The New Age Mr. Nice Guy: What Lies Beneath

“Why do nice guys finish last?” The age-old question likely had a different definition of a nice guy when it was conceived. Why does today’s nice guy finish last? He’s disingenuous and insincere, and it shows.

Regardless of the front Mr. Nice Guy puts on for days, weeks, months (or even years), in due time, true colors always seep through the cracks of his façade.

What if the “nice guy” just told you the truth about who he was and spared you the time trying to figure him out? Well, he can’t because he doesn’t know the truth about himself, and if he has an idea, he avoids facing it.

“You can’t expect the truth from a man lying to himself.”

Your uninhibited intuition might be your best source of truth.

If Mr. Nice Guy was completely honest with you, he might tell you something like this…

I am a glass-half-full type of guy who turns every negative into a positive…
because I don’t know how to sit with uncomfortable emotions so I sugarcoat them rather than process them.

I’m a great communicator…
because I talk at you a lot and often. I initiate interactions and overload you with information that I have an interest in (though you may not) and find it rude that you don’t respond enthusiastically.

I love talking to you…
because you listen to me without interrupting me and don’t challenge my POV. If you do, I’ll have to cut you off because I have big thoughts and big contributions to make, and you… are just a woman.

I think men and women are equals…
until a woman disagrees with me, in which case, we must remember that women are emotional creatures and rarely logical.

I respect women…
unless they move beyond the narrow framework I have of how women should act. Women should be nonconfrontational, “docile”* and submissive to men everywhere.

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I stand against violence and assault against women…
but what did she do and what did she have on?

I don’t hate women, I love my mom, my sister, and even my dog is female…
but *that* isn’t a woman, she’s a hoe, a gold digger, and a bitch because she exists comfortably in her sexuality, posts luxury on her Instagram, and doesn’t give me time of day.

I’m a good person…
and I have to proclaim that loudly and frequently because I’m not sure it’s true.

I’m underappreciated by people in my life…
because I expect them to clap for me and give me flowers every time I’m not an asshole. Weirdly enough, they don’t. What does it take a nice guy to get some flowers around here?

I’m easygoing…
as long as you have no boundaries because those are roadblocks, standards, and expectations. It’s all too much, too high. I am here for attendance awards and participation prizes.

I am light-hearted and never take anything seriously…
not you, not my promises, not self-improvement. It’s all a joke. Didn’t you say you liked to laugh?

I have a core group of friends…
who reinforce my existing beliefs about myself as a nice guy and women as the complicated, unsatiable enemy.

I’ll pay on a first date …
and expect to own you (and your offspring) for the rest of the night, and perhaps for the duration of your being in my life.

I don’t want to burden you with my problems…
but I can’t wait for you to ask so I can emotionally dump on you and rush through the conversation when it gets to you. Gotcha!

I won’t straight up ask you for money…
but I will mention that CashApp isn’t working in Qatar. Perhaps you could send my cousin $500? *

When we start dating, I’ll take all your feedback to heart and change my behavior…
long enough for you to be attached to the relationship by the time I resume my old dirty ways. Gotcha again, silly!

I give so much to a relationship…
how I want to, when I want to, and based on my desires, not my partner’s needs.

Tell me if you’re dissatisfied with the relationship…
so I can argue with you about your feelings and invalidate them until you agree to my mediocrity.

This is a safe space for you to point out my flaws…
so I can bring up some of yours with the sole intent of hurting you as you’ve hurt my fragile ego.

I only have eyes for my woman…
unless she gains weight in which case, that’s not my woman, that’s a new woman and I’ll be acting new too.

Natural bodies are the best…
like SZA and Summer Walker. Oh, they mentioned they had surgery? Well, women shouldn’t alter their bodies, they were prettier before actually…though I never would’ve noticed them.

I think your big dreams are inspirational…
but when you start working towards them, it really puts you in your masculine energy that poses a threat to my masculinity. They were cute because they weren’t real.*

I just want a woman who knows how to treat a man…
like a mother treats a child. I want her to cook, clean, split bills 50/50, (or be my sugar mama), and be a great mother to my children since I’ll leave most of that to her while expecting her to maintain a physique that keeps my attention.

I value platonic friendships with women…
while secretly awaiting the perfect setting and the right amount of alcohol for things to “just happen”. Then we can truly be friends on my terms.

I have a ton of female friends…
most of whom I’ve hooked up with and now that you’ve been through this cycle (yes, I’m so nice they choose to stick around). Come hang out with all of us, but don’t make it weird, ok?

I’m intentional about finding a wife and kids…
unless you say you aren’t interested in me, in which case, who said anything about romance?? I was just looking to smash and dash. *

I did everything for her, yet my wife left me…
I never considered the toll it took on her to take care of me and our kids while I was sick … oh and I cheated a few times, and she said she was “tired of marriage” … imagine that? Terrible woman!

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Of course, I can identify what I did wrong in my last marriage…
I picked the wrong one.*

I believe in therapy and inner work…
for others, not for me though.

I’m a great guy…
compared to trash. The bar is under the sole of Lucifer’s shoes. Satan is tap dancing on the bar.

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, consider healing your relationship with your mother. Your trauma is showing.

…

Being “nice” is no guarantee for sex, a successful relationship, a happy marriage, a promotion, or any opportunity. Life does not owe you anything. Be yourself because life will be itself, which is …. not balanced.

There’s no quid pro quo or reciprocal agreement with the universe. Lions don’t spare vegetarians and carnivores eat cows.

Instead of being “nice” to women, try being kind to people.

Thank you for reading! (*) indicates a true first-hand account. Don’t argue with me, argue with your mates.

These are true accounts from (cisgender) women who date (cisgender) men. If you feel inclined to comment that “women do the same thing,” I invite you to write a counter-piece. I write about personal experiences and have no personal experience dating women. No vex.