I spent a year developing my application for a graduate program. I was super excited about applying and having the chance to be in the program! I followed an online community of people who were also applying — all waiting to hear if we got in.
Slowly but surely people started posting online about getting accepted into the program. One by one I would see acceptance posts, and I was so ready for my acceptance email. But then a week passed by, and another week passed. I didn’t hear anything from the program. I slowly started to realize maybe I wasn’t going to get in. And of course, I started to freak out and get sad. I would wake up in the morning, anxious and depressed, waiting to hear my results from the program I applied to. Only to not see any updates in my inbox.
It was starting to really get to me, and I did what I do when I need some clarity. I took a walk outside in nature, and I realized something on that walk that helped shape the way I now approach my life and my goals.
The Purpose Was To Be Happy
On my walk, I prepared for what would happen if I didn’t get into the program. What would I lose? Well, some of my plans would change, some of my friends and family might feel bad for me, and I might feel embarrassed. I might lose the chance to do this career pivot I wanted, and I might lose the future I wanted and planned for.
But it was deeper than that. I reflected on why I applied to the graduate program anyway. What did I want? What was I trying to get? Why did this originally matter to me?
And it boiled down to this: The goal was supposed to make me happy. It was going to provide meaning in my life (doing a career I want), which would make me happy. It was going to make me feel like I was good enough, which would make me happy. It was going to improve my feelings of self-worth, which would make me happy.
The goal at the end was always happiness.
It’s like any major goal really. We want our dream job. Why? To be happy. We want a relationship. Why? To be happy. We want to make our parents proud. Why? To be happy.
But who said I can’t short-circuit the endgame now? Why can’t I be happy now? If the overall purpose of any goal is to be happy, then I want to be happy now. And that’s what I decided to do.
We Can Be Happy Now
There’s this beautiful quote by actor Jim Carey that says:
“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
– Jim Carey
I love this quote because it reminds me that it’s not “your goal” that is really going to be the answer. We chase these elaborate goals, have these ambitious plans, and compete against others for their “limited” big opportunities — all for what? For a feeling really, a feeling of self-worth, of confidence, of happiness. Maybe of pride. But that’s not going to, all of a sudden, make our life enjoyable, at least in the long term. Maybe it works for a bit. We finally get the job promotion we want, we’re happy for a few weeks, and then what? We go right back to wishing for more, wanting more.
Harvard professor and “How to Build a Life” columnist Arthur C. Brooks explains the neurophysiology behind this. We want something and dopamine makes us excited and anticipatory about our desire. And then we get it, and the dopamine goes away. But:
Real satisfaction is all the things you have divided by all the things that you want. You can try to increase your satisfaction permentately by having more or you can work on the demoninator of haves divided by wants. You can work on wanting less. That turns out to be the right formula.
– Arthur C. Brooks
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this means not wanting goals or dreams. Those desires can be a great way to change the world or improve your life. But we can focus on the denominator — and part of “wanting less” is about gratitude. It’s about being grateful for what you have.
If I feel grateful for where I am now, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to grow. But it does mean that I appreciate the abundance and benefits in my life today, and that is what I spend a lot of time focusing on. I can appreciate how beautiful the trees look in the winter with fallen snow, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to see the trees bloom again in the spring.
How To Be Happy Now
You can be happy now by choosing to have gratitude be a centerpiece of your life. Every night, I ask myself “What are five things you are grateful for today?” and I take time to reflect on this question for myself. Harvard Professor Arthur C. Brooks has his students write down 5 things they are most grateful for every Sunday and then read it every night for 5 minutes. Then 10 weeks later, these students are 15–25% happier because they decided to be grateful.
Focusing on all you do have and all you can be grateful for adds a more positive outlook on life. I know life doesn’t always seem perfect, but we have a lot of blessings around us if we look. Even the fact that you can still read this, or hear this, is a blessing in itself. You are absorbing content that could help bring more positivity to your life. There are blessings if you look for them.
And we can look for them. Humans have the opportunity to change our thinking patterns and be aware of how we think (metacognition!). Because of that, we can choose to feel gratitude by thinking gratitude-based thoughts.
If we focus on the things we can enjoy, feel satisfied with the current state of our lives now (even if we do want to grow), and find ways to feel purpose and meaning, even in the little things: we can be happy now. Before and even without our goals. And I think that will make us more truly happy because it is coming from the inside-out and not from the external validation and the goals we are hoping can “give” us happiness. Why not make the source of our happiness from within?
A month later, I found out a didn’t get into the program I applied to. And surprisingly, I took it quite well. Yes — at first I was sad, but I knew my happiness didn’t have to be defined by if I did get something or if I didn’t get something. I can choose to be happy by focusing on all the wonderful things in my life already. You don’t need a goal to make you happy when you already know how to be. And that’s an active choice I make daily. The choice to be happy now.
❤
N
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Taisiia Stupak on Unsplash
