
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confidence again
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i’ll see you over there
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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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