By reading this article, I know you have dealt with the frustration of having a dismissive avoidant partner.
On the flip side, you could want to gain clarity on the effect breakups have had on you in the past as the dismissive-avoidant.
Don’t worry; we’ll kill two birds with one stone.
I know the constant cycle of isolation can frustrate both parties in this scenario.
It becomes more troubling when dealing with the behaviors during a breakup.
We all grow and build a set of triggers and behaviors as we experience relationships.
The issue comes when we have not created a set of positive responses to avoid the downfalls that come with emotional responses.
It is ok to let your emotions hit you; it’s a healthy response to negative experiences.
The tide turns negative when we become overwhelmed, and these responses transition into shutting down.
While it is dangerous for anyone to display negative responses, the dismissive-avoidant must recognize the reasons they struggle.
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Volatility is a killer
If you know the triggers for the dismissive-avoidant, then you know near the top of the list is volatility in their relationships.
They have seen volatility in their childhood or as they experience relationships in their adult lives.
It can come in the form of a toxic relationship or an on-again-off-again relationship.
But most people have experienced one of those, most likely, right?
For the DA, it triggers a need for safety, and they cannot see the cause of that breach as an outlet (you).
It is why they retreat inward and become so distant you think they are ghosting you.
If you are the DA, adjust your mind frame and realize that relationships will never be perfect.
You are going to reach hurdles. You are going to hit troubling times.
A manageable situation can often become volatile due to your response of shutting down.
The most vital piece of knowledge to take away from this section is this: The DA’s reaction of retreating and shutting down triggers every other attachment style. Their reaction triggers you, as it will often be to close the gap in communication and connection.
End the snowball before it gets rolling. Stop the cycle that ends in volatility.
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Lost and found
The snowball doesn’t end there if you don’t stop it.
Since the DA will go into isolation mode, they will have a sense of only trusting themselves, and it will expand the gap.
Once the DA loses trust, it is hard to get back.
When the DA loses trust, they feel weak. So, how do they regain it? Alone.
The irony is that the DA desperately wants a love and trust-filled relationship.
The flip side of that irony is the time it takes them to build that trust and become accepting of love.
For example: in a fearful avoidant, you will see a “one foot out the door” approach to accepting love. For the dismissive-avoidant, you will see a “closed door looking through the peephole” approach.
The DA struggles to build trust after a breakup because the source (you) becomes the barrier instead of their recognition of emotions.
It is why a DA struggles to express feelings in or outside of a relationship. Their time to process is lengthy, especially in a breakup.
By the time they have gotten over seeing you as the source of the issue, weeks have passed, and then they begin to process their emotions.
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Bench press
Since the DA essentially sweeps the issue under the rug until they are ready to deal with it, what do you think happens?
Instead of addressing issues at the event of a breakup or volatile event, now they have to piece together what happened and deal with it as all the emotions hit them at once.
It is a heavy weight and a burden to deal with alone.
It builds the callus, and the DA feels more isolated in their emotions.
I want to skip over the potential to overexplain that point.
What do you need to do as the partner of a DA or as you grow (the DA)? You have to stop the bleeding.
You have to acknowledge that retreating is not healthy. You will never recover from a breakup otherwise.
Well, duh.
(If you want to get back together) A helpful middle ground that works for the DA and does not make them feel attacked is to accept that they need space but put a time limit on that space.
(if you want the breakup) A helpful method to move on is to sort through your feelings by removing the person as the source of the issue, even if they are.
When their name pops up in your head, ignore it. It will leave you with emotions as the only thing left to sort out.
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It sounds ironic since I preach that the DA needs to avoid isolation, but recovery from a breakup starts with the DA.
The self-destructive habits have to come to an end.
I am not saying to forget to take your time recovering and learning to open up to a relationship again; that takes time for anyone.
The process should take days to weeks, not weeks to months.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Ewan Yap on Unsplash
