You Know He’s a Keeper When He Does These Three Things

Dating is a minefield and it continues to get worse the longer you keep searching for the elusive one that will sweep you off your feet and give you everything you’ve been asking for.

First of all, that rarely happens, so stop expecting love at first sight and chuck away your “type on paper”. Sure, you’ve got some non-negotiables — but they should be focused on matters of the heart and soul (your values and morals), not physical, financial and material attributes.

Secondly, the longer you’re searching for love, the more desperate you can become, and the more your self-confidence falls. Your standards slip and you start overlooking behaviours that you once wouldn’t have tolerated.

I know because I’ve been there.

It’s not easy meeting someone and it’s even harder to call it a day when you do finally meet a potential “one”, but know deep down that you’re settling if you stay with them.

Don’t settle.

If you are looking for a healthy, long-term relationship, that makes you feel loved and cherished, look out for these three signs that he’s a keeper.

And if you want to avoid heartache and disappointment, steer clear of anyone who displays the three signs he’s a loser. He’s not worth your time and you deserve better.

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He’s a keeper

You trust him with your heart

He’s open, honest and you know he’ll never knowingly deceive you. I say knowingly because the odd misunderstanding or miscommunication will crop up.

Having been in an abusive relationship and a few unhealthy ones after that, my heart was on the defensive when I met my husband. However, he never did anything to make me feel anything other than appreciated and wanted. When the time came to open my heart and let love flow in, I paused for only a second.

If you can be your geeky, imperfect self around him and talk openly about your emotions and feelings (even the messy ones) it’s a sign that you have a keeper on your hands.

My niece spent a few years swiping left and right with little success and lots of disappointments. One day, I turned up at my sister’s and my niece was waiting for her boyfriend to turn up. I laughed because she certainly didn’t look her best!

But I knew she’d finally found someone who loved her just the way she is, not just because of her big boobs and gorgeous face. Someone who she trusted enough to let him privy to her unfiltered self.

He asks how you are and listens to your answer

He genuinely wants to know because your happiness is his happiness (and vice versa hopefully).

He doesn’t pump out the obligatory question then tune out or go into how he is feeling. You can tell him how you are actually feeling rather than glossing over your worries and challenges with a “fine”.

I found this level of attention uncomfortable at the beginning. Why would anyone want to spend time listening to me? Due to years of abuse, I felt unworthy of someone’s undivided attention. But as my barriers loosened their hold, I realised he really did want to know and was interested and invested in how I was feeling.

As uncomfortable as it may feel, you’ve got to open up a little bit, to find out if he’s a keeper or a loser. His reaction is a great sign of whether he is invested in you as a person or is only interested in what you can give him.

Talks about the future and you’re in it

I’m not talking about discussing marriage, kids, or moving in together within days of meeting — that’s a big red flag!

But as time goes on and he starts making more plans with you and commits to more joint events, you know he’s in this for the long haul.

If you find him stalling to commit to something without a good reason why, you need to question his intentions. Or, if you feel uncomfortable asking him what his plans are or if he wants to go somewhere with you, you have doubts yourself.

Of course, you need to take it slow and get to know each other first. But, within a blooming relationship, you will find yourselves spending more time together and making more plans together. Eventually, it becomes a given that you will still be together a year or so from now. He wants you in his life.

A key moment in our budding relationship was a phone call from my husband. He said he wanted to start seeing me more because he wanted our relationship to progress. Obviously, I was on the same page and the certainty he injected into our relationship gave me more space to relax and open up.

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He’s a loser

He can’t control his anger or take constructive criticism

Some might say that uncontrollable anger is an obvious red flag. But, if you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional family or have had other unhealthy relationships you may regard this as normal behaviour.

It’s not.

It doesn’t matter if that anger is not directed at you. The first time I witnessed my ex have terrible road rage I should have gotten out of the car and never looked back. Or the time, just after we had first met, and he lost his temper with one of his friends — I should have listened to the alarm bells.

Anger is an emotion we can all feel at times. It’s not the emotion that’s the issue, it’s the way it’s dealt with.

If he is unable to laugh at himself and gets annoyed by constructive criticism, it’s not the way you put it, or that you mentioned it at a bad time. It’s a sign that he is oblivious to his faults and does not take responsibility for his actions.

Game over.

He doesn’t have any close relationships

Maybe he’s come from a dysfunctional family or has moved to a new area and doesn’t know anyone. But no close relationships whatsoever? That’s a sign of someone unable to sustain a healthy relationship or long-term commitment.

Past difficult relationships aren’t uncommon but if all his relationships have ended badly, surely there’s only one thing in common between them all?

The thing that all my unhealthy relationships had in common (apart from me and my bad choices of course) was that all of my exes had fragile relationships with their families, had no close friendships and children they did not see regularly (through no fault of their own of course).

Why on earth did I think a healthy, long-term relationship was a possibility with these people?

It should have been game over long before it was.

He plays games

Ghosting you, testing you, playing with your emotions. There’s no reason for this kind of behaviour.

It’s not “just the way he is”, it’s the way he is choosing to act and his actions show a lack of respect and an ego-driven need to be able to pick you up and drop you whenever he chooses.

If you want a mature, healthy relationship, all games are off.

Sure, those first few messages are a bit awkward — should I text him back straight away or make him wait? Why hasn’t he replied, he’s seen it? But just be yourself and send that message straight back, or if you’re busy, wait until you’re free. It’s not going to make any difference to someone genuinely interested in you.

If you feel your emotions are all over the place and you’re trying to guess what his intentions are, stop giving him the time of day and allow yourself to meet someone open, honest and won’t mess you about.

Let him go play with someone else, he probably already is anyway!

GAME OVER.

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Keepers take time to build mutual trust, make you feel comfortable and give you the freedom to be yourself. They make their intentions clear, value your time and give you the attention you deserve. You feel heard, respected and cherished. You feel special and beautiful. You know that they want to be with you.

They can do all of this because they are comfortable within themselves and know what they want — which is sexy as hell!

Your butterflies come from nervous excitement, not fear and doubt and your tears come from joy and contentment, not disappointment and rejection.

Losers …. are just losers and deserve no more of our time.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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