Stop Calling Your Past Partner ‘My Ex’

We’ve all heard the expression ‘words are powerful.’ How we use them, to whom we address them, what thoughts and emotions are triggered by them — the words we choose have a great impact.

Because of this, it’s crucial to tune into the labels we use…especially when referring to matters of the heart. Put more bluntly, when talking about a past partner we must be wise.

Obviously, the language one chooses for this person is largely reflective of one’s experiences. If you had a tumultuous or abusive relationship, you’re more inclined to use terms like mother fletcher, bastard, or booty-hole…you get where this is headed.

To be clear: if those terms are helping you heal from the pain of that previous union, no one is judging you. Just be mindful of what those words could be doing to you!

But there’s another side of what we’re looking at when we consider how we use ‘my ex.’ For example:

my ex-boyfriend/girlfriend ~ focuses on them
my ex-wife/husband ~ highlights the marital status
my ex-lover/partner ~ centers the couple

All of the above have one thing in common: the romantic alliance — the relationship [likely gone sour]! What happens if we change how we choose to frame that person vis-à-vis ourselves?

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What Science Says

Our mental health is dependent on numerous factors — our surroundings (both physical and emotional), the people in our circle (family, friends, colleagues, etc..), genetics, social issues, finances, childhood trauma. The list is long.

So when we think of our long ago (or perhaps, not so long ago) lover, the above certainly plays a role. And describing the dynamic we had with an individual can be stressful.

In this Psychiatric Times article on the Power of Words, Loise King Waller, Ph.D. offers insight into what happens when we express ourselves.

There is something therapeutic about putting feelings into words. Many of us feel compelled to shed negative feelings and sort through stressful experiences by talking about them, instinctively seeking out a trusted, receptive listener. Others benefit from journaling about these trials, filling books with cathartic confessions to the self.

In telling our stories, we translate our feelings into descriptive words, an endeavor known as affect labeling. In doing so, the feelings of stress and anxiety are often softened, a phenomenon long recognized and reflected in literature.

Consider what Shakespeare wrote in 1606: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” Talking about our troubles may be clarifying, provide reality testing, and strengthen interpersonal connection. More important, though, may be the fact that the conversion of feelings to words appears to have a distinct and immediate calming effect on us.

In recent years, the neurocognitive process that accompanies affect labeling has begun to be better understood. What we are learning has provided a degree of clarity as to how talking or writing about stressful feelings provides relief. Perhaps unsurprisingly, we are finding that the relief itself is connected, in large degree, to mindfulness. Words and verbal expression exert a powerful influence over our mental health.

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An Alternate View

Using Dr. Waller’s analysis to peek at another perspective, we can see how using the term ‘my ex’ can further attach us to them. Calling a former partner ‘my ex’ sounds as if we’re no longer connected. But that’s a fallacy because the prefix denotes “out of” or “one that held a previous position/place.”

The term already implies an interrelation, albeit a past one.

And when we use ‘my’ we’re further indicating possession. This only exacerbates the scenario. We’re no longer officially connected to them, but we want to ensure everyone knows they ‘belonged’ to us. That’s absurd!

So what ways can we use to refer to these persons?

Again, depending on how sweet (or sour) the relationship ended, and if one still maintains contact with them, there are numerous options.

use a nickname/made-up name
refer to them as “that person”
use pronouns they/she/he
call them “other”
speak of them using their real name (best in amicable break-ups)

If none of these work, then try to figure out what best aligns with how you feel about them.

In a situation where there’s much triggering and negativity associated with that person in your life, do not despair. A few options suggested by Social Worker, Vikki Stark in a Psychology Today article: