I know we have all been in the same position before.
Your new relationship is off to a good start, but the voice in your head makes you wonder how your partner feels.
Do they like me as much as I like them?
Is our connection as strong as it feels?
Are the building blocks for a long-term relationship in place right now?
On top of all the questions that circle your mind, one of the most important ones is simple. Do we trust each other?
While it might be easy for you to answer in your mind, it is not something you can answer for your partner.
It becomes more complicated when you add in the processing and development of trust that it takes each attachment style.
We each have our timeline for developing trust in our relationships. For a fearful-avoidant partner, this timeline can be longer.
Crack open the door
Fearful avoidants have a hard time building trust. At some point in the past, they felt betrayed.
It could have occurred in their childhood, teenage years, or during a relationship.
It does not mean that there was one event that led to a lifetime of mistrusting people, but rather a series of similar events that taught them that they had to have their guard up.
When they are in a relationship in adulthood, they feel security when they feel seen or heard and their feelings are valued.
The first sign you are gaining the trust of your fearful avoidant partner is when you begin to hear the intimate details of their life.
Well, duh.
The part you are missing is that this might be easy for you but not as swift for your fearful avoidant partner.
The fearful-avoidant has a feeling of shame surrounding their past.
They felt like they didn’t have a voice in earlier parts of their life, so when they open up to you, they are looking to see how you will react.
Are you going to be overly opinionated? Judgmental?
Or
Will you do what they are looking for; to listen?
When your fearful avoidant partner slowly opens the door for you to enter their past, it is a sign that they trust you with their secrets.
Pass the interrogation
Fearful avoidants are always on the lookout for someone being dishonest.
When they hear the details of a story, they want every detail they can think to ask.
You will recognize this in a moment of conflict. You can have a discussion, but an hour later, there is another piece of the story to hash out.
The reason this happens is that fearful avoidants take time to self-soothe. They are looking for emotional security by valuing your word.
The less they worry about you telling them the truth, the less they will ask.
The more they can work out the inner conflict with themselves.
When revisiting old stories slows down or becomes minimal, it is a sign that they trust your word.
When they have moments to themselves after a discussion, they will worry less about gaps in the story.
Those gaps will be filled with them, giving you the benefit of the doubt.
Keep it 100
The last bullet can seem obvious, but there is more to it than you think.
When a fearful avoidant trusts you, they future-forecast and tell you that they trust you.
Remember, the fearful-avoidant is the hot-and-cold, foot-out-of-the-door attachment style.
They will not go out of their way to commit their future self to a long-term relationship or visions of your relationship moving towards marriage.
That does not mean they will never do it, but they are hesitant to over-commit and not have a way to back out.
When they have given someone trust in the past, they have had examples of that backfiring.
Trust is comparable to a valuable object to the fearful-avoidant; they won’t just trust anybody with it.
When a fearful avoidant tells you they trust you, they are letting you know they are dropping their guard.
Be careful, and avoid messing that opportunity up. As slowly as you had to work to gain trust is 100x as slow as how quickly they can take it away if you break it.
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Trust is at the core of all relationships.
For the fearful-avoidant, it is more sacred than that.
By gaining trust in you, they receive it within their mind.
They want to trust that they made the right decision when committed to a relationship.
They want to chuck the doubts that produce hot and cold behavior.
When you recognize these signs, don’t ease up. Keep working to build a strong partnership with the fearful-avoidant.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
